I am, I know, I need you to give me a slap

[IABU]

I have a pathological fear of MIL staying. Lovely, kind, doting MIL who spoils my baby DS with clothes and toys, who is so proud of my SAHD partner and would do anything to help us.

But I hate when she's here and the BLW gets dumped in favour of shovelling, the sleeplessness is all put down to BFing, the separation anxiety is because I don't leave him to cry. Of course, the other baby in the family sleeps perfectly and that's because things are done differently (not because the baby's different, of course ...).

I'm being so mean-spirited about her stay. I don't like giving up my bed when I'm this sleep-deprived, which doesn't help, but nor does it excuse my being a cow about her.

How do I just be nicer about the whole thing?

[sits back and waits for cod to dispense some wisdom]

alcohol

Learn to meditate, then zone when she starts on one of her opinions.
My MIL comes out with stuff like this and I just smile and nod my head and mentally write the shopping list...
DH says "well things have changed a bit these days" and "well, this is our way, and this is our house" if it gets too much. Mostly we smile and look like we have recieved wisdom, when of course we have marked it "what a load of tosh, but she is a product of her upbringing" etc etc

Ditto alcohol, specifically gin .

Why are you giving up your bed? That's something I am way too selfish to ever do. You need your sleep, full-stop.

Be firm, smile nicely through your gritted teeth, say "Oh really?" when she says she thinks such and such is best and continue to ignore her. SHe'll throw in the towel eventually.

Oh it's all so subtle, and in such a helpful way ... I'm just being a cow, really, I am. I just wish I could be more gracious about the whole thing. I need a personality transplant.

Natural feeling with a first little baby.

You have to be firm with how you want to do things and spell it out. Be confident in yourself - mil does not know it all just because she had kids a long time ago.

Can't you just tell her that while you would love her to stay, you find her criticisms and comments on your parenting undermining, so could she not say anything. Do it in an apologetic way, as if you know you're being neurotic, if that will make it easier. If she is lovely and kind I'm sure she'll understand.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmwine. Good thinking.

The thing is, DP will side with her in a "Oh really mum, rusk, in a bottle, wow, I never thought of that" way, while I silently fume, until I later point out the glaring error of his ways. It's an automatic thing I think.

The wine thing is good. Won't make me nicer but it will indirectly make everything more tolerable, including sleeping on the floor in DS's room!

Tell her you've been reading about MILs that torment, and thank her for being such a good one, that lets you get on and make your own mistakes...

Why is a breast feeding mum sleeping on the floor? As a former midwife I insist you go in and chuck your mil out of YOUR bed.

Would you like me to come over and chuck your mil out of the house/bed for you? My fees are reasonable (glass of wine).

Message withdrawn

Don't drink! That'll give her ammo to make comments about being a bad mother. My MIL said, "Oh, getting the baby drunk early in life, are we?" when I was bfing DS and had one sodding glass of wine. Not simultaneously but I could have easily.

Give her specific things to do like holding him or entertaining him whilst you cook supper. Brushing his teeth and hair. Dressing him? But they are the things you choose for her to do. Stand firm on your parenting decisions though like BLW. That's simply not for anyone else but you and DH to decide upon.

Why is she in your bed? That's very good of you but it's going to make you resent her visit. It would make you resent anyone's visit if they took your bed.

You sound v. giving already and certainly not in need of a personality transplant. She's lucky you are such an accommodating DIL.

Good idea lego like it. My MIL has however, gone one up on that. She tells me how she learnt how to be a fab MIL becasue her MIL was a horror - what can you say to that?

IABU I'd let her go on and politely ignore it - it's one of those things to 'offer up' but I think you need to sort otu sleeping arrangements - why not bag the bed during the day for naps while she plays w the baby - that should make it clear about your sacrifice and make her offer you the bed back!

Get together with your DH before the visit and agree what your reactions are going to be when MIL starts burbling. Nothing worse than feeling undermined by your partner. Have a code word/phrase for reminding each other to stand firm when said burbling commences. United front makes it a lot easier to cope with, no way do you want to be bickering or feeling resentful towards your partner along with idiot MIL. Me and DH do this now and it works well...I know that whatever crappy food MIL suggest DH will just say; 'no, I don't think we'll give him that just yet' and I will smile and nod.

"oh really mum, rusk in a bottle" - could he be humouring her do you think?

Sadly he's not humouring her, he does the bloke thing where whatever his mum says is automatically the word of god. Until I diplomatically point out that it's a load of crap. I won't see much of her, I'm working most of the time. And I can't put her in DS's room cos he wakes so much, and moving DS will bugger his sleep even more. So, wine and tongue-biting it is then! thanks for the moral support!

You have my sympathy - totally understand. It's the same in our house.... quite often feel undermined by my dh as he sides with his mother!! It usually results in us bickering.
I wouldnt give up my bed - my mil did offer to stay on the sofa but luckily the local b&b has good facilities.

drink

Giving up the bed is not on.

I second others. My (lovely)MIL was really quite bearable through a pleasant alcoholic fuzz.

lie.

"he sleeps just fine when he has his room to himself, isn't off his face on sugar, overly full from being shovelled full of food - but we love having you to stay so much that we put up with all that."

Where does your dh sleep?

another great site . If Im not on MN then Im on here ,

My dh has this down pat, and he does it to me as well, only I realise what he's up to....anything his mum tells / advises him to do he just smiles and says yes mum, and then totally ignores what she's said and does what he was going to do anyway. Maybe you could try the same? Works a treat I have to say.

Just agree with everything. Say 'yes, you're absolutely right'. Then continue your own sweet way.

Maybe you should just chill out a bit and actually talk to her. That way you'd maybe see her as another human being instead of some monster. It's good that you realise you're being mean spirited. How often does the MIL get to see the nipper? 'cause it sounds like you begrudge the visit to me.
I bet your hubby misses his mother too, and I bet if you were to look objectively and compare all the times you've sided with your own mother over hubbie's wishes you'd see just how unreasonable and petty you're being.