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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am, I know, I need you to give me a slap

45 replies

IABU · 16/04/2008 18:22

I have a pathological fear of MIL staying. Lovely, kind, doting MIL who spoils my baby DS with clothes and toys, who is so proud of my SAHD partner and would do anything to help us.

But I hate when she's here and the BLW gets dumped in favour of shovelling, the sleeplessness is all put down to BFing, the separation anxiety is because I don't leave him to cry. Of course, the other baby in the family sleeps perfectly and that's because things are done differently (not because the baby's different, of course ...).

I'm being so mean-spirited about her stay. I don't like giving up my bed when I'm this sleep-deprived, which doesn't help, but nor does it excuse my being a cow about her.

How do I just be nicer about the whole thing?

[sits back and waits for cod to dispense some wisdom]

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 17/04/2008 17:27

Petty? Giving up her bed is petty?

GarnetTopaz · 17/04/2008 17:41

does she have to stay with you when she visits - what about b&b 0r camp bed

colacubes · 17/04/2008 17:43

We are different, we all like some and not others, and sometimes there is no reason for either. You dont need to analysis your feelings to much, you have spoken very highly of her, but have problems with her openness about your parenting choice, so dont fixate on it, tell her, I did this because of, A. or it works for me, or even sometimes say yeah thats a good idea will give it a try.

As for the chosen child! all sleeping non complaining second coming, ha dont believe it for a minute, not met one yet thats so perfect, cause non of us are, dont believe the hype, some folks talk a good talk thats all.

Enjoy her trip by letting her take baby of your hands while you take a bath, catch up on sleep, and the rest let it all go. And if it helps my MIL is the biggest bitch ever to walk the face of this earth, and I just smile, and agree even when she calls me a tart! Yes I am and thank you very much!

Steamrunner · 17/04/2008 18:59

No, giving up the bed is absolutely the right thing to do. It's the whining about it that's petty. We're talking about the grandmother of her child, for christ's sakes.

tissy · 17/04/2008 19:05

is there room for at least a single bed in ds's room? You NEED a spare bed...you shouldn't be sleeping on the floor for anyone, even the saintly grandmother of your first-born. If you can't afford one, then maybe MIL could chip in?

RIELOVESBACARDI · 17/04/2008 19:07

i have lots of alchol before my mil comes round

girlfrommars · 17/04/2008 19:57

She's venting FFS. Also working, breastfeeding and now sleeping on the floor.

Give her a break.

And please don't use 'nipper' and 'hubby'. It makes my eyes bleed to read it.

Steamrunner · 18/04/2008 00:55

She also requests, in the very title of the topic no less, for a slap. Venting and asking for abuse is two different things.
If it has a problem with hubby's mummy maybe it should speak to the grandmother of the nipper in question, eh?

can I get a pic o yer bleeding eyes?

jasper · 18/04/2008 00:58

you can act gracious without feeling it.

White wine,

Good luck x

ps you've got a wee baby you can be as unreasonable as you like

sushistar · 18/04/2008 01:11

steamrunner

IABU, my mil is also lovely, also drives me mad sometimes. It's just the way things are i think. No advice, but i feel your pain!

girlfrommars · 18/04/2008 01:23

Women need to vent sometimes. It's what these threads are for.

I guess sometimes men do too.

Is someone feeling a little emasculated and looking for a women who's the breadwinner to take it out on?

S1ur · 18/04/2008 01:54

Nah, it isn't unreasonable to be a bit miffed when your parenting choices are undermined.

Who gets the best bed should be about need. If your need to feed comfortably/co-sleep whatever outwieghs her older back and aches then fine keep your bed, otherwise what your doing is right and kind. Good for you.

FWIW Steam I don't tthink OP's portrayed MIL as a monster at all, just someone who has different appraches and feels okay to get stuck in. Not a huge problem maybe but a timeless one. She doesn't really need a slap and she's not being petty. She and her partner have probably agonised over their parenting decisions and then someone (albeit a close family member) comes along and disregards them. So yeah of course that would piss someone off. Whoever's MIL it was.

Actually what she was really asking for was advice on how to handle situation. I think its a tough one. I would

Decide priorities. And then stick to them and educate/explain if needed.

Be it blw or bf or cosleep.

Then, just as important, decide things that actually don't matter much for a short-term. And then chill about it.
for example BLW is great but won't be upturned by a weekend of shovelling.

My ILs are fantastic but I still bite my tongue about some stuff because I respect them and they care enough to try to go along with our general appraich in most areas.

Apols for typos.

Dottydot · 18/04/2008 02:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's never easy when the in-laws come and stay - and pity my poor dp because we've had to temporarily move in with my Mum - 2 months and counting...

Had to laugh re: the shovelling. My Mum insists on treating ds2 like a baby and will often spoon feed him - he's 4 . He, of course, loves it and plays up to it and I can feel that dp just wants to shove the spoon up my Mum's nose....

I agree alcohol is the way to go, and a long term approach view that it's only for a short time, you're the boss really, etc.etc.

Dottydot · 18/04/2008 02:18

Oh and we ask my Mum not to help ds2 with his food (he's a fantastic eater and shovels it in himself when she's not around ) but she pays no attention and thinks we're just being really mean.

And she gives him warm milk whenever he asks for it - which is not the worst thing in the world, but he's a milk addict and would get through pints every day, so we'd got him down to about a pint a day and then water in between. My Mum thinks this is tantamount to neglect and is pretty much ready to call social services on this one. Meanwhile, dp's ready to commit murder...

Ahem. I really hope our house is ready to move in to soon!

Steamrunner · 18/04/2008 06:23

I think it, I say it.
It's my way.

@ GfM: If the emasculated crack was at me you'll have to do a damn site better than that to get a (pardon the pun here) rise out of me. I don't need a female breadwinner to take anything out on (nice work though Sherlock), I have a dog that fits the bill nicely.
Now you'll have to excuse me, my LDGF needs her pleated tweed skirt ironed...

Janni · 18/04/2008 08:52

'I think it, I say it'

So do Tourette's sufferers.

OP - I sympathise. I've often given up my bed and I find my MIL hard work

ten10 · 18/04/2008 10:30

I totally sympathise my partners mother (not sure if there is an acronym for this) sounds quite similar, but luckily she lives at the other end of the country (literally) so only visits 2/3 times a year.

If I were you I would book her a B&B/Hotel saying that you thought it would be so much nicer as the baby is up so much during the night that she wouldn't get any sleep otherwise.

If she refuses, then go and stay there yourself with the baby.

Am very lucky, because she knows we don't really get on, so she books a holiday cottage nearby each time they come to stay.

But DO NOT give up your bed!!!!!!!
The woman is a monster if she makes you do this.

WinkyWinkola · 18/04/2008 12:37

"We're talking about the grandmother of her child, for christ's sakes.

And? She's not the queen, is she?

PosieParker · 18/04/2008 12:45

Is this your first baby? If so it will get easier and also easier as your child gets older and loves his grandmother. I can't stand my MIL either and her comparative stories about everything really gets on my nerves. My first children are close in age and so when people say how fantastic I coped (no great stretch really) she pipes up with my SIL had twins now that really is hard, you get the picture! I have three children and one on the way and I don't want to hear another story about my DP and what he was like at 1, 2, 3, weeks!! Giving up your bed, no way...I'd say there was no room if I was Bfing too. I never let anyone sleep in my bed. I firmly believe when you have children a family must become matriarchal and the leader is the mother of the small children. I would ask my dp for a little more support and I don't think your being mean AT ALL.

talilac · 18/04/2008 13:39

Right. First of all, preempt helpful suggestions with the following tactic: "oh you're so much easier to have around than my mum / my friend / my friend's MIL because you're not always telling me what to do!"

Then - assuming you've read up on the various areas that she's offering advice in, try the old confounding with up to date research tactic, ie:

"yes, that was what they used to say / how they used to do it, wasn't it. Of course now, theres research to prove that..." If you're lucky you'll get into a fascinating debate on the changes in parenting styles from the 70's to now, and you'll be able to wow her with your encyclopediac knowledge and she'll never offer advice again.

Which in a way is a little sad, because though a lot of the things our parents used to do 20/30 years ago are out of date some arent, and I reckon when you've got a little baby with a problem you don't know how to solve, sometimes parents and in laws are almost as useful as mumsnet..

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