Am I wrong to not want to go?

[GinsAndRoses]

Hello everyone, I just want to know if I am BU or not.

I have been with my DP for 3 years and get on well with his family especially his older sister I would consider her one of my close friends now. DP has a younger sister too who is the “black sheep” of the family, whilst the rest of the family are hard workers and keep themselves to themselves don’t really have problems or drama she is the total opposite. She is rude, often in fights, often gets arrested, she even went to prison before for drug dealing!

Now to where I might be unreasonable, it is my DP mums birthday next week so DPs older sister has arranged an afternoon tea and spa afternoon treat for herself, mum, me and younger sister as a gift. At the time of booking older sister said it would just be me her and her mum however today she’s just told me that younger sister is also coming and now I don’t want too go because I just feel like she is gonna embarrass us all. Before me , Older sister and younger sister all went to get our nails done and younger sister kept telling the man he’s not doing them right and then asked the owner if she can connect her phone to the Bluetooth to play her music and then played rap music loud. There has been other times we have been in restaurants and she starts shouting at the staff and even told one to “come outside and hold this beating”

i just don’t think I’m gonna be able to relax with her there from fear she’s going to embarrass me or start a fight with someone. even if someone looks at her innocently she will ask them why they are looking at her. I feel like she will ruin the whole day and the whole point is to relax and celebrate DP mum but I feel that will get overlooked due to her behaviours.

I have spoken to DP he said it’s my decision he knows what she is like but she might be ok because it’s her mum’s birthday, I told him she’s literally battered someone in front of her mum even when her mum was telling her to stop she carried him on so I told him I don’t think that will make a difference and he just said well it’s your decision and left it as that.

would I BU to say something has come up at work and not go?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to go, I’d be “busy” too.

If you don’t want to go - don’t go - I wouldn't see it as a big deal - I assume your partners mum would want both of her daughters there over and above you attending any way (sorry if that sounds rude I don’t mean it to)

Has she already paid for it?

It’s not about you, it’s about your MIL celebrating her.

If you care about her, suck up spending time with the annoying SIL. It’s only an afternoon.

SIL behaviour doesn’t reflect on you, so there’s no reason to be embarrassed by her. Treat it like you would bad behaviour from B a toddler - ignore anything inappropriate and continue your conversation.

I think it's perfectly fine for you not to go, but not interfere in who goes and who doesn't as this is for a mum and her 2 daughters so if you feel that strongly, just quietly bow out

I'd go as it's MIL birthday but any sign of any sign of crazy behaviour I'd get DH or a friend to call with a fake emergency.

I would bow out gracefully and suggest that MIL would enjoy the afternoon with her daughters. You can then offer to take MIL out for a birthday lunch on another day with your DP.

I agree with this.

It's his Mum's birthday so she would probably (understandably and nothing against you) rather have her two daughters rather than you and one daughter.

I'd suck it up and go, it's your MIL's birthday and it's about her but if you really feel you can't then bow out.

I'd just go, but then I wouldn't be interested if she carried on because that would be her problem not mine.

I would feel very sorry for someone who is labelled the black sheep amongst the family of perfect hard workers, and is so looked down upon.

Her own brothers current piece decides she isn't worthy enough to be among her own family.

Catch yourself on will you and leave the family to celebrate together.

Oh give over! The “black sheep” beat people up and blue toothed loud rap music on previous days out. She sounds a bloody nightmare, and certainly isn’t being labelled that because she’s not got the same work ethic as everyone else. And it’s not the brother’s “piece” saying who should go - she’s saying SHE doesn’t want to go.’

OP I wouldn’t want to go either. I think I’d arrange a lunch with your mil separately from this day out and give it a swerve.

I don’t spend time with aggressive people as a rule.

I’d have an honest conversation with your sil and try and check out, tactfully, if she was relying on you being there for a bit of support? You are good friends now and can have a frank conversation presumably?

Otherwise, if it would feel too awkward to discuss, I’d just suck it up and go.

I love how your dh can shake this off btw! Ain’t that always the way!

Yeah it sounds stressful but for the sake of future relations I'd just suck it up and go.

When you've booked as a group and someone kicks off, you all get told to leave. You also don't know were people pop up in the future. So I'd bow out. My son in law was verbally abusive (he's horrible) to someone who now goes to and is good friends with the woman who runs my yoga class. I feel embarrassed to be associated with him.

YANBU but I would be honest about your reasons for changing your mind about attending. Your nice SIL is close to you and deserves to know the reason for you changing your mind (and may wish to reflect on it), not to feel that you have been flaky. If you are not clear now this type of situation is likely to continue.

Fair enough if you don't want to go and risk being embarrassed. But make sure that isn't the reason you give

This girl is DP's sister and therefore more closely related than his partner. His DM would no doubt want her there (or it would cause far more issues not to invite her)

Time of the month and feeling really poorly.

The issue is you’re not cancelling on “the black sheep” you’re cancelling on your future MIL and the older sister who made the arrangements.

I’m assuming you wouldn’t offend them by saying you’re embarrassed to be out with their daughter/sister. So you’re going to have to come up with a pretty good excuse to pull out of an important family celebration you’ve already committed to.

I’d go and hope for the best. If she makes a tit of herself it’ll only reflect badly on her. Just walk away if she’s gearing up for a tantrum and take MIL with you so it doesn’t spoil her birthday.