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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dynamics - whose BU

32 replies

Helki111 · 17/08/2024 11:28

I’m the youngest of 3 sisters and find it really hard to navigate the dynamics. I am a little depressed (don’t want to discuss on here) and I’m isolating myself which I know is not healthy but trying to “get out there” is not made easy by my one sister (Sister A) .

Sister B lives 1.5 hours away and has 2 boys similar age to my kids whereas sister A lives 2 hours away and kids are much older.

I just feel I can’t see Sister B without also having to see Sister A. It causes me so much stress. Sister A feels as she’s the eldest I should come to hers but it’s so much easier driving to B’s. she refuses to meet there and just tells me to see her after which causes stress as I can’t relax as watching the clock and then kids get over tired on way back so I just avoid seeing them. Haven’t actually seen them for over a year now.

truthfully Sister A is the one that makes more effort like she would drive to see me and rings on kids birthdays but I find it hard to tell her I’m just seeing B. I don’t know why I feel like this.

im worried I’m going to get more and more depressed and isolate myself. I do have kids friends mums I could see but i don’t feel like it. Had a few playdates since start of summer but honestly I feel more depressed! I know the kids seeing their cousins would cheer me up but I feel im doing “something wrong” when I just want to see sister B without A. But she won’t let it happen.

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 17/08/2024 11:30

Go and see sister b sometimes and sister a others, if sister a complains you say we'll come and see you on X date it's too much for the kids all in one day, or meet us at sister B's , it doesn't need to be a drama

Original poster
Helki111 · 17/08/2024 11:33

It’s never a drama and nothing is ever said more like it’s a feeling I’ve upset her. If that makes sense? I feel guilty when I see B

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/08/2024 11:37

You have an individual relationship with both sisters.

Alternate seeing them and alternate who drives to whom.

Tell sister A you struggle MUCH more with the drive to hers and please alternate. Do your DC get on with hers or are they so much older they aren't interested in their cousins?

Awrite · 17/08/2024 11:38

Totally reasonable to see sister B and not A.

You don't need a reason but kids seeing cousins could be it if you feel you need one.

I don't think twice about seeing some family without the others (I have 3 siblings). Ages of cousins comes into it.

I don't feel left out when they arrange visits I am not a part of.

Original poster
Helki111 · 17/08/2024 11:39

The thing is as they live so close by she gets upset if I see B without telling her and when I phone to tell her she gets quiet! It’s hard to explain

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/08/2024 11:39

Could you do child free meet ups with A mid way between homes, would you invite B as well?

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 11:41

Well you can either ask B if it's ok to invite A.

Why don't you have a proper discussion with A about it?

Original poster
Helki111 · 17/08/2024 11:43

One time I told her I was visiting B and A was going to a wedding she told me “no pop in here on your way there we not going till later, I want to see the boys!”, so we drive to hers to find she was in the car leaving! Her partner was looking annoyed with us btw, we literally said hello and didn’t leave the car and drove back so 1 hour wasted for nothing.

OP posts:
NachoChip · 17/08/2024 11:46

Why don't you see just sister A first, then the next time see just sister B. That way, she can't say anything as you saw her on her own. Explain you're happy to visit, and you'd love them to come to you, the only thing you're drawing the line at is two visits in one day. That's totally fair and reasonable.
If sister A is expecting you to make two visits in one day whilst also saying she won't come to you, then she's asking a lot more than she is prepared to give.
It's really hard when someone appears to be cross with you when they're being the unreasonable one. If that persists then your choices are to compromise yourself further, or accept that you're doing more than your share for the relationship and that she is being unfair.
I think if you choose one of those options and make peace with it either way, then perhaps you can relax a bit.
Sorry it's causing you stress, sometimes people are just unreasonable and can't see it x

Calamitousness · 17/08/2024 11:47

So why doesn’t B ever make any effort to come to you?
honestly this is being made harder than it needs to be. Either visit your sister B and don’t tell A you’re going (tell B to either not say to her or invite her too) and just relax. If you want to why not meet in the middle and avoid going anywhere near their homes. Meet at a child appropriate place for the cousins and you chat with sister B. Loads of totally viable options or even just use your voice and say to sister A that you are not going on to hers afterwards as it’s too disruptive for you and kids and she can meet you at B’s house if she wants to see you and that you hope she does because you’d love to see her.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/08/2024 11:48

Why are you the one that has to do all of the travelling here? Has Sister A ever visited your home? If not, why not? Same goes for Sister B.

I'd tell both sisters going forwards that every second visit, she must make the effort to come to visit you. You can't be the only one of the siblings that has to do all of the travelling to stay in touch. It's only fair. Yes, if that means they have to pack up their car to go visit, then they do that.

Alternatively, if A only lives half an hour away from B and you're doing all of the travelling, as A's kids are older, she could travel the 30 mins to see both sisters in B's home. I don't understand why A would be so against doing that unless there is an underlying issue between A and B that you're not aware of but that said, if there was, then B wouldn't go to A's house when you do visit A, so I'm just not sure what is going on between your other siblings.

You'll soon find out who puts the effort into maintaining a relationship with their siblings.

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 11:49

If she says about seeing the boys at all ever say "lovely. When do you want to come and visit?"

Put it back on sister A that she needs to also visit you. It's not a one way thing.

It sounds like you need to be up front that for you a 2 hour drive is too much, 2 visits in one day is WAY too much. It also seems that 2 hours is too much for her even though her DC are much older?

Is staying overnight with A an option, would you like that?

Tiswa · 17/08/2024 11:53

A does seem to travel to her it’s B who doesn’t I don’t think.
I may be wrong but I wonder if the issue is that B doesn’t bother to see you visit send gifts but you still want to see her. A who does these things sees this and gets upset and you channel that upset

what is the dynamic between A and B

LookItsMeAgain · 17/08/2024 11:57

I have to agree with @RandomMess when they say "Put it back on sister A that she needs to also visit you. It's not a one way thing."

Remind Sister A that roads work in both directions and so far, you're the one doing the majority of the travelling to visit. The next visit is HERS to make, not yours. Then don't interact for a while with A. Stay in touch with B but don't rise to the bait that A will dangle. She will be upset/angry/disappointed/whatever that you haven't been to see her but you've made it clear that the visit was from her to you and not the other way around. Make her put some effort in.

Remember the extra effort you made when she was going to that wedding and you didn't get an opportunity to see her outside of saying hello in the driveway and remember how that made you feel every time that A 'demands' you make an effort to see her. Tell her no, I can't do that, it doesn't work for me.

The dynamic between siblings has to change and you can be that change. Does B have similar issues with A, I wonder?

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 11:58

Ok I have reread the OP.

Sister A refuses to visit you and all her DN at Bs house. That is on her.

Tell her that 2 visits on one day is too much. That visiting B is for the cousins to spend time together.

Does A ever invite you and the DC to her house for the day? Do you ever invite her family to yours for the day?

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 12:01

Next time you are going to visit B invite A to meet you for dinner/tea somewhere near B's house with you and DC.

If she still refuses then it's totally on her for excluding herself.

turkeymuffin · 17/08/2024 12:02

Helki111 · 17/08/2024 11:33

It’s never a drama and nothing is ever said more like it’s a feeling I’ve upset her. If that makes sense? I feel guilty when I see B

This is a problem you can solve with your own therapy / counselling.

Original poster
Helki111 · 17/08/2024 12:02

Sorry I know I haven’t responded to the questions, I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I think there is a dynamic between A and B in that they don’t like each other but are civil, my husband is very controlling and doesn’t like people in our home but doesn’t care if I visit them or not. He also goes quiet and moody when I see them but I don’t bother looking at him for a few days when I do visit! I’m finding it really hard putting things into words I feel like my brain is frozen with all the stress I’m feeling.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 17/08/2024 12:05

It sounds like your husband is the issue more than Sister A. I'd start there.

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 12:05

Ok so the problem is your controlling husband, controlling oldest sister less so.

My advice is focus on leaving controlling husband.

Go visit A for the day and TELL her that you are being controlled and ask her help to leave him.

Original poster
Helki111 · 17/08/2024 12:06

They won’t exactly help me! They’ve seen his behaviour. Sorry I don’t want to derail the thread by making it about him. I want to feel good in this moment and getting out of the house and seeing my sisters will help. But I’m worried about A being upset with me.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 17/08/2024 12:08

Ok so yes your husband is also a part of this massively - and the fact that A and B don’t like each other either

LookItsMeAgain · 17/08/2024 12:14

It seems to me that you are the only one trying to maintain a relationship with all of the siblings and their kids while maintaining a happy family life at home.
My advice would be to tell them separately that you simply cannot sustain being the one who does all the travelling here. It's just not going to be possible going forwards.
Then you can either decide to get the support you need from Women's Aid or somewhere local to you to leave your controlling husband so that when you do, the stress you're under there will lessen or you can decide to tell your husband that you're going to have a relationship with your sisters and that they will be visiting in your home and whatever issues he may have regarding visitors, he puts a pin in it while they visit. They are family after all.

Come to think about it - do your DH's relations ever visit your home?

RandomMess · 17/08/2024 12:17

Do you want to go and visit A?

Original poster
Helki111 · 17/08/2024 12:18

LookItsMeAgain · 17/08/2024 12:14

It seems to me that you are the only one trying to maintain a relationship with all of the siblings and their kids while maintaining a happy family life at home.
My advice would be to tell them separately that you simply cannot sustain being the one who does all the travelling here. It's just not going to be possible going forwards.
Then you can either decide to get the support you need from Women's Aid or somewhere local to you to leave your controlling husband so that when you do, the stress you're under there will lessen or you can decide to tell your husband that you're going to have a relationship with your sisters and that they will be visiting in your home and whatever issues he may have regarding visitors, he puts a pin in it while they visit. They are family after all.

Come to think about it - do your DH's relations ever visit your home?

He doesn’t talk to his siblings which causes more stress and he gets jealous when I mention seeing mine. He sees his mum frequently like 2x a week but his siblings he doesn’t see them much at all. I’ve tried with his siblings but they have made it clear they are too busy and don’t have time for us or our kids. I think there’s an element that his parents favour him over them. His siblings are very much living in their own world and don’t even bother with their own parents who are getting old now, they will definitely turn up to their parents when they need money btw! But test if the time they’re just too self absorbed to even think of anyone else. I tried to maintain a relationship by sending cards and inciting them but over time I just left it especially when I had my own kids and realised they couldn’t care less about their new nephews.

OP posts: