Is it ever OK for a Husband to be verbally abusive?

[nightmarewife]

Even if you have really really really pissed him off with something you did ?

I did something yesterday that he is absolutely raging about..

It's about money and I decided to spend some money on something important to me.

It will not harm him or our family in any way. We tend to keep our finances quite separate. I didn't spend our savings or anything like that.

He went absolutely nuts and called me a bitch, idiot and a twat.

No

I think you must know that it's not OK to call you these things. However, I have called DH a fucking idiot before for spending money we really needed for something else. It wasn't right and I was completely out of order. This was years ago and I still feel bad about it.

No. My DW has never ever EVER talked to me like that, nor me to her.

He only stopped when I said I will take the kids and leave right this second if he continues to verbally abuse me.

He then said I was a joke for suggesting I would do that. But at least he stoped screaming at me and calling me names.

No. That is all.
In some circumstances anger is justified and appropriate. Abuse, and abusive language, never is.

Wow ok. I see. I guess he really feels I messed up big time and therefore deserved it.

I think it says a lot about you ( in a good way ) that you still feel bad about saying that. It says a lot about what other people's standards are. Other people but me, I mean. He's called me many things and I have on occasion retaliated.

I personally don't think it's ok for anyone ever to be verbally abusive in a relationship. My husband knows full well if he ever screams or swears at me in anger I'll be out the door. Toddlers communicate by screaming, adults talk.

I have just been on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse too because I misheard something H said. They are master manipulators turning things around so we are in the wrong. Think the professionals refer to it as DARVO. So sorry you are experiencing it too. Makes things so much more challenging when DC are involved too.

It's never ok but I think what happens next depends on two things:

1. What you actually did... did you basically spend a huge amount of money on something personal for you when it is family money (and as you're married, you are one entity financially, so it is family money either way)

2 THE MOST IMPORTANT BIT - how he reacts now. Has he apologised, accepted he should never have spoken to you that way, been willing to talk calmly about why his reaction was so extreme.

And I guess a third thing: has he done this before? Is it really a one off?

Has he apologised for this behaviour? Was it typical or unprecedented?

No apologies. Yeah he has called me names before.

No, that's not what I'm saying, you absolutely did not deserve to be called names like that no one does. Neither did DH when I was horrible to him and I excused myself at the time saying I was stressed with young kids, no money etc etc., but that's a shitty excuse. I was horrible and DH didn't deserve it at all. Neither do you.

Yes I get that our finances are linked. But he can spend his money as extravagantly as he likes. I never say anything.

Think spots cars, designer clothes etc. when I spend mine on something important to me, which he doesn't deem important - he goes nuts. Not fair.

No apologies today.

You bought something out of your savings that you could afford and won’t effect him and he has kicked off - this is controlling. His reaction was verbally abusive. He’s supposed to be your partner, an equal, not your parent or a headteacher. Why does he think it is his right to tell you off and belittle you for choosing to make an affordable purchase using your savings? It doesn’t matter whether he thinks you need it or not, you’re an adult and should be free to make your own choices. Obviously if you couldn’t afford it or were using family money it would be reasonable for him to have a say (although still not to be verbally abusive) but it doesn’t sound like that is the case here. I would be looking to leave in your situation.

Name calling is abusive. But I have just seen your update so there is a financial imbalance in this relationship. Have you asked him specifically why he is "allowed" to spend on himself as he pleases and you aren't? If you are too scared to open that conversation then it tells you that you are afraid of his reaction and that is not a good place to be.

Have a look at this, this is from the Gottman Institute, look them up. The name calling comes into criticism where the person attacks the character of the other person rather than dealing with the issue. And no Dh and I have never name called one another in any sort of argument.

Ok we get the picture.

He can spend his savings as he pleases.

When you do the same, you get called a string of unpleasant names.

He thinks that's OK.

Yanbu. It may have become normal for you, but it's not for most people. You have a choice, you don't have to live with it.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat a partner ?

It’s sounds like this incident of verbal abuse is part of a much bigger picture of control (he can spend his money, you can’t spend yours) and verbal abuse (previous incidents). I’d think seriously about the relationship and at the very very least issue an ultimatum that any more incidents of abuse will mean you will leave.

I can imagine there could be a 1 off verbal abuse incident in a relationship in response to a huge transgression in a relationship (cheating, spending family money, gambling, massive lies etc) but that isn’t what’s happening here.

No but to perfectly honest if you really don't know that I would leave now

My DH and I swear like troopers but we don’t use those words in anger towards each other. I had to think about it though as it’s not a conscious decision on my part to not swear when we disagree. Probably because even when arguing I love him and don’t want to hurt him and know that calling him names would be too wounding.

I’d be upset too OP.

Do you also speak to him in this way?

In many marriages, people do seem to lose their tempers and it’s reciprocal….

My husband just wouldn’t and it wouldn’t ever be ok, because that’s just not how we are. But I know people who will F and blind when annoyed and you can’t have one rule for one and another for another.

BUT this level of reaction suggests one of two things -

• he’s financially controlling and controlling in other ways too
• you have done something REALLY stupid that’s going to have an impact on the family finances

No way of knowing as you haven’t said what you have bought or what the impact would be.

Is he/could he be in money trouble you aren’t aware of?

OP was it a cosmetic procedure? You don’t have to answer. I only ask because my DH is extravagant in a lot of ways but is very vocal about aesthetic procedures and surgeries because of safety risks.

He needed constant reassurance for about two weeks after I tried Botox 🤣🤣🤣

how much did you spend on what?

What did you by and how much was it.

I would say no. There's a big difference between calling someone a "twat" in a sort of lighthearted or only mildly pissed off manner and screaming at someone and calling them a bitch. The fact you had to threaten to leave says a lot to be honest, OP. Do you feel safe and secure around him anymore?