Is it ever OK for a Husband to be verbally abusive?

[nightmarewife]

Even if you have really really really pissed him off with something you did ?

I did something yesterday that he is absolutely raging about..

It's about money and I decided to spend some money on something important to me.

It will not harm him or our family in any way. We tend to keep our finances quite separate. I didn't spend our savings or anything like that.

He went absolutely nuts and called me a bitch, idiot and a twat.

He sees the money as his money not the families money. He buys extravagant things but you cant without verbal abuse. He wants his cake and eat it...he sounds like a misogynist and as well as verbally abusive hes financially abusive too

What did you spend your money on OP? It's not an ok way to talk to someone, but if I find that DH has spent his money doing something dangerous or illegal I would be furious

I would not have that man in my life for a minute or even a second more.

My parents raised myself and my sisters and brother to never have anyone treat us with disrespect.

Why would you accept his vile behaviour?

I don't think it's ever okay to speak to your partner like that, no matter what they've done. My husband would never speak to me like that or raise his voice to me. I'd be really shaken up if he ever did

It’s curious that she’s not willing to say what she bought and how much it cost

So you have spent your own money that you have earned yourself from your salary, it affects nobody but you and he is kicking off?

He is the problem

No. My husband would never speak to me like that, and vice versa.

That's not to say we don't argue or swear, of course we do. But I wouldn't accept him calling me names.

From your other updates your husband is not only verbally abusive but financially controlling? That's not ok and you don't have to put up with it.

But as the OP says it's from her own money and doesn't affect him or the family - so why does it matter?

The most I get from my other half when we disagree is a sigh. Swearing/insults either way would result in either one of us walking out.

If it’s as simple as that and that’s true it doesn’t matter

but things can be more complex than that

it’s definitely not ok to be abusive.

But I’m wondering what she’s actually done that’s caused this response, that’s she’s unwilling to name?

Anger is a normal, healthy emotion and very few people sharing a house with another adult can go a lifetime without feeling it. It's what you do with it that's important.

I've shouted at DP on occasion, and expressed various levels of frustration, annoyance and a couple of times, rage.

But I have not belittled him with abusive language, nor have I raised my voice above an acceptable level. I guess it's different when men shout as it can be inherently scary, especially if kids are present.

My mum and step dad screamed at each other regularly and it was hard to witness, though it always blew over.

If it crosses your boundaries of what you think is acceptable, tell him very firmly. I told my DP early on 'if you ever speak to me like that again I will ask you to leave' and he took it on board.

No, completely unacceptable to treat someone like that. He's allowed his feelings and to be angry but not to be abusive - that's where the line is drawn IMO.

Are your kids around during this? If so then they are witnessing this abuse.

No.

Having been a victim of abuse, and a child growing up in an abusive home, my answer is always that it's better to be single that ever put up with being ridiculed, humiliated, called names, sworn at etc. Ten years ago I would have been more forgiving...but also more vulnerable to abuse.

If a man can't handle conflict in a calm, measured way, he's got no place at all in my, or my children's lives. After getting out of my last (emotionally/verbally abusive) relationship, and before meeting DH I did a hell of a lot of "thank you, next." in dating and spent many years living in peace as a single woman. If DH behaved as your husband has, he'd be shown the door.

Life's too short to spend it walking on eggshells in your own home.

He sounds awful and absolutely abusive.
If this is your life then you need to rethink it.

This must be awful for your children.
Call Womens aid for a chat.

Its not acceptable for him to get into a rage about your personal spending that has no impact on him in the first place. This in itself if very concerning behaviour, as he appears to believe he has the right to financially control you.
But to answer your direct question, most people would find being called abusive names in an argument unacceptable. Because it means you are married to an unintelligent man with a tiny vocabulary who doesn't have the ability to argue points without getting personal and/or cannot control himself.

Now I've heard more OP, he's clearly abusive. You should definitely consider (carefully) your plan to leave.

You know that he’s a cunt don’t you? You know he treats you like shit, with one rule for him and another much stricter one for you? So leave.

Sorry op, it's not ok. In 15years my dh has never even said a shut up to me. We would both be horrified to call each other a name. Sounds like he is abusive and not done in anger.

I left my ex for this. He would launch into a tirade of abuse whenever he was angry about something. I wrote it all down because I knew it wasn't acceptable and that I didn't deserve it. I gave him chances but he couldn't stop so I left him. He also never seemed to feel that bad after doing it - I provoked him apparently, or he was stressed, or I was 'exaggerating'. He couldn't own up to what he said and certainly never apologised for it.

There was no way I was going to let my child grow up seeing that man verbally abuse me. When I wonder about whether I did the right thing, I look back at my notes on his abusive language and I have zero regrets.

All relationships- partners, friends, siblings- have their accepted levels of abuse, IYSWIM. Not that swearing at each other is necessarily OK just because you both think it's OK - but it might be.

The two big red flags here are, firstly, that you clearly aren't happy with it; secondly, that it's a matter of a man trying to control his partner's finances, whether a given transaction affects him or not.

Let me guess - he spends money on hobbies and treats for himself but you can’t buy so much as a new pair of plimsoles without his written permission.
Am I right?

Honestly - in 19 years my DH has never called me a nasty name and vice versa.

Plenty of disagreements but we communicate. Even when one of us has made a daft decision financially it wouldn’t happen.

He went absolutely nuts and called me a bitch, idiot and a twat. Would it be all right for you to talk to your DC like that? Or to your work colleagues? The answer is the same

Not really your business.

You spent your own money ?
He doesn’t like that ? Unless I’m missing something.

Abusive and controlling. Even if you did something wrong, calm discussion is the way to go.
There is no excuse for name calling and verbal abuse ( or controlling behaviour)