To request child maintenance from abusive ex I won’t let see our son?

[Questionqueen]

Hi there

following on my last post where I explain the extreme abuse my ex put me through and then eventually did infront of my child (after we split up) and that’s where I then put my foot down and stopped him from seeing our child..

am I wrong on applying for child Maintenance? He’s provided only 1 tin of milk for my son and no clothes nappies or wipes etc.

he’s booking holidays and taking girls on dates with his money and I have no problem with this if he’s paying for his son to have basic needs but he’s not. Calculator says he should pay £400 a month but he pays £0. Please don’t think I’m bitter. If he is away from me I’m happy and couldn’t care about dates and holidays. Point is my son has needs and I’m on maternity pay currently. When I’m back at wrk next month I’ll be a lot better :-). BUT I think he should still pay?

he’s threatened to put me in debt if I were to stand up to him (this is a different subject let’s not get into that) I have stood up to him anyway. But… am I wrong to apply if I am keeping my son away from him (for my sons safety and well-being)?

YANBU. It takes two to produce a child, and it's not your/your son's fault that he has fucked things up with his behaviour.

You've split up, he has a child and should pay his dues to that child. End of.

Having him take responsibility for his son and being a positive role model are 2 completely different things
Apply for maintenance - expect some unpleasant push back - keep all evidence of abuse - if he takes you to court for access then you can demonstrate how he is and your child's welfare is the priority

Or .. do what I did and just walk away and provide for your child , enjoy the quiet drama free life and the fact that I probably would never have received a penny .

Yanbu
The two are separate issues.

Both parents have equal responsibility to provide for their child.

A child must be protected from an abuser as far as possible. That doesn't mean the abuser gets to not contribute to feeding and clothing their child.

Thanks I just needed piece of mind, can he refuse to pay? If he does what happens? If he pushes back which I expect, I won’t proceed because I won’t give him that satisfaction

Don’t be intimidated by him. Claim CMS. He produced a child and has a duty to that child whether he has access or not. He should pay.

Well done you are brave and wonderful and should be so proud. I hope you have healed from the scumbag and you and your child are now thriving

I thought if you apply through CMS he doesn’t have a choice.
If he won’t pay, it’ll get taken off his pay or benefits.
I may be wrong though.

Ah okay well this would make sense. I have provided his number address and work address name and occupation too. I am expecting a lovely email with threats on if I were to proceed once he receives a letter but let’s see. I just feel like somehow and some way he is going to almost certainly turn this on me and come out on top once again

Put the claim in but don’t get your hopes up. I put a claim in 5 months ago and haven’t received anything due to him living under the radar. He was living at his new girlfriends 6 days after we split and because I don’t know the address and because he refusing to give it they can’t progress my case. They’ve just said I’ve got to wait till he slips up with car insurance etc. So even though he works etc I don’t get anything

Of course the horrible fucker should pay towards the child he created. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t like it. Stand firm OP. You can do this 💪

Yes, he absolutely should pay.

Will he try to start having DC overnight? To reduce the payments? Does he have family around him?

Go after the CMS. If he wanted to see his child he should have behaved like a father.

My abusive ex never paid a penny in child support. I reported him to CMS, but they are so useless that they did absolutely nothing to even request the money, much less enforce payment.

Children aren't pay per view, he should pay

Urgh!!!! What a horrible scumbag! You’ll come out on top give it time. Wishing you luck peace and happiness!!

OP stand up to this twat now or you set yourself up for 18 years of being walked over. What do you mean he will put you in debt? What are these threats? Document them and report to the police if he keeps up this shit. Proceed that claim, see it through and get what he owes. Stop being scared to stand up to him, you NEED to see this through. They'll just take the money if he doesn't pay it, they're very good when you have all the info they need.

Don’t contact him yourself OP, put a claim in with CMS. As long as he’s working “properly” as in paid properly, he’ll have to pay. If he refuses they can take it from his pay and do it that way. I hope you’re okay x

I’d expect him to either go self employed if possible in his job type or take you to court for contact.

However your child is entitled to that money so don’t be brow beaten by him.

You should claim child maintenance but you also should allow him access (maybe supervised) if the courts deem it appropriate. As I don't know the particulars I do t know of the courts will grant access

Contact and maintenance are completely separate issues. No contact relates to the safety of your son, paying maintenance for his son is his duty. You should absolutely claim

trigger warning - about sadness to do with children
So his other threats are that he would take me to social services and report me for not being a fit mother. Back story in short after I had my son I was dealing with raging hormones and his abuse calling me a fat slag and really really stepping up his unsupportive abuse telling me if I text him while he’s driving he might crash into a car with a baby inside and imagine it was my son inside. He had me breaking down daily panicking in case something were to happen. To my baby. He put me through hell the days after having my son. Not doing one night feed I had a sprained foot but had to make every bottle do every feed make tea by the time he was home from work and it had to be an appropriate meal and do housework otherwise I was lazy and he would really kick off and be rotten towards me. Also demanded sex about 3 weeks after my child. Before this I had to preform oral sex or he would go mad.
It got too much and I got depressed for a week or so. I’d cry and I lost control of myself and didn’t want to be here - I NEVER put my child at risk EVER and never would. I ALWAYS made sure my child was safe and fed changed and looked after him and I must say here I never tried to end my life I was just really down and fed up of my life with my abuser!!
He recorded me at my low points saying how sad I was and had enough didn’t wanna be here etc and threatens me with these recordings now. I quickly got over my depression and realised it was him doing harm and I left. I have never been happier or more put together without him out of my life. I’m smashing life now he has gone and don’t feel an ounce of sadness. I’m just scared of his threats.

He SHOULD pay, but my advice with an abuser like this would be to cut all possible ties and pay whatever price needed to do that. He will use ANYTHING as a means to abuse you and stay in your life given the chance. Especially your child. If he's not seeing your child and is busy doing something and someone else, I'd let it go in order to be able to move on with my life. Hopefully the thought you might want money from him if he ever appears will be a deterrant to him contacting you ever again (I assume he is blocked everywhere?)

Let sleeping shitbags lie.

I'm sorry he made you feel like that but truthfully I was reading your post waiting for some terrible confession...and it never came. There is NOTHING he could hold over you. When your son was tiny you were a bit unwell, but now you're better and caring for him brilliantly on your own.

The narrative of, "I'll tell the court you're mad and you'll lose custody of the children" is a complete cliche among abusive men. It pretty much never works. Judges must have special training to stop them rolling their eyes when the men trot that one out.

Thankyou! Im thinking of closing the case so he can’t have any hold over us. Like you I stopped contact and my son sees a therapist to help him