To request child maintenance from abusive ex I won’t let see our son?

[Questionqueen]

Hi there

following on my last post where I explain the extreme abuse my ex put me through and then eventually did infront of my child (after we split up) and that’s where I then put my foot down and stopped him from seeing our child..

am I wrong on applying for child Maintenance? He’s provided only 1 tin of milk for my son and no clothes nappies or wipes etc.

he’s booking holidays and taking girls on dates with his money and I have no problem with this if he’s paying for his son to have basic needs but he’s not. Calculator says he should pay £400 a month but he pays £0. Please don’t think I’m bitter. If he is away from me I’m happy and couldn’t care about dates and holidays. Point is my son has needs and I’m on maternity pay currently. When I’m back at wrk next month I’ll be a lot better :-). BUT I think he should still pay?

he’s threatened to put me in debt if I were to stand up to him (this is a different subject let’s not get into that) I have stood up to him anyway. But… am I wrong to apply if I am keeping my son away from him (for my sons safety and well-being)?

Really? He said I'd loose my child as an unfit mother. I'm debating speaking to social services myself but he has put the fear of god into me

Yes, that's why men like him do it. They got off on frightening you when you were together, and they are still getting off on frightening you into not standing up to them.

Being abused affects our mental health. When we are free of the abuse, very often our MH starts to recover. This isn't a given, and for some people the terrible thing is that they only ended up in the abusive situation due to poor MH in the first place. But...for most of us, being away from the abuser helps us to heal. You won't lose your son. He's trying to scare you. If you have the strength, don't let him win

My temptation would be to suggest this is worth considering, even though he should be paying, if you think in the future you may be able to manage financially without him. I say this only after experiencing an ex who did the usual knee jerk thing of 'well I'm going to go for 50/50 access'- simply so that he didn't have to pay maintenance. He dragged me through the courts for several years and it cost me a fortune. I engaged simply because I felt that extensive contact with him in the school week would be disruptive and damaging for my DC. He didn't gain anything worth mentioning in the end, in terms of contact, as I was meticulous in all my evidence and paid for a good lawyer, but the stress hugely impacted my life and my DC's early years. I think some abusers exploit the family courts to attempt more abuse and control. Being a long way away from him and not having any contact may be worth much more in terms of wellbeing and future relationships.

The threshold for removing a child from their primary caregiver is incredibly high. Feeling depressed post naturally especially with an abusive partner who you've now left to protect yourself and your child, won't come anywhere near that threshold. He'll just show himself to be abusive if he tries this. You have nothing to fear.

He should pay maintenance. But you can’t put a price on a peaceful life in which he has absolutely no involvement or contact. If attempting to claim maintenance is going to bring him back out of the woodwork, resulting in your life being made very difficult it may not be worth it. Only you can decide.

OP, if he ever officially claims you're an unfit mother then you only need one very simple response; "if you believed me to be an unfit parent, then why would you leave me alone with the baby for so long?"
His threat is to stop you holding him to account and accept his terrible behaviour for fear that he will have your baby removed.
What good parent leaves an infant with a truly unfit caregiver? Would you?

Honestly my lovely stop worrying.

So you had a down moment. We all have moments where it feels too much.

There is no evidence you cannot and are not caring for your son properly or to a good level.

Do you honestly think him walking into SS with a phone recoding made months ago to say "I'm really worried about my ds" is going to make him look good and get custody?

If he was com earned he should have removed ds and call police, ambulance and/or SS at the time.

And a loving partner helps one who's struggling - they don't sit and record it.

You won't be the one who comes out of this badly.

Apply through CMS for maintenance,

If he emails anything threatening report to the police.

If he says he wants to see DS then tell him to go to court and they can decide about contact.

Agree with going to CMS. Tell them about the abuse and that you don't want contact with him and they will arrange everything (and charge him extra). If he wants to challenge them you don't have to get involved.

He's spectacularly unlikely to call SS but, if he does, just be honest with them. They will have had revenge referrals from abusive exs before.

Good luck

OP it sounds like you were a brilliant and dedicated mum in very difficult circumstances. Anyone would feel how you did.

It sounds like in your case the depression was a warning signal to get you out of a bad situation. And it resolved itself when you got out. To now be happy and not have (as far as I can infer from your posts) any lingering depression shows you are extremely resilient.

You should be so proud of yourself. Please don’t let him get in your head about being an unfit mother. You are anything but!

I can’t imagine anyone hearing your story would have anything but praise and support for you.

That's the nicest words anyone's spoken to me regarding this matter. Thank you so much!!

You need to step away from the mindset that you are being bitter. You are expecting your child's father to pay for his upkeep. You are asking for basic common decency towards you and your child. Sadly I do know that with some men decency is alot to ask for.

Please speak to women's aid. They will help you get all this straight in your head and support you if he kicks off any crap. What a vile man. You are a wonderful mum, he is a textbook abuser, not even got any original material just all classical bullshit using your child as a weapon against you. Social services would take one look at you and pat you on the back for doing a brilliant job of ditching this loser at the earliest opportunity. I kept mine 15 year so you're light years ahead of me.

Mantra going forward....believe NOTHING that comes out his mouth, he's a liar and manipulator and has nothing on you. It's all designed to scare you using the most precious thing you have as a weapon. Do what you need to do OP, good luck.

You sound lovely and a fantastic mum.
My DD's dad only paid for a month or 2 after she was born.
I didn't give him the satisfaction of going after him. I just knew it would make him feel even more shitty because I was quite able to manage without him.

He has nothing in you so please don't worry.

Good luck

This 1000 times.

Spot on, on all points.