To be sad that she thinks I’m a bad boss?

[Worstbossever]

I’ve been debating typing this as I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for, really. The short version is that I have a team member who clearly thinks I am a terrible boss. She is underperforming and difficult, but she’s also having a terrible time in her personal life. I’ve tried hard to be accommodating with those issues, as they are genuine, but it’s been going on for over a year now and I’m just fed up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I’ve also been a bit at fault because I’ve taken too long to handle this, made a few too many allowances and let some stuff slide that probably shouldn’t be let slide. And now my boss is on my case to sort it out, as I’m at risk of under-performing if I can’t get her to do her work. So I suppose I’ve been inconsistent and now I’m being firmer and that could be confusing.

Some examples of her behaviour:

• Routinely missing deadlines
• Not sharing documents with the right people, or holding conversations in the wrong channels which mean that important voices are excluded and can’t have their say
• not updating the team tracker
• prioritising ‘easy’ tactical stuff over more difficult plans and strategic thinking
• not prepping for meetings so they take longer while she gets the info she needs
• rolling her eyes and snapping in 1:1s

We are mostly remote with a few office days here and there, and I think she’s lonely. She spends AGES on calls just chatting, and she also takes ages to get to the point. When I try to be quite efficient, she feels rushed.

She expresses that she thinks I’m a bad manager - when we are having difficult conversations, she starts crying and saying that she’s never had a manager behave like this before. But when offered the chance to share reflections with my boss or informally with HR, she’s not taken them.

Other people have also had some problems with her, and I have no other problems with other team members. I am following all my HR processes and I feel like I am probably in the right (though all feedback is a gift and I’m keen to learn/do better). I also know that I’m battling all sorts of stereotypes and cultural norms about female bosses and likeability. And not everyone can like you.

BUT I’m really really sad that she feels this way about me. I know it’s silly and I know I need to get over it but I just want her to like me!

Help me get over myself

You don't need her to like you - you need her to do the work. But you need to do that in a reasonable manner without micromanaging her.

Why is she rolling her eyes in her 1-2-1s?

It sounds like she’s just not very good at her job.

It also sounds like you’ve tried quite hard to be fair to her.

Remember: Not everyone will like you. That’s just life.

I do wonder if she’s trying to manipulate you a bit. All the crying in 1:1 meetings and implying you’re a bad manager stuff. By which I mean, she can tell you care what others think of you.

If other people tell her off or critique her, does she respond the same way?

None of those things should have been let slide because she’s having a hard time in her personal life, op.
Why have you been making allowances for her basically not doing her job properly?

If you’re that desperate to be liked, management might not be the right job for you! It’s not you as a person or a boss that she dislikes, she just doesn’t want to have to do her work efficiently. People like that always look for someone else to blame.

I think like you sound like a good manager, but maybe I am too public sector 🤣. I think it’s very decent to try to be understanding and accommodate some personal isssues. But it can’t go on for ever and she has shown she’s not good enough. You have to be tougher now, which will mean either she ups her game, or you have to enact more formal performance management processes.

Yeah, I know, and I don’t think I micromanage, though I wonder what she would say. She doesn’t use the team tracker to give updates so I probably do ask for more updates than normal, so maybe that is micromanaging? But we have a policy of updating the tracker so that if someone is off urgently (which has happened a lot this year) everyone else knows where a project is up to.

The eye-rolling is in response to an annoying phrase that I’ve been told I overuse.

This isn't about you.

• Routinely missing deadlines
This is on her.
• Not sharing documents with the right people, or holding conversations in the wrong channels which mean that important voices are excluded and can’t have their say
This is also on her.
• not updating the team tracker
And this.
• prioritising ‘easy’ tactical stuff over more difficult plans and strategic thinking
She's lazy too.
• not prepping for meetings so they take longer while she gets the info she needs
That's a her thing.
• rolling her eyes and snapping in 1:1s
Is poor behaviour. No excuses, whatever her personal situation.

Has she got an improvement plan?

I do feel a bit manipulated, yes! A lot of
crying. She’s had such a hard time and my heart goes out to her, but it’s like she has no control over her emotions, and the slightest challenge or scrutiny on her work and she starts to cry.

Eg today, I needed to get a straight answer on something and she just kept going round the houses, and when I said, look, I just need to know x, she started to cry. Then asked me if I was ok because I wasn’t smiley and cheerful.

I‘ve not seen other people critique her so I can’t say, but she does seem to have history with another role, which I only found out about after she started.

Honestly, it’s a tonne of reasons, but mostly because she’s had this terrible time and I feel so much empathy and compassion for her.

I want her to know that we have her back through this.

But I feel like I’ve now been taken advantage of and I feel a bit embarrassed too. Like I know I’ve been too soft and I can’t quite articulate why

Yeah, tbh that’s one of the reasons why I’m thinking about going freelance myself. I am good at lots of parts of my job, including difficult conversations outside my team, and have no need to be liked all the time, but it seems to be harder with direct reports. I know it’s ridiculous but I do care what they think

But allowing her to let her work slide to the point she was causing issues for others isn’t having her back, op?
Your need for your direct reports to like you is preventing you managing effectively.

As a manager you need to get used to being disliked. You can't be people's friend and manage their work.

This has been going on for a year now, so I think you've been accommodating enough. Some of it should have been nipped in the bud, for example rolling her eyes and snapping at you. That's very disrespectful behaviour.

I'm also wondering how it affects her colleagues when she doesn't meet deadlines, doesn't share documents, excludes people etc

I would arrange a meeting with her about her behaviour, giving her an opportunity to address it. I would document the meeting and follow up the meeting with an email of what has been discussed.

I would explain what the problems are, the consequences of those problems and discuss how they can be addressed. I would offer further training if necessary. I would come up with an action plan and monitor progress.

After a period of three months, I would review her progress. If she is still underperforming, I would start formal proceedings.

If she cries, then offer a ten minute break and resume the meeting. If she rolls her eyes or snaps at you, then tell her to stop.

I have never been the boss of anybody, so I don't know anything about it, but OP, can you get support about this from someone? Can your boss help you in the situation? Or someone else?

I hope it will all work out, OP!

These threads really make me cringe and I think they make women in management look very unprofessional, when they turn to a public parenting website for advice on how to do their job.

But more importantly, if this employee stumbles across this thread and recognises herself, you'll have proven her right.

Ah the curse of the underperforming underling. So then your job just becomes trying to get her job done and blamed for both jobs going tits up. It sounds to me like she needs to find a more suitable job that she can perform in.

You've really got to toughen up because this woman is running roughshod over you.

You need to have a meeting about her performance and her behaviour, giving her a time period in which you expect to see significant improvement. Document everything. If she doesn't make the improvements necessary, you need to start formal proceedings. One bad employee can poison the whole bunch, and if I were one of her colleagues, I would be really fed up with her always taking the piss.

To add, every time she rolls her eyes or does anything else so blatantly disrespectful, you need to address it right there and then. Every single time.

Be careful you do everything by the book and get 1-2-1s, improvement requirements etc in writing with proper SMART objectives. I had a direct report similar to this and ended up with an informal bullying allegation (4 pages of things I had done to offend over 3 years) and then formal bullying allegations against my successor who had exactly the same problems.
It took a lot of time to deal with and was upsetting for all. If it happened again I would take stronger action sooner and get HR advice.

Cheers, I’m also public sector/local government (and I should say that this is why I want to sort it out, since it’s public money being spent)

You aren’t wrong and I’ve been thinking about this a lot, I feel like I’ve let myself down

It sounds like manipulation, and in a way suggesting you are managing her “badly” is a threat. Do you have mid- year reviews or anything like that? This could be an opportunity for you to hold the review jointly, either with your manager or a peer. So that when you go through performance issues, targets missed, suggestions for improvement, it is witnessed that you are doing it professionally, in line with pre- agreed targets, and not bullying. You could say that you need feedback on your performance in managing, to set it up.

As an alternative perspective - If the terrible time she has had is affecting her working life to the extent that she cant do her work/is crying in meetings etc then it could be a mental health issue (burnout or PTSD). Which is terrible, but NOT your problem to solve, and not something you can solve by being "nice" really. Your job as a manager is to manage her work and address issues. If she is incapable of working, she needs to get herself to the GP and get herself signed of for stress for example, or seek treatment. Our work has counsellors within the medical unit we would be encouraged to speak to in that situation. But not speaking to them, or not doing anything about the issues would be the same as just not turning up to work because you broke your leg but also not going to the doctors or doing anything to fix the broken leg and expecting the manager to informally cover for you without so much as a doctors note.

Or she could just be bad at her job/manipulative. I don't know her or what the specific circumstances are... But sick leave exists for people who have genuine issues (for example if she was assaulted and had PTSD from that) you can't informally circumvent those by just letting her not work.

@JabbaTheBeachHut an interesting perspective, thank you. I don’t agree that this is just a parenting website though - there are work threads, and it’s (mostly) a collection of women talking about issues that affect them. As a female leader, I’m aware of these stereotypes and I’m calling out my own vulnerability in that they do affect me - I want to stop feeling like this and I’d like some advice.

It sounds like she is just difficult to LM. Perhaps in general or just perhaps at this point in her life.

I would just make sure you follow processes and seek any support you need in dealing with her. It won’t be forever. Hopefully she will either up her game or move on or something.

Unfortunately v often when you challenge people they go on the offensive. This has happened to me several times. I think it happens more often than not. Tell her you want to support her to do better but there are the targets she has to meet. You prob already did that. Then try to be thick skinned. She’ll probs leave if it is too uncomfortable

@Citrusandginger @cupcaske123 no improvement plan yet, I am currently getting evidence of where things have fallen down because I don’t have much formal stuff (having let some stuff slide before)

@Aquamarine1029 @SkaneTos HR have been brilliant and supportive. My boss equally supportive but is also a bit frustrated with me because she needs things from my team, was aware of the underperformance but now thinks I need to be tougher. She’s not wrong

@biscuitandcake yes, I worry about her and hope she can get help but I worry about overstepping by talking about it. She’s been offered lots of emotional support