To be sad that she thinks I’m a bad boss?

[Worstbossever]

I’ve been debating typing this as I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for, really. The short version is that I have a team member who clearly thinks I am a terrible boss. She is underperforming and difficult, but she’s also having a terrible time in her personal life. I’ve tried hard to be accommodating with those issues, as they are genuine, but it’s been going on for over a year now and I’m just fed up.

To avoid drip-feeding, I’ve also been a bit at fault because I’ve taken too long to handle this, made a few too many allowances and let some stuff slide that probably shouldn’t be let slide. And now my boss is on my case to sort it out, as I’m at risk of under-performing if I can’t get her to do her work. So I suppose I’ve been inconsistent and now I’m being firmer and that could be confusing.

Some examples of her behaviour:

• Routinely missing deadlines
• Not sharing documents with the right people, or holding conversations in the wrong channels which mean that important voices are excluded and can’t have their say
• not updating the team tracker
• prioritising ‘easy’ tactical stuff over more difficult plans and strategic thinking
• not prepping for meetings so they take longer while she gets the info she needs
• rolling her eyes and snapping in 1:1s

We are mostly remote with a few office days here and there, and I think she’s lonely. She spends AGES on calls just chatting, and she also takes ages to get to the point. When I try to be quite efficient, she feels rushed.

She expresses that she thinks I’m a bad manager - when we are having difficult conversations, she starts crying and saying that she’s never had a manager behave like this before. But when offered the chance to share reflections with my boss or informally with HR, she’s not taken them.

Other people have also had some problems with her, and I have no other problems with other team members. I am following all my HR processes and I feel like I am probably in the right (though all feedback is a gift and I’m keen to learn/do better). I also know that I’m battling all sorts of stereotypes and cultural norms about female bosses and likeability. And not everyone can like you.

BUT I’m really really sad that she feels this way about me. I know it’s silly and I know I need to get over it but I just want her to like me!

Help me get over myself

So surely you ask your line manager for advice/training?

How would you feel if you recognised yourself on a public internet forum, because your manager was discussing you?

She needs to be put on a PIP - zero excuses for not performing at 100% regardless of what might be going on in an employee's personal life.

She basically needs a job, she’s more able for, you are not unreasonable

I think you need to schedule an appointment with HR involved. She needs to understand that your criteria for her doing her job is not a bad thing. I think she's manipulative. If she's not doing her job she needs to go.

@JabbaTheBeachHut i have asked my boss for advice but then i thought I’d ask others too. I’ve been careful not to share any individually identifying factors, including where we work or the type of work we do. It could be any type of role, and could be any person.

I’ve read threads before that sound similar to my own situation - I think that’s the joy of this website, there are people facing similar challenges to you.

However, if she did stumble on this and recognised herself, I hope she’d see that I am trying hard to be the best, supportive boss that I can be, while still working to do my job well.

I'm an operations manager and when working my way up the need to be liked was strong, I gave leeway when I shouldn't have & let people get away with so much, now I'm much firmer and follow process better, I have found I get more respect, do people like me more, perhaps not, but I treat all my team fairly, being in charge is vey different to bring liked.

Then asked me if I was ok because I wasn’t smiley and cheerful.

Presumably, your answer to this was along the lines of "no, not really. There are a number of areas where you need to improve. I've tried being nice about it, but that isn't working. Maybe in trying to be nice, I haven't been clear enough about what you need to do. I will resolve that now...."

Op, she's taking the piss out of you, to be blunt. I wonder if you'd have the same drama if you put her on a performance plan and rrequested she's in the office more (dependant on contract conditions).

You can of course be empathetic, most of us humans are. Refer her to occ health. I fell foul of this once and it nearly got me sacked. There's no harm, as a manager, to refer to HR for them to escalate. That's what they are there for.

This happens where I work OP, particularly the bit where we as managers let things slide simply because we're also too busy to put a formal action plan together

Start from now, you just put together a formal plan, of tasks expected within reasonable timescales

If she isnt able to manage it, and you have made any reasonable adjustments agreed by HR or OH then its down capability or managed move out.

And unfortunately, I find myself putting things in peoples diaries, which essentially is micromanaging, its not my style but as a manger you sometimes have to adapt according to the worker. If she doesnt do those things, why, what is she doing instead (chatting around the office, procrastinating, avoiding) and then that feeds into the evidence about what she is able to manage.

She sounds awful, obviously. And you're not unfeasible you feel how you feel. Most people want to be liked and it's hard feeling like you're not. I've line managed slightly tricky people and had a sinking feeling when months have gone by and I realise I should have done things differently and it's not a nice feeling.
I do, however, agree with the pp who said this doesn't belong on Mumsnet. It doesn't really matter whether it's identifiable or not.

I understand you so much! I have been going through a similar thing. I have "inherited" a woman and she is just awful. I have never ever worked with anyone who is so evil. I am working on getting rid of her as she is toxic to the team. Took me awhile to see what she is like as she is a huge gaslighter!

I run a team. And honestly it's not fair on the rest of them that you have left this poor performance go on.

You need to formalise it. Whatever your process is, get her on an improvement plan work with HR do do that.

Please OP, toughen up, managing people isn't about being liked, it helps but fairness and performance are more important.

You want people in your team feeling like they are doing their best work, not being hindered by a slacker.

Sorry if that's harsh, we can show empathy and be supportive but it's a fine line.