To stop heavy smoker parents holding baby

[PlumGoose]

Both my parents are heavy smokers - 20+ a day. They are both also so unaware of how it impacts people around them - lighting up right next to you, clothes and houses stinking of cigarettes and never washing hands etc. When they stroke/cuddle my dogs even the dogs fur smells of cigarettes for sometimes hours after, and if the dogs/we go to their house we smell like cigarettes - it’s gross.
AIBU to say they cant hold the baby and we won’t visit their houses?
At best I think I would be OK if they wash hands, change top and wait some time after smoking but they honestly smoke so often I don’t know if they would even be willing to do that.

Not unreasonable at all and I would be doing exactly the same

Just stop going to their house, and if they ask why, tell them.

Thanks both. There are 25% AIBU votes, keen to hear those thoughts or from any smokers, anyone else been in this position?

I can’t stand smoking BUT they are grandparents so I would let them hold the baby. It isn’t going to kill the baby - think of all of the horrific environments over the world that babies quite happily thrive in) and in letting them do so you protect the relationship. But yes, not ideal.

YANBU

YANBU.

They're effectively choosing cigarettes over their grandchild.

I’m a non smoker and hate smoking.

Agree about not sitting inside their house but no reason you can’t walk through to visit in the garden in the summer.

Not allowing them to hold baby in other non smoking settings is very pfb.
Theres no evidence this is harmful and plenty of evidence that walking down the road is more harmful in terms of pollutants and particulate matter.

YANBU and if they smoke in their house or their house smells of smoke I wouldn’t be visiting.

I agree with you at best they would have to not smoke for a couple hours and change clothes then they could hold baby.

YANBU to not want your baby held by heavy smokers or in that environment but I’m assuming ing you do know this will most likely cause a big falling out.

if they’re so unaware it’s partly because no one has pulled them up on it so far. Do you never say anything g when they light up next to you?

i think you’re going to have ti deal with this now. Send them reputable info about passive smoking around babies and then say that unless they are willing to make big changes then you will be keeping baby away.

then wait for either the fallout or action from them.

I’m a smoker, I wouldn’t let someone who smoked that much hold ours as babies without a change of clothes etc and would never take them even now where someone smokes indoors.

I'd get a leaflet or find the website about smoking and babies. It is harmful. Tell them you've been thinking about it and want to find a way they can be around the baby without causing risk.

They might well come up with solutions themselves. If not, you need ground rules. And to be prepared to enforce them. But I wouldn't go in all guns blazing from the outset.

I’m not sure that’s strictly true though. Their hands, clothes and breath smelling of smoke and transferring to the baby is a form of passive smoke
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/fact-sheet-smoking.pdf

Thanks. I have gently approached it a few times and explained when the baby is here going need to think about their smoking and how they could hold the baby etc but they just think it’s all one big joke and I won’t follow through at the moment.

Thanks. I have been pulling them up on it for a long time ie they light up in the doorway of my house and it stinks, I ask them to go to the bottom of the garden. They light up next to me and I say please don’t do that, especially now I’m pregnant. They just shrug it off and move away but then do it again the next time!

I think I’m particularly sensitive as beyond finding it disgusting, smelly and the obvious health issues, I was picked on at school for smelling of smoke and regularly accused of smoking myself as I got older as my clothes smelled so bad just from our home and I would hate for anyone to think that of my child.

I’d be asking them to wash hands and change their tops at the very least. Second hand smoke can contribute to SIDs so I’d be taking no chances

We asked PIL many, many years ago to not smoke, even outside, around DC.
And we wouldn't take DC to their house because of smoke and smell.
They chose to smoke over seeing their DGC and didn't believe smoking caused any harm (seriously).
After around a year they both stopped smoking and started a very rewarding relationship with DGC.
Both died of lung cancer when DGC were teenagers.

That isn’t what the leaflet says. It says smokers shouldn’t cosleep with babies. And babies shouldn’t be in a room where smoking took place.
Kindly, I think your childhood experiences are influencing your feelings about this.

Yanbu. My mum’s house absolutely stinks. My cousin lives next door and says the smell comes through his walls. There’s no way I could stay there. I absolutely wouldn’t take a baby in there. She gave me something to bring home, it stank, straight in the wash.

Ex smoker. I wouldn't want someone who had just smoked to hold my baby. Mine isn't a pfb either but they are so little and I don't want anything transferring from clothing or anything else.

My baby always smells like whoever has been holding them too which is usually fine because it's usually perfume or aftershave, it would not be fine if it was the rancid smoke smell.

I wouldn't let my father hold my baby when he came back from having a ciggie reeking of smoke. He didn't like it but he chose the smokes. My baby's health comes before his feelings of disappointment.

they should of course wash their hands but how could they change their clothes?

They can change their clothes. Chemicals stick to them. If they can't then they can't hold baby who will breathe the chemicals in.

Your baby has been breathing in chemicals since the second it stuck its head into the world. Smokers clothes smell unpleasant but there is no evidence they are dangerous.
Seriously, your parents have been inhaling this shit all their lives and they are still alive, if the chemicals were that dangerous they’d be dead years ago, one whiff will not hurt your baby.
Let them hold their grandchild.

To give an ex smokers opinion:
I (stupidly) resumed smoking the day DD was born and DH never stopped (we have both since switched to vaping). We had large coats we'd use to cover us when we went out for a smoke and washed hands/arms meticulously when we came back in. We stopped anyone smoking in the house the day we found out I was pregnant and we didn't allow anyone to smoke around DD as a baby or take her to smoky environments. Might be precious, I thought it was just good to be cautious 🤷‍♀️ your baby your rules OP.

I wouldn't let them unless they had showered and were wearing clean clothes as per professional advice