To stop heavy smoker parents holding baby

[PlumGoose]

Both my parents are heavy smokers - 20+ a day. They are both also so unaware of how it impacts people around them - lighting up right next to you, clothes and houses stinking of cigarettes and never washing hands etc. When they stroke/cuddle my dogs even the dogs fur smells of cigarettes for sometimes hours after, and if the dogs/we go to their house we smell like cigarettes - it’s gross.
AIBU to say they cant hold the baby and we won’t visit their houses?
At best I think I would be OK if they wash hands, change top and wait some time after smoking but they honestly smoke so often I don’t know if they would even be willing to do that.

It is entirely reasonable to set your boundaries. If they laugh at them then that is their choice and they don’t get to hold the baby. I absolutely wouldn’t go in their house and I think outside with washed hands a clean top is not an unreasonable request. I HATE the smell of smoke and have stayed at my dad’s before even as an adult and woken up stinking of smoke with a sore throat. No chance my baby would be exposed to that

where do the clean clothes come from?
are you going to provide them?

but them an over shirt to put on top of their clothes op

If their smokes are so important to them and they want to hold the baby, they can bring them with them. If they know the parents don't expose their baby to third hand smoke, as per professional advice, and they don't bring spare clothes or abstain for the time they are visiting, then they are choosing the smokes over the baby. It's up to the smoker to set their priorities. Ciggies or baby cuddles. The parents' priority is the baby. Up to the smoker what they value more.

Did you read the whole leaflet? They are influencing my feelings and I’ve been explicit about that, but it clearly says at the end about smoke left in hair and on clothes, and it’s not clear how harmful it is. Thanks for your input.

but if they are bringing their own clothes they will come from a smoky house - no point

I did, my parents always knew how anti smoking I was, my mum came with me for my 12 week scan and quit forever on that day. My dad took longer and it wasn't until I lost it after he handed her back to me smelling of smoke when she was a couple of weeks old despite only ever smoking outside that he decided to quit too, both have stuck it out and it's been 15 years now.

i genuinely cant believe people are STILL smoking in their houses,
i gave up smoking in my house,30 years ago, did not give up smoking until 15 years later

You aren't being unreasonable at all. Even if they aren't at home they will be stinking and covered in it. It must have been horrible growing up around that stink.

I put YABU because I think you should let them hold the baby. Not going in the house - fine. Definitely don't let them smoke in the vicinity.
The major risk is from secondhand smoke i.e. smoke in the house or smoke being breathed out directly.
But the risk from passive smoke on hands and clothes is low, especially if that's the only exposure, and I would accept that for the sake of the relationship with grandparents.

Did they smoke like this when you were a baby op?

Yes they did and all through pregnancies too. My sibling was sadly stillborn and the hospital advised smoking as a factor.
I’n not sure either of them really want to give up so that doesn’t help, I thought the prospect of a relationship with a grandchild would be an incentive but it doesn’t appear so, so I’m sort of in the ‘they’re making a choice’ camp too and will have to deal with the consequences, somehow I still just feel bad?!

This is incorrect. Lung cancer, and the other health conditions associated with smoking, take many years to develop. Just because they are still alive right now does not mean their health isn't impacted. 85% of all lung cancers (the biggest cancer killer worldwide) are caused by smoking.

This is incorrect. It’s not just a bad smell on clothes, it’s thirdhand smoke.

Both my midwife and my health visitor reiterated this to me when we brought our baby home. There is no “safe” level of smoke exposure, and if you’ve just had a cigarette and then come in to hold my baby that smoke is on your clothes and so my child inhales it thirdhand.

It’s a contributing factor to SIDS and frankly I wouldn’t take any risk to increase the chance of that.

At absolute best I’d let them hold the baby if they washed hands and changed clothes but even then I’d not be keen.

Also, a ridiculous argument that “they’ll be inhaling this shit all their lives and are fine, your baby will be”. I’m a fully grown woman, I can have a steak and couple glasses of wine tonight, but my 4 month old daughter would obviously not be fine to do that tonight. You cannot compare “fine” for an adult and fine for a baby😂

I would not be happy to let them hold a baby if they’d been smoking and I wouldn’t dream of going to their house.

Sorry to hear that...my parents were pretty much chain smokers throughout my childhood. I always thought it was no big deal but interestingly whenever I get a respiratory infection it takes me absolutely ages to get better...as a family we recently had a virus, dh and the DC recovered very quickly and I was left coughing for weeks and weeks. I do wonder if passive smoking affected me.

If I was you I wouldn't take the baby round to their house. I would let them hold the baby at yours if they change into a clean top and wash their hands thoroughly. In fact I'd probably buy them each a new top to keep at yours.... As anything from their house will be ingrained with smoke.

I had this with a close relative. I decided on the ‘rules’ and boundaries and explained them. They agreed to them and (pretty much) stuck to them and it was fine. My views on smoking had always been clear so I suspect it didn’t come as much of a surprise.

How old are they OP? I'm 61 and grandparent to teenagers now. I was aware of the risks when they were being born. If they're pretending it's all a joke then they're trying to cover up what they know really.

So many people don't understand 3rd hand smoking, it's not just standing beside someone as they smoke but the toxins in their house, their clothes etc. You're absolutely right to keep your baby safe and if they want to cuddle baby they can change their clothes.

how old are your parents?

i hate smoking, and the smell makes me gag, so I'd definitely be low contact - but do keep it in proportion; presumably they smoked when you were a baby/child & you're still here.

Erm yes there is. The carbon monoxide makes it difficult for baby to breathe and can cause SIDs. Scientific fact.

I don’t think you’re going to be able to reason with people who are so utterly fucked up that even after suffering a stillbirth caused by smoking, they would still prioritise cigarettes. Your childhood sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want much to do with them, and they certainly wouldn’t be holding my baby. Smoking has consequences: stillbirth, cancer, stinking and being isolated from family.

In your circumstances I would do my level best to facilitate my parents seeing and holding my baby and having an ongoing relationship with their grandchildren but on my terms.
I do not allow smoking in my house, which is pretty easy for me because no one who comes here smokes but if a smoker did come they’d be out in the garden rain or shine. Smokers stink! The smell of smoke sticks to you, it’s revolting and I would hate it that my baby didn’t smell ‘right’ after being held by them so I think it completely reasonable to ask them to wash their hands and change tops. Go visit them as often as possible when the weather allows you to be in their garden but ask them not to smoke near you or your children then when it’s not possible for you to be outside insist on them smoking outside, changing clothes, washing hands etc when they come to you.
Sit them down and explain that you love them and want your children to have a relationship with them but this is how it has to be. It’s a really strong addiction, I’m sure they love you and your baby very much. Good luck!

@PortiasBiscuit has clearly never heard of third hand smoke or the dangers of residual build up of chemicals on surfaces that can be harmful.

There are many things in this world we can't really control like air pollution, unless you move more rurally but smoke exposure is something you can avoid. The grandparents have the choice to stop smoking if they want and to us the baby as the motivation