In thinking visiting parents and/ or in laws doesn't count as a holiday?

[Floogal]

Me and DH are in early 40s and have DS aged 9 who has ASD. My DP are in mid 60s and live 4 hours away. MIL is about 2 hours away and is in early 80s with age related ailments. It goes without saying that we see MIL more often than my parents.
The issue is the journeys can be stressful (replacement buses, connecting trains, travel sickness etc) and expensive. My DP seems to be irritated by DS challenging behaviour. MIL means well but she needs some assistance from DH. Other extended family expect to be catered for when visiting (& muggins here has to do the grunt work to get things nice). Also I just feel like a bored spare part and after a few days DS also gets bored and starts acting up. Not forgetting I usually end up having nasty migraines when we stay there.
We haven't had a proper holiday in about 10 years and I really want to relax, actually have some fun, 'make memories ' and reconnect with DH. But because of our hours and annual leave we only get more or less a week together just the three of us. But, as per the question, we end up seeing our families. Also I feel quite envious of friends, family and colleagues talking about their vacations. I want to go away next year!!!!

Yikes. Yes that does suck. My DS has similar issues, but we've never travelled that far.

Don’t, we used to go frequently but after having DC we decided to take more actual family holidays. If people want to visit thats fine but they don’t. We can’t use all our annual leave to visit family, our kids would never do anything fun or interesting if we did that. I grew up only going on “holidays” to my parents home country. It was shit.

Could you not all go away together? Or if mil to frail go with your parents

Of course visiting relatives is not a holiday, especially in your case.
How often do you visit MIL? Why can’t your DH visit her alone during the day.

Yes sitting on the sofa at that distance would annoy me too.

@Floogal it’s clear from you updates that you see both sets of parents plenty, no need at all to not have a holiday unless you were happy not to. Book a holiday, if I was you I’d be booking one for this year and next!

Yes I will. And I'm putting my foot down on this 😃

OP, wouldn’t your DH like a ‘proper’ holiday?

No way would I be having that.
That is no holiday, skivvyjng for MILs visitors.
Send your husband on his own if he wants to spend his holidays with her.
You book something for you and your child.
You are far too passive to be tolerating this.

Yes, mostly. When we go by car either me or DS get sick.

This, and why on earth are you putting up with Other extended family expect to be catered for when visiting (& muggins here has to do the grunt work to get things nice). ?!

My MIL and parents are competitive grandparents and they get jealous when we visit the other set. When I went to my parents for a week during one of the school breaks MIL called it a "proper holiday" to my children and set them up with spending money and presents, obviously outwardly nice but it was a bit OTT and smacked of her envy. Me fulfilling my daughterly obligations in the place I grew up (and hated) is not a bloody "proper" holiday!

Another reason for not going.
I think if your DH goes so often to sort out issues either he’s bad at sorting them or there are too many but in both situations he needs a different approach.
I would expect him to go once a fortnight for a day by car and you just occasionally, unless you and DS absolutely love going but it doesn’t seem the case.
I wonder if your DS is missing out on opportunities as a lot goes into this travel money, time and mental space wise.

Well I went to stay with my mum for two weeks with my kids recently and I thought of it as a holiday. But we were going out to places of interest every day and also, although almost 80, she is very independent and made all our meals every day so it was definitely a holiday for me! If we'd been going there to deal with her care needs and were stuck in her house all the time it would not have been a holiday.

I was expecting this to be one of those where your spouse is a foreigner and he wants to use his annual leave to see his family but you feel like seeing them every year is way too much.

But they live so close that you can easily take a holiday and see the family at an other time. He can use sowm of his annual leave to help out family.whilw you're at work and vice versa. Then have your week long holiday.

Use that week to book a trip for just the 3 of you.

My ILs are in their 60s and make a 7 hour public transport journey to visit us (they come when DH is off work for childcare and I'm working so just chat with them in the evenings) - visits are 3-5 days and used to be twice a year but are now once, in the summer.

My parents are in their 70s and 2.5hours away. They come for the day (weekend) once year. I visit them solo (pub meal) once a year and I take DS to stay with them for a few days 1-2 timee a year.

And I consider us very dutiful with no need to do more.

Pre-lockdowns I did lots of cousin and aunt visits etc but honestly don't think DS was getting much out of it- and like you only have enough leave for 1 weeks family holiday a year and think that is much more important.

Are D H and your MIL both in that mindset of thinking anything she needs doing must be done by 'family'? Has someone looked at any social services help she could be entitled to, or could she or other family members pay to get some jobs done?

I’d book a holiday. And what’s this about when you go you also have to ‘host’ the other family?? There’s no way I’d do that. I’d say to dh I host when I’m in my own comfortable home and I’ve invited people, what do you mean we need to organise dinner for x & y? Call them and say yes we will be up at the same time why don’t we alternate nights for sorting dinner, unless they just want to do their own thing.

Two hours does not a holiday make 😄

Your parents should be making more of an effort to come to you and there's no need to have a "holiday" at MIL in addition to your regular visits. Go on a lovely holiday and if your parents are put out, so be it. Make it known to them that there's a standing invitation for them to visit you.

I sympathize as I live overseas and our family holidays used to be at least partly family visits. My parents (69 and 72) are both retired but "don't really like to travel." We have three kids, a demanding FT job and a business to run. They need to come to us - and your family need to come to you.

I feel your pain. We're the same. I'm in the US and my family in the UK. I have too little vacation to spend it in a shitty Travel Inn on a ring road 😄

If you visit your MIL every few weekends then you don't need to visit her in your holiday time as well.

Why don't you visit your parents once a year and they visit you once a year.

Book yourself a lovely holiday just the three of you for the rest of the time.

Pretty much, yes

Thankfully my DP are a lot more independent than MIL. Also 2 of my siblings live close by. DH is MIL only child. But yes, she prefers using family.

Love it. So blunt and straight to the point. 🤣

Oh no. Visiting the in-laws was awful. Terrible food, no privacy, no sleep, just sitting on the sofa doing nothing/going nowhere.
I was constantly told what a lovely holiday I was having visiting them and they didn’t understand why I went abroad all the time. I carried on going abroad.
Once we were in discussion about moving to America for a few years and one of my main dreads was we would spend holiday time just doing visits and no actual holidays.