AIBU re DH

[Highnone]

having had a really difficult few weeks at work DH and I had a heart to heart and he agreed that he needed to pull his weight a bit more.
was promised a lovely evening tonight, my favourite drink ready and a nice dinner.
he has form for not listening to what I actually want and getting food etc that I don’t really like.
I explained clearly what I wanted (vodka, soda and lime)
home after work, he has bought lime and mint cordial and tonic water. I pointed out that this wasn’t what I wanted.
Big sigh, him pissed off and says I’m ungrateful. Big argument followed with me saying I’m sick of not being listened too
He has decided to go out and watch the kids play sport and left me to it. (This wasn’t the plan)
Amongst my sheer frustration I told him if he goes out I won’t be here when he gets back, said I was sick of it all.
I want to follow through on this but am
mindful I am ranging and full of emotion at the moment.

Is it only with you he doesn't make an effort or is he like that with the dc as well? How is he with the housework?

I'm just thinking that if a woman came and said 'I do most of the kids' stuff, I work and I do stuff around the house and dh has just had left the house in a strop because I didn't get him the right drink ready when he came back from work' the reactions would have been very different. If they then went on to say 'He says need everything to be just so because he has a stressful job' there would be many sarky comments about his BIJ and how he should get over himself...

Thanks all.
I came home in the end and went straight to bed. He slept downstairs
my daughter has an appointment this morning, he has got up and taken her - we had another argument. He asked me to confirm the postcode, I offered to take her and he snapped at me again.
He will see this at a surface level, that I’ve had a strop over a drink, as some posters here have also suggested.
But like others, it goes deeper than that. Do I ever really feel like he has put me at the centre of anything? Not really. But he is somewhat dismissive of me saying something like that, he doesn’t really listen to me.
We have been married 16 years. On one hand, he is by best friend, we get on and often have a very good laugh together. But on this deeper level, I just feel so alone.

How would it feel to have a job that didn't bring you to burnout? And what would the consequences of that be?

So less expensive house and life? What else? And is that a better option?

Maybe that's the conversation you need to have if he's not got it in him to help you stave off burnout.

We have looked at this week, he did a break down of our finances based on me earning less or taking time out.
It’s not affordable at all
I don’t want to uproot the kids from their home. I have worked so hard for them to have a lovely home.
All I want is my husband to listen and put me first, make me feel special and adored at times.
why is that so hard for him? Why would us moving house be an option rather than him just behave in a way that a loving husband would do.

This reminds me of a story a guy told me years ago that his dad asked a mate who was going to the shop to get him 20 Lambert and Butler. He said "if they haven't got that just get me anything".

His mate came back with a meat pie.

Victoria Wood.

Not really, as I said he could genuinely be trying, yet making a mistake, or get as something close as possible if they didn’t have what she wanted. I even made the distinction of whether what he bought is something she didn’t like (e.g. tonic water) and if so, did he know this. As there’s a difference between purposely going out and getting something she didn’t want or doesn’t like, and going out with good intentions and getting it wrong. Because to chastise someone for the latter is pretty shitty and ungrateful.

It would be a bit odd to make the effort to do something nice yet purposefully try to upset someone in the process. Hence needing way more context than we have. I know my OH wouldn’t do something like that on purpose, but he’s made mistakes before. I’m so not horrible and selfish that I’d make him feel bad for that like you would. OP says there’s no back story here, so can only assume her DH isn’t out there trying to hurt her.

Don’t go around putting words in people’s mouths.

He will see this at a surface level, that I’ve had a strop over a drink, as some posters here have also suggested.
But like others, it goes deeper than that. Do I ever really feel like he has put me at the centre of anything? Not really. But he is somewhat dismissive of me saying something like that, he doesn’t really listen to me.

Time for a serious talk. Because you have had a strip
over a minor issue - but that is because it is representative of a major issue. Tell him - explicitly - what that is and how that feels for you. If things don’t change after that, then you will know you’ve given him every chance.

He Is demonstrating that he really doesn’t give a shit about what the OP wants. He didn’t bother to listen. He didn’t ever bother to commit her favourite drink to his memory because in his mind, it isn’t important. And when that mindset runs deep in a relationship, it is demonstrated over and over again in a million different ways and it is utterly depressing for the person on the receiving end of it.

Posters need to realise this is a small snapshot of a huge picture, otherwise they’re just recreating the H’s role in this relationship and dismissing her all over again.

I think the fact that the OP is the breadwinner by a country mile, and whose work and efforts afford them all their lifestyle, really just is the icing on the shite cake of the H’s behaviour.

We have a very small snapshot of a one sided story. If you want to leap to these conclusions that he must be an awful person who can’t be bothered, that’s up to you.

I have a wider range of thinking than that, and have suggested a possible situation where he did try and intentions were good.

Neither can be proved or disproved. We’re entitled to have different opinions.

Did this include the option of him trying to earn more, going for promotion, a new higher paid job, or a second job? Or nothing changing for him and it all being on you?

Is there anything you can juggle at work to make life easier? Some companies are more flexible. If you are lucky enough to work for one, could you do a 9 day fortnight? The reduced tax/NI would partially offset the loss of earnings.
Those days could be just for you. Not for housework, grocery shopping or appointments. Just for you to have some space. Relax, breathe, and be you again.

It really does sound like you are at breaking point. I hope you find a solution that makes life easier.

That is incredibly picky. Sounds like he made an effort and you threw it in his face. As someone who doesn't drink fizzy water I don't even know the difference between tonic and soda water, maybe same for your DH and I really couldn't be getting wound up about a bit of mint in with the lime I requested.
I'm sure this is more of an ongoing thing but why speak with him and ask him to make an effort if you're going to blow up when he does.

I'm assuming he has a phone? So he could of googled the drink and its ingredients he also could write up a note in his phone of all the things you like op. That takes minimal effort and I imagine he is fully capable of simple instructions and effort in other parts of his life like job/friends/hobbies. Does he disrespect all the women in his life? How does he treat his mother?

If he behaved this way repeatedly in his job, eventually he'd be let go.

Thing is , if he is thick as op describes, then she can explain all she likes, he won't understand. If you want to stay together, adjust your expectations

Presumably you can read and write since here you are, posting on Mumsnet. So you'd be capable of reading a label that says soda water and a label that says tonic water and grasping that they are, in fact, different things. Much like strawberry jam, raspberry jam and blackcurrant jam are all different, even though fundamentally they are all jam.

If this was a one off, the OP would be overreacting. It clearly ISN'T a one-off, it's part of a pattern of disrespect, so she is dead right to lose her shit.

I explained clearly what I wanted (vodka, soda and lime)
home after work, he has bought lime and mint cordial and tonic water.

So did you already have vodka at home?

He bought tonic instead of soda & lime & mint instead of just lime cordial?

Now I don't know where you live Op but none of that would be hard to source here.

Don’t go around putting words in people’s mouths.
Nope. You just couldn't be bothered to read and/or understand. Which is the same as her H.

HE asked her want she wanted.
SHE clearly and precisely said what she wanted.
HE got something totally different then got upset when she said no thanks.

Why did that happen? Because he actually doesn't care enough. That's all it is. Not enough. What the OP does with that information is down to her but there's really only three choices.

Accept that this is it (and it will slowly break her).
Couple counselling (which he will ignore after a couple of weeks due to him not really caring enough).
Or she thinks long term. Divorce, or living together but having a separate life.

Again OP, download that free pdf. It explains more clearly why he does that.

How absurd.

Vodka and tonic is not some exotic drink that's easy to confuse.

OP, he's a low earner who doesn't give a shit about you needs. What does he bring to your life? Do you want to be stuck burning yourself out to support him for years to come??

He sounds useless.

He doesn't get to strop & sulk.
He needs to support you whilst you are providing the biggest part of his home comforts.
^Remind him if he doesn't care, or want to up his game & fulfill a simple agreement, then you feel like he isnt bringing what you need to the relationship.
That can be rectified^

20 years ago I was you. Whilst on paper our marriage was fine my DH lacked the emotional intelligence to meet my needs. I was lonely but not alone. Ultimately I decided that he loved me as much as he was capable of but for me it wasn't enough. We divorced and I'm happily remarried to a man who "gets me".

Tbf my family have always called tonic water soda water so I would have got probably got tonic water as well.

However that's not really the point is it, it's much more than that.

Hi, didn't say it was acceptable, just deserves another chance. I wouldn't be considering separation at this point. No abuse involoved

Is he just thick? In which case it can't be helped, but I'm not surprised it has pissed you off. Maybe sit down and explain it and see what he says.

You clearly asked for alcoholic ingredients so it’s really lazy of him to just sub this with cordial. I’d suspect him of hearing you perfectly well but just choosing to buy the cheapest and easiest substitutes next to each other on the shelves to save himself the hassle of buying you vodka.

😄