AIBU re DH

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having had a really difficult few weeks at work DH and I had a heart to heart and he agreed that he needed to pull his weight a bit more.
was promised a lovely evening tonight, my favourite drink ready and a nice dinner.
he has form for not listening to what I actually want and getting food etc that I don’t really like.
I explained clearly what I wanted (vodka, soda and lime)
home after work, he has bought lime and mint cordial and tonic water. I pointed out that this wasn’t what I wanted.
Big sigh, him pissed off and says I’m ungrateful. Big argument followed with me saying I’m sick of not being listened too
He has decided to go out and watch the kids play sport and left me to it. (This wasn’t the plan)
Amongst my sheer frustration I told him if he goes out I won’t be here when he gets back, said I was sick of it all.
I want to follow through on this but am
mindful I am ranging and full of emotion at the moment.

I personally think that to say you won't be at home when he gets back because he chose the wrong drinks is OTT. He did make an effort and has said sorry.
Perhaps if your week at work hadn't been so stressful, you might have reacted differently? You have had a heart to heart and he agreed he has to pull his weight more. I would say, give him a chance.
PS, I do appreciate your frustrations

YABU purely for making that ultimatum. If you’re right and there is so huge back story then the “if you leave I won’t be here when you return” is way over the top and unhealthy for any relationship. Made even worse by the fact you’re now going to go back anyway, so not only was it wrong to threaten it but it’s now pointless and makes you look silly.

I appreciate it’s a tough time but if he’s gone and brought home the things for a nice drink, albeit not exactly what you asked for if he’s gotten mixed up, it’s way dramatic to threaten to leave over it- that is unreasonable.

I’ve definitely done this before and so has my husband to me, tried to get it right and accidentally got it wrong, I couldn’t imagine this being “flounce out” worthy unless there’s a huge backstory which you say there isn’t. What would be relationship ending for me though is the “if you’re going I won’t be here when you get back”, if my husband said that to me I’d pack his bags for him and change the lock behind him.

I would love to ask your husband is it really so fucking hard to do what you've asked? You aren't asking for much, for fuck's sake. We all want to feel listened to and valued in our relationships. I think he just really doesn't give a fuck.

Go have the vodka you want, leave the car, have some space, calm down …and head home.

Then have a discussion about how unappreciated you feel xx

I think I’d go home. I know you’re frustrated and angry but I wouldn’t want my 13 yo to be worrying about me. Go home and give your baby a hug.

Go to the pub. Have a few drinks and a burger/whatever you fancy, text your daughter, and go home when you feel ready 🪻

Go and get what you actually wanted and go home x

I get you op. It’s a death by a thousand cuts situation. So many of these happen in my relationship and I just felt unseen and unappreciated. Didn’t matter what I spelled out, it was always just not quite that. And of course, I was ungrateful for his half done efforts, because any effort at all should be lauded (because men just don’t think about these things do they 🙄).

Take a deep breath, it may have been an overreaction of an ultimatum but it was done from pure frustration of ‘just listen to me for once, properly and truly’. Hopefully this is a wake up call for him and he’ll actually listen in future.

Thank you. I’m genuinely so appreciative of posters taking the time to respond.

Just read my own post back and I want to clarify, men can absolutely think about these things. They choose to hide behind stereotypes and it’s long got boring as an excuse.

This drives me mad as my DP does this too and then gets angry and tells me to be grateful he went to the shop. I think you need to decide how important this is to you. For me personally it isn't worth blowing up over but it does show a lack of regard for things I want. If there was other selfish or weaponised incompetence it might be different.

I agree. DH holds down a job, coaches our DS’s football team and manages to arrange to see his friends, watch football - all with no problems. He can pay attention to the things that appear important to him.

Please call a mate and go for a drink if nothing else.
Tell your daughter you made last minute plans and you'll see her in the morning.

It’s not that he is completely selfish, it’s just more that I often feel unseen.
its like he cannot see or hear what I need. The frustration for me is that I need these things because I am burnout from the job I am doing which is giving us a great home etc.

This! Others are looking at this as a one off situation and down to the stress at work, rather than seeing this as a chronic stressor that has worn you down

Do this x

Well you said that you wouldn't be there when he got back & you weren't!

Had he cooked a nice meal?

I'm quite clueless about drinks so might have got the wrong stuff rather than get nothing iyswim.

I mean I could see me getting a lime for example.

But if you generally have it in he should have known what to get.

I get it OP. It's like you can only eat dark chocolate so he buys you white chocolate and when you refuse it (because you can't eat it) he gets angry and says "but I bought you chocolate, I thought all women appreciate their men buying them chocolates, except you of course".

You end up confused and thinking you have over reacted but actually he KNEW you only ate dark so why did he buy white?? I highly recommend you download a free pdf file by Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that? It's eye opening and thought provoking.

Can you afford a nice bar for your vodka, lime and soda drink, and a nice dinner somewhere by yourself?

Do it. Then come back after a leisurely evening.

Incidentally, did he prepare the meal? Or at least get the ingredients in? Would you give him the chance to try again tomorrow night?

Tonic water and cordial is a really, really cheap alcohol free approximation of vodka, soda and lime. As though he decided it wasn't worth spending the money on what was actually wanted.

I can see why you're so angry - it's not as though he'd thought 'something, something fizzy - lime', he deliberately decided what would do (and was cheaper).

I take it the nice dinner didn’t materialise either?

It’s all just half arsed effort isn’t it, just enough to be able to say “I tried” but really he doesn’t give a fuck.

Posting this because nobody else has yet. Sometimes it’s the small things which are really destructive to a relationship, OP.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

In your shoes I would stay in a hotel or somewhere overnight, message your daughter so she knows you’re coming back the next day. Have a glass of wine or a vodka lime and soda or whatever you fancy, and a nice meal (or picnic stuff in your room if you have a supermarket nearby) and just generally enjoy your evening. Watch some shite on TV or download a book. All that self care stuff.

Then go home tomorrow and have a calm but firm conversation with your husband about what respect and mutual care looks like to you.

I can guarantee there are no ingredients at home for a ‘nice dinner’ even if he hadn’t have stomped off.

No that's a massive must do better.

It's so disrespectful when you've been clear what you want to ignore it.

Yes it's symptomatic of exactly that article.

It's a clear sign of lack of respect and care.