To want fertility MOT

[theurbanpigeon]

I've just turned 30 and recently got married (DH is 29). We want kids but in 3-4 years - DH in particular adamant about this. I am fine with this and happy with our current lifestyle, but feeling a lot of anxiety relating to having potential issues if we wait further down the line.

I've been saying maybe we should go get fertility tested now; that way we know if there are any issues / we need to try sooner, or if I can relax about waiting til I'm 33/34. Obviously though we'd have to do this privately and it would cost about £700. DH thinks this is a waste of time money.

AIBU to think it's worth it for the peace of mind? For context I've never had any reason to think I might have problems (regular periods etc) but then aware that often things can be undetected til you start trying. Feeling very stressed about this!

TIA x

You could just get an AMH blood test. This will give you an idea of ovarian reserve. Would be cheaper than a full MOT.

You can, but things can change quickly. Being all good now is no guarantee that you’ll still be fine in 4 years. Equally you could both be perfectly healthy and it still take 2 years of trying to conceive.

I think this is £350 for both of you at London Women's Clinic. Not sure who is charging £700!

I’d be more inclined to MOT the marriage. It sounds like you’re not quite on the same page. If it was up to you, would you TTC now? If so, I think four years is a very long time to wait.

What is the reason for waiting 4 years? Is there a clear goal like buying a house or is it just "I don't feel ready". If the latter, how do you both know he will be ready on 4 years?

I feel it's a waste of money as many couple are fertile fine but still take a long time to conceive. Until you start trying you just don't know and even with fertility problems you can still conceive so wouldn't knowing something now just stress you out more? For example I have endometriosis. If managed to conceive fairly quickly twice so if I'd known about the endo could it have worried me? But it turned out to not be a problem.

Anything could change between now and 4 years so I wouldn’t bother. Tbh I think this is a big potential incompatibility, if you’re stressing about tests you’re not actually happy to wait so long.

Fwiw we decided to ttc not long after we got married and it took 3 years of miscarriages and a lot of trial and error to get one to stick. We’re very fertile, I conceived easily and repeatedly, that wasn’t the issue.

I would say from experience it makes sense to plan to complete your family by age 35. So if you want two kids, plan to have one at 32 and one at 34 say. Often these things don't go to plan and you'll need a spare year or two or three. It can take time to conceive, miscarriages are normal, job changes might mean you need to wait to qualify for leave etc. If you have aimed for 35, hopefully you'll have a small buffer in there for if things don't go to plan.

It's a waste of money. Fertility is not understood that well.

You could get told you're totally fine, great reserve etc and still take ages to conceive. It will give you a false sense of security. I have a friend who conceived her first at 30, with zero issues. She's been trying for her second for 3 years, nothing is wrong with her or her DH.

I was aware I have adenomyosis and endo and my egg reserve wasn't great. I got pregnant within 1 month of trying at the age of 34! With a healthy baby, no issues. So you never know.

@IvyIvyIvy I agree. It wasn't possible for me as I hadn't met DH in time so having my first at 35. I want a second but you need to wait at least 12 months to start trying (especially after a c section) factor in job moves, health issues (pregnancy is HARD and I need time to recover and somehow psych myself into completely destroying my body and my sanity all over again) etc. Give me 5 newborns, no problem, but fml pregnancy is shite.

You need to do the maths, timewise, maternity leave provisions etc and sit down DH and present him with the facts. Men don't think about all that, it really doesn't affect them so you need to spell it out. If he's a good one, he'll likely come round.

I don't think it's worth it. A fertility MOT doesn't mean much in reality. It can all be fine in theory, but not in practice.

This is good advice

I would say from experience it makes sense to plan to complete your family by age 35. So if you want two kids, plan to have one at 32 and one at 34 say. Often these things don't go to plan and you'll need a spare year or two or three.

I don't think the medical science is advanced enough to make a fertility MOT worthwhile. They only tell you what your fertility is like now, they're not reliably predictive.

I would say from experience it makes sense to plan to complete your family by age 35. So if you want two kids, plan to have one at 32 and one at 34 say. Often these things don't go to plan and you'll need a spare year or two or three. It can take time to conceive, miscarriages are normal, job changes might mean you need to wait to qualify for leave etc. If you have aimed for 35, hopefully you'll have a small buffer in there for if things don't go to plan.

This is very sensible.too many women are trying to leave it as late as possible. Sure you might end with one child (or you might not)... but you risk:

• years of stress trying to beat the odds to conceive
• huge costs for ivf & other infertility treatment
• higher odds of complicated pregnancy/ill health
• higher risks of birth trauma & slower recovery from birth
• miscarriage and stillbirth
• higher odds of genetic problems with the baby

Honestly. If you can afford it & are happily married, I just would not delay having children for "lifestyle" reasons like not being "ready". You are never really ready. If you aren't ready as a grown adult at 30 what is really going to change that?

You need to do the maths, timewise, maternity leave provisions etc and sit down DH and present him with the facts. Men don't think about all that, it really doesn't affect them so you need to spell it out.

This. In my antenatal group of 8 couples, the one couple in their 20s were the only ones to not suffer miscarriages. The rest of us all mid thirties - one woman never managed a second child, second woman paid thousands for ivf for second and it took 6 years, the other 5 women had 9 miscarriages between them over 4 years. Miscarriage becomes increasingly common in your thirties and can really take its toll on you.

Thanks all for the responses. What makes you say 35 @IvyIvyIvy ?

I guess to be clear I also don’t want a baby yet (and we would definitely need to move house etc first), but I would like one at some point. So I am on the same page as DH re timing, just with the added anxiety that is making me doubtful.

But it sounds like as you are all saying these tests don’t necessarily mean that much so it's either put anxiety to one side and try now or wait and see and take the risk that things don’t work out further down the line.

I also have a copper coil and feel slightly neurotic that it's damaging me internally somehow - maybe I should just get it taken out? ! 🙈 though again no issues with it really.

If you’re on the same page re timing I’d just relax about it tbh.

Personally though I’d come off any kind of long-acting contraception as soon as I knew I wanted a baby in the future, and switch to just using barrier contraception until you’re TTC. It took my body ages to adjust to coming off it and tbh it’s just so much nicer not being on it. Plus I find having ‘normal’ periods and hormonal symptoms etc makes it easier for me to understand my cycle and so on for when you are TTC.

Tbh I would do it particularly AMH. If it is low now you can bring plans forward. I had 3 years of infertility struggles after accidental finding out issues. I told dp when my problem was identified and we started trying earlier than planned.

I've said this so many times on here but here goes... I didn't meet my husband till I was 32. We started trying a year later. We had completely unexplained infertility- nothing would have shown up on an MOT. We needed IVF and managed to have our first child when I was nearly 37. Please don't presume you can put it off till you're ready then get pregnant whenever you feel like it. It might not go to plan. Best of luck.

Every month your egg quality and his sperm quality decrease.

Waiting years risks you never having DCs.

(He can always dump the infertile you and shack up with a fertile 25yo when he's 40.)

I wouldnt wait for any man.

I say 35 because general medical opinion is that after that age you are considered geriatric so more likely to experience pregnancy complications. Also fertility starts to decline rapidly at this age (although this is an average and some will see the effects earlier or later) meaning more cycles to try to conceive and higher likelihood of miscarriage. If you aim to complete by 35 you are far more likely to get what you want for your family structure than if you try after that age. It's all statistics though and every individual is different.

@theurbanpigeon if your not ready don’t rush. There’s loads of reasons why now might not be the right time. I have done lots of reading as at 36 with relationship issues and no kids…I’m currently of the if it happens it happens and have never been super broodie. A lot of the over 35 is old data and it doesn’t fall off a cliff. Obviously the younger you are the better the chances within in a year for a 30 year old it’s around 75% and 35 year old 66% according to tommys

@autumn1610 while I agree to an extent , the issue is if you want more than one as delaying means the choice gets taken out of your hands. I only met DH in my 30s and having the first one at 35 makes a second trickier, and a third one almost impossible (unless you have super smooth pregnancies, and no financial, career or health constraints which in your late 30s is unlikely). If she's in a stable loving marriage and she knows she wants a family, then waiting just limits her options down the road.

I think it's well worth it to rule out any issues that you can do something about before ttc. This includes: poor sperm count or motility, and for you: blocked tube, cysts, endo, thyroid levels, amh, fsh and more.

It won't guarantee anything but would give some peace of mind.

I would get one done for peace of mind but then if your husband doesn’t get his done then that is only half the story. You can get tests done on hertility but AMH could fluctuate so it is worth getting the full mot. I started TTC at 29 and had my first at 33 I had to have an operation to conceive. I then TTC number 2 when my first was a year and got pregnant straight away and when I was 34. However I went on to have recurring miscarriages and needed medication to sustain a pregnancy so I ended up having my second at nearly 37. I would have started TTC earlier so I could have received the help earlier. Good luck @theurbanpigeon

@SoHotandPregnant87 absolutely if you want multiple then that does change timings. It’s more to highlight that your fertility doesn’t just nosedive at 35 as everyone seems to make out