My partner isn't helping out enough

[Coz97]

So I've been with my partner for 7 years now and we have a 6 month old together. I know he loves us both. He tells me every day. And there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't hug and kiss me. However, since having a baby, it's put some strain on our relationship because I feel like he doesn't do his fair share. When I confront him about this, he says that he feels like he is helping out and he claims he's given up a lot. Hmm not sure about that. He usually plays tennis for a few hours a week and he enjoys playing computer games too. Yes, he works 50 hours a week but that's not an excuse not to be more helpful with our baby. He doesn't play with her much because he says she gets bored easily (she does, but a few minutes here and there doesn't hurt), he passes her to me when she cries quite often, I have to tell him to do things and even then sometimes he sighs or complains that he was about to do something else. He expects far too much from me. I'll be starting work in September for 15 hours a week and he will look after he for 3 hours a day when I'm working, so he will be forced to spend more time with her. Anyway, I'm worried our relationship won't survive if he doesn't start helping out more and spending more quality time with both of us. But my attempts to get him to listen fall on deaf ears. Not sure what else to try...

Tell him this.

Is this relationship with a gaming man child worth saving?

1. it's not "helping out". That's the first problem. He's thinking about how much he feels he's given up. Not looking at what there is to do and 24 hours in the day and how to make sure the load is shared fairly.
2. Anyway, I'm worried our relationship won't survive if he doesn't start have you spelled this out to him?

Every hour he spends gaming is an hour that he is relying on you to look after the child you had together

Does your baby take a bottle?
You need to start doing some hobbies.

Part of the problem here is that you and he see him being a parent as “helping you”, as if taking care of his daughter is a favour he can chose to give you or not.

He is a parent. I’m not naive, it can take time in the early days of parenthood to find a balance between parents, especially while one is working and the other is still on maternity leave. When my husband is home we parent 50/50 and I believe that’s how it should be. If I’m cooking dinner, he’s playing with the kids, if I’m reading bedtime stories he’s tidying up. When my babies were small they were easier to comfort in my arms and often wanted me when they were upset but this only gets better with time and effort from your husband. He can bathe her, wear her in a sling, take her for a walk in her pram.

We don’t count minutes but we have fairly even free time each. When my babies were small and I didn’t really want to go out without him this might mean an extra long soak in the bath or an hour upstairs reading/watching Netflix alone.

Remember, while he’s working, you are too, looking after your baby. He needs to remove the idea from his head that because he works you take responsibility for the baby all the time. You need to spell this out for him now since he hasn’t got that worked out for himself. Be firm and tell him you refuse to parent with a partner who doesn’t see you both as equal parents!

Does your baby take a bottle?
You need to start doing some hobbies

I agree with most of what you’ve said but this is also problematic, I feel. Dad’s who don’t play their part, when pulled up on their lack of time and effort, will say, “You can go out then”, “ok, fine, I’ll look after the baby while you go swimming/gym”, “I will look after the baby while you’re not here”. That’s not what the OP wants, she wants a partner that is sharing the responsibility of parenting with her.

I see similar advice given often, I didn’t want to go out much when my baby was the same age as OPs (I’m not saying that mothers that do are wrong it was just my preference), and it shouldn’t be that mums are advised to spend time away from their babies as a way to make their partners do more. If OPs baby is breastfed and doesn’t take bottles, I wouldn’t encourage her to change how she feeds her baby as a way to get the Dad to do more. It’s not necessary and further plays into the assumption that Dads can’t do anything to look after a breastfed baby and have to leave it all to Mum, which isn’t true at all.

People are conveniently ignoring that he works 50 hours a week.

But yes on his days off and when he's at home in the evenings he should be co-parenting.

But I wouldn't expect a man who does long shifts to do night feeds etc when I'm on maternity leave.

You both need to change your mindsets that looking after a baby is "work" or "chores" akin to laundry or cleaning the toilets and see it as something you both do when you're at home as part of a team.

And no he doesn't "help out". Helping out is what au pairs do or friends/family. Your DH needs to co-parent.

Do you like reading? Why Women Talk and Men Walk is a good book witten by a male-female team of family therapists to illuminate what makes both sexes tick.

No one’s ignored that he’s working. He should still be parenting.

I was also going to pick up on the 'helping out' terminology. This is a fundamental point. Co-parenting and running a household, together, is how it should be seen. My dh once said he'd done the hoovering for me, and I reminded him that he did it for the household since we all live here. Language is important as it underpins a whole philosophy, so don't let that slide.

I did roll my eyes a bit at gaming, but if it's what he does to relax (a 50 hour working week is a lot) then so be it - maybe speak to him about limiting it so he can take a more active role in parenting and running the household. Reset the balance with him and be honest about how you feel, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

If he is looking after her 3 hours a day from September it will likely sort itself out as he will have to get used to her. Also alot of men find childcare easier as babies get older

Men find childcare easier as babies get older? But women don’t get to opt of parenting when their children are at ages they find difficult, do they?

It's not 'helping'.

She's half his responsibility too.

You need to start going out the house and leaving him to it.

Add up how much leisure/free time you each have and show him the numbers.

@Bumpingaround I don't disagree with you on that score. Does he take a bottle and you need some hobbies are 2 separate points.
My baby is EBF but his dad still takes him so I can have some time to do stuff for me AND so he has bonding 1:1 time and learns to care for and soothe the baby.
But I am restricted to 3.5 hours because he won't take a bottle and I wish I had been more regular with a bottle so that I could have a bit more freedom (and sleep!)

I think this is hard for us to judge as you haven't really given any info as to what you do and what he does. The only thing I really see wrong at this point is gaming shouldn't be a priority over a family. Tennis for a few hours a week, yeah why not. It's like going to the gym.

Have you left him with the baby? Ie. Remove you as an option to pass her back to.

is it just baby interaction or is it housework and chores that are left to you too?

He’s not ‘helping out’. This is his baby. Outside of work hours, he should be doing the majority of the daytime care, even assuming you cover night wakings on nights when he has work the next day. If him actually doing half of the childcare is going to end your marriage, is it worth saving?

You need to start leaving baby alone with him and build up to the 3 hours, otherwise he won’t be confident/able enough to look after baby once you go back to work.

Lose the phrase 'helping out', that's not what either of you should be aiming for. You should be aiming for him doing 50% of the childcare when he isn't at work.

If he isn't doing that ask him why.

He should still be able to play tennis and game, but he needs to give you the same amount of time to pursue your hobbies.

it's not "helping", and you both need to reframe your thinking. What are you doing in terms of getting out and leaving baby with him? If he hands baby back to you, you need to refuse - taking her back is the worst thing you can do, he needs to sort it out himself. And if you're not married, you need to be working as close to full time as you can, you cannot rely on him financially. If the relationship ends you have zero protection.

My DH works too in a highly paid (and skilled job) and gives one bottle to the baby at night so I can sleep and be okay during the day. Working doesn't exclude parenting.

I would be so careful going part time if you aren’t married-you really need more financial security. Do you own a house together-in joint names?

Yep, ditch the “helping” mindset. Parenting is a joint thing, he doesn’t get to opt out of his share.

Did he want a baby? Did he not expect that by having one his life might have to change a bit?

Nope, house is in his name. Going full time isn't really an option because I wouldn't be able to get childcare for the rest of those hours. Plus, I don't want to be apart from my baby for 40 hours a week, not right now