My partner isn't helping out enough

[Coz97]

So I've been with my partner for 7 years now and we have a 6 month old together. I know he loves us both. He tells me every day. And there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't hug and kiss me. However, since having a baby, it's put some strain on our relationship because I feel like he doesn't do his fair share. When I confront him about this, he says that he feels like he is helping out and he claims he's given up a lot. Hmm not sure about that. He usually plays tennis for a few hours a week and he enjoys playing computer games too. Yes, he works 50 hours a week but that's not an excuse not to be more helpful with our baby. He doesn't play with her much because he says she gets bored easily (she does, but a few minutes here and there doesn't hurt), he passes her to me when she cries quite often, I have to tell him to do things and even then sometimes he sighs or complains that he was about to do something else. He expects far too much from me. I'll be starting work in September for 15 hours a week and he will look after he for 3 hours a day when I'm working, so he will be forced to spend more time with her. Anyway, I'm worried our relationship won't survive if he doesn't start helping out more and spending more quality time with both of us. But my attempts to get him to listen fall on deaf ears. Not sure what else to try...

I'll be having a sit down talk with him later. I've already told him he's looking after the baby for at least a couple of hours later while I catch up on things and he's agreed. But I agree I need time for hobbies too!

Yes! He really wanted a baby

This was very helpful, thank you! I'm going to explain it like this to him later. That we need to be more 50/50, when one does the chores, the other one looks after baby etc.

Reframe this while conversation.

He is not helping. He is a parent the same as you and he doesn't get to help you. He gets to take responsibility. Helping just frames all of this as your job, it isn't (even if you are a stay at home parent).

I definitely used the wrong terminology here. But yes, I'm fine with him having some hobbies as I think we all need time for hobbies, but I think be takes the mick. I'll be talking to him about this later.

Oh I completely agree. I will start leaving him to it!

Go out and leave him with his baby regularly. He doesn't get how little he does so he needs to learn the hard way.

Set your stall out now OP- my H was actually quite good at taking a baby and toddler out and about - but mainly to give me time to do 100% of housework. Now at 60 he does long hours with work but does absolutely zero about the house- and if I mention it ever he gets really huffy

Be very careful-you have left yourself finically vulnerable both with your job, your housing and your pension.

I would be looking at getting married asap if you are going part time to look after your joint child.

We're engaged but with how things have been recently I haven't wanted to jump the gun and get married just yet

but you had a baby with him? That's a bigger commitment than marriage, and you need to protect your future. The way things are he could kick you out tomorrow with nothing, no home, no money, only 15 hours a week to fund it.

Exactly! You are more than happy to tie yourself to someone by having a baby and becoming completely financially dependent on them, but not happy to get married to give yourself the tiniest bit of protection in case he decides to split up with you?! I find this bizarre.

Does it not bother you that you will be working part time so that he can stay full time and build up his own pension and pay for his house, neither of which you will have any claim to whatsoever?!

Totally agree @Bumpingaround. My baby being EBF didn't stop my DH taking an equal role. Granted I obviously did more of the night wake ups. But he did more of the nappies, pre feed bedtime routine, bath every night, etc.

I think you need to sit down and work out what exactly you want your partner to be doing in 'helping out'
Looking after his child is not helping out it is parenting so you need to change that phrasing I think.
Do you expect him to cook/clean/life admin/ child activities etc?

There will be differences between what each of you do esp if you work 15 hours and he works 50.

I work less hours than my DH (although not a lot less). I do school runs because of my hours, we split activities for our eldest 50/50 and we take a child each at the weekend to activities (50/50 again). Cleaning/cooking/life admin comes down to me mainly because I am physically in the house more and have the time to do the shopping etc.
Hobbies - we split our 'free' days between us 50/50 - I do early morning gym sessions on my days, he does evening gym classes on his days. (2 days each a week)
To be fair, I did everything when I was on maternity leave though bar one bottle at like 10pm at night which DH did so I could get some sleep. When I went back to work we had a big sit down, worked out what needed doing and who was going to do it. We were both on the same page then when I went back to work. My DH freely admits it actually helped him understand what needs doing etc and stopped any arguing (well most of the arguing )

You either work full time or get married.

If you don't messes like this happen.

The plan was always to get married. I'm just saying that due to recent events I was a little bit ok the fence because if he didn't step up, I'm not sure I'd want to continue the relationship. I'm not even sure we can afford to get married at the moment unless we have a very simple registry office wedding and nothing else (which I'm not opposed to, but I know my partner is happy to wait a few more years). I can't force him to marry me faster anyway. So unfortunately my hands are tied..

It's really not that simple though. If neither one is an option, what then?

I get that, but he wouldn't, not in a million years. And besides, he doesn't want to get married right now due to finances and he wants our baby to be a little bit older first. What then?

I’m sorry OP but I agree with other posters that you’re putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position not working full time when not married, and when the house is his.

I understand not wanting to be away from your baby 40 hours a week, nobody WANTS to be, but if your relationship breaks down then you’re going to find yourself with no home, no rights to any of the house you live in now, no access to his pension/savings, and only a part time income to try and fund 100% of yours and your child’s life with only a CMS contribution from him.

Worse case scenario, would I not be entitled to any kind of benefits? I'm obviously going to work hard on my relationship and try to come to a healthy arrangement.

A) If he “works 50 hours a week” then you do too, literally, as you are caring fir your joint child for the same 50 hours.

B) Marriage protects you and your child as it gives you, the prime caregiver, slightly more financial security with respect to his assets which are the only assets in the relationship. Important assets are house, car, pension, decision making ability in the case of illness or incapacity.

You and your child are extremely vulnerable to any change in his temper, tolerance, future plans. You need to become financially independent as soon as possible. Or have a registry marriage and be put on the deed to the house. Or both.

C)

Possibly, but do you really want to put yourself in a position where you’re relying on benefits to keep you and your child fed and clothed with a roof over your head?

How would I even bring the topic up, though? "Let's get married quick so I have some protection in case you kick me out or the relationship crumbles" I don't think that would go down well.. so I feel a bit stuck!

I always felt like marriage was on the cards regardless, so in my head it didn't matter which order. It's easy to judge others when you're not in their shoes.