Grandparents of expat grandchildren expects them to sleepover on visit

[Pennyblosom]

We have been in the UK for 2 and a half years. My DD1 was 15 months when we moved. Our second DD was born here and is 8 months old.

Since we moved not one of the grandparents have come to visit and the only communication was over video chat, but DD1 has never been interested in sitting still and talking to them.

We are flying in a week to go back for a visit and having DD2 christening while we are there. We are going to be staying with my FIL as his house is big enough to accommodate us all.

My parents is expecting me to leave my DC at their house for a sleepover. They do not have a spare room, planning on throwing a mattress on their bedroom floor for DD1 and having the Camping Cot for DD2.

I am very reluctant as my DD1 doesn’t even allow my husband to bathe her or put her to bed. He is allowed to read a story with us, but then he has to leave. My parents do not know the DC bath time or bed time routine. But they are expecting me to leave my DC with technically strangers as DD1 was too small to remember them other than over a screen.

They are already going to be in a different home, different bed, different country, which is already making it difficult. I do not want to upset them further by leaving them alone in another strange house, another strange bed with, seeing it from their perspective, strange people alone.

Am I being unreasonable by saying no.

Honestly I wouldn’t, mine would have freaked out. After a few repeat visits and when they are older it may be more likely. Honestly I think you wouldn’t get out the door let alone a full sleepover.

Say no - poor kids might think k they’ve been kidnapped

They are young. You don't fancy it.
The answer is no.

A spare room? Never mind about that. It's not important for a night.

Nope. Do your parents and ILs live near to each other? Can you all meet together at your FIL's house? If not, you and your dch will have to visit or go out with them. It's unreasonable for your dch to be expected to stay with people they don't know. You'll have to tactfully explain that the dch won't be happy out of their routine and will need to be with you at FIL's at night.

Nope. Not at all unreasonable to say no. Your dds don't know them.

No. We have reverse, so we are visiting back in uk. Ds is 4 years and he wouldn’t stay with anyone overnight. He just doesn’t see any family enough for us and him to be comfortable with it on annual trip. Dh parents visit us another 2 times a year for up to 2 weeks, and it’s only after the first week he’s happy going to the park with them alone.
Maybe when he’s older. But not yet

No, that is a very unreasonable demand, your kids are wayyyyy tooooo young to be left with a 'stranger' without you. They may be traumatised. Stick to your instincts OP and don't allow it, your kids are your first priority.

That would be a very easy no from me.

I wouldn't like to sleep on a stranger's floor, so there's no way I'd expect my child to, relative or not.

Ah your poor parents, your in-laws will get so much of that incidental quality time with the DC that they won't - the helping them pick a cereal or watching their rubbish on TV.

I'd go to your parents with the DC for a couple of nights. I know there won't really be room, but for the sake of a couple of nights I'd sleep on the sofa to let my parents have that time with us.

Completely agree that you can't let them stay over without you at those ages.

They live luckily only 10 mins drive from each other and we have said that the door will always be open for them to come and go as they please during our visit. But they seem to think that FIL is getting all of the benefit and they are missing out due to us not staying with them. My FIL is almost 80 years old, so he is not interested in being a part of bath time or bed time. He is just happy sitting and looking at them. So it is not as if he will become the favourite grandpa.

But your parents want to do the bath time and bedtime stuff. They don't just want "visits", they want the mundane daily life.

My FIL is almost 80 and my MIL has passed away almost 6 years ago now. So he does not have the energy to play with them, just happy to sit and look at them.

I work remotely, so I am not on leave while we visit. So need a bedroom in order to be able to work. I understand sleeping on the sofa, but my kids will still be in their room. Both still wake during the night and it will be very uncomfortable to go into my parents bedroom to tend to my kids during the night while they are in their bed sleeping.

We did tell them that the door is always open and they can come and go as they please. Even stay over as my FIL has enough bedrooms for all. We even invited them to come with us to my DH family farm for a week, but they declined.

So not really sure what more I can do for them.

Could you go away with them for a couple of nights to a larger holiday home? I just feel so sorry for your parents who have never met their grandchildren and are probably craving that time with them.

A Nanny here with one grandchild, and fellow grandparents, from and living in a different country to me.

You have a grandparent rivalry situation going on.

It is important that your child’s needs are front and centre (oh and yours) not grandparents they must come second to that.

It is totally ridiculous to have your children stay at your parents house at such a young age.

reassure them that as the children grow older they will build independent ties with them.

@WickieRoy - erm the grandparents have also not visited. They could have visited op where she lives, has two children and works.
It’s usually always easier for grandparents to visit. They likely have no work, aren’t restricted by nursery or school holidays, and it just 1-2 adults to travel and sleep in standard guest bedroom rather than parents of young children needing extra beds, travel cost, toddler activities and stuff. If the grandparents haven’t seen child in 2.5 years it’s on them

They have met DC1 as she was 15 months old when we moved.

The family farm will just be us as my FIL are too old to travel so far. There is 5 bedrooms and that is why we invited my parents to come along. I also took leave for that week. So they would have quality alone time with the kids and be the only other people there besides me, DH and DC. But they still declined. Their reason being that they do not want to be a burden on us.

I understand that they want to spend time with them and I have tried to make so many plans to accommodate them, but they only want to do what suits them. It feels like they want the DC alone, without me or DH there. Do not know why

If they refused I stay at 5 bed farmhouse with you then I think you def don’t worry about it. Just say that’s the week they can stay with you, and you can’t fit at theirs so you can’t stay and kids too young alone

I see where they're coming from. They're missing out on their grandchildren. I really don't think the mattress on the floor is an issue at all so that's not an excuse. But fair enough if you don't want to leave them overnight. Personally, I'd make an effort to stay over with the kids a couple of times. Who cares if it's the sofa or floor, that's not really a big deal.

YANBU

your children are young and don't know your parents. Totally reasonable they get to know them first before any over night stays.

I suggest you have some day time trips so the children can get to know their grandparents a bit. But an overnight on this trip home - not a good idea.

You can't leave your young children overnight with people who (and it may be through no fault of their own, just distance) are virtually strangers to them. What a weird suggestion.

They can read stories and do bath-time for your baby (you said your DD1 only likes you to do it) at their house, and then you can drive back with the kids to your FIL's and everyone can have a good night's sleep.

Say no. Kids are too young, especially the little one..!

You need to vouch for your kids and be their voice.

The answer is no. You are an adult and you can make up your own mind

So you don't know about safe sleep guidelines for under 1 years old then.

They also don't know the grandparents put yourself in the children's shoes sleeping on an unfamiliar place, with strangers and no mummy or daddy.

This is all and only for your parents benefit, nothing about what they want suits or is appropriate for your children, they are being really very selfish and not good grandparents trying to push this issue.
You've already offered them to come stay in a suitable place, if that isn't good enough then they can suit themselves.