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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no?

38 replies

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 18:42

Sorry for the click bait title. I’m 39 (turning 40 next month). We have 2 DS (3 and 9mo). I’ve found it really hard to be a parent. Partly because I value my independence and I’ve struggled having to sacrifice my autonomy; I BF the first until he was 13mo and I’m still going with number 2. I miss having space, I miss being on my own, I miss being healthy (I’m not really unhealthy now but I used to do a lot of exercise and now I am having a good day if I shower). I feel trapped and miserable. The complicating factor is that I know a lot of my stress is due to our living situation; I won’t go into details because it’s boring but we have been living in a building site and there’s loads still to do. Me and my OH are both quite ‘ambitious’ in Terms of what level of inconvenience we can tolerate but I am frazzled. I might feel differently if we had a ‘normal’ living situation but I’m so sick of living in chaos, being knackered and having no independence.

my OH would like another child. His view is; kids are great (he knows it’s hard but he thinks they are great), he thinks more kids are better and we could ‘do another one’ given our ages.

I should say I got pregnant easily and quickly both times and had uncomplicated pregnancies.

i don’t want another child. The thought of it fills me with dread, however, seeing our boys interact now, does, to some extent give me an insight into what is to come, which is lovely.

I guess my question is, if I’m right yo stick with my gut, how do I deal with the guilt? My OH is a wonderful dad and currently a SAHD (We both earn well and we decided he’d take done time off right now). I feel awful saying no, but I’m just not sure I can do it.

hiw can I reconcile this? Or do I just say yes and work it out?

Edit to add /

YABU - have another kid!
YANBU - don’t have another kid (and ideally some tips around not feeling guilty!)

OP posts:
Putting · 15/08/2024 18:45

YANBU

I tend to think with having children either parent gets to veto whether they actively try for one (different once a woman is pregnant - then it’s entirely her choice). But also, you’d be the one growing the baby so if you don’t want a baby nobody else should have a say.

PeloMom · 15/08/2024 18:46

Your feelings are valid. If you don’t want more, say no.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 15/08/2024 18:46

Can you tell DH you will review situation when house is sorted.

Tea2SugarsThanks · 15/08/2024 18:47

Does he know how you're feeling, really feeling? If not I'd have a chat and tell him.
If you have another child you both have to want it otherwise resentment will set in

xyz111 · 15/08/2024 18:47

I'd get the house sorted first as this could be clouding your view. Would him working get the house done quicker?

Original poster
Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 18:47

Putting · 15/08/2024 18:45

YANBU

I tend to think with having children either parent gets to veto whether they actively try for one (different once a woman is pregnant - then it’s entirely her choice). But also, you’d be the one growing the baby so if you don’t want a baby nobody else should have a say.

You are right, and he’s knows that. I’m under no pressure… but would I be happier in the long run if I just sucked it up now and went along with his theory of more kids = more joy??? I know no one can give me the answer.

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 15/08/2024 18:47

You say no because it's your body and you don't want any more.
End of.

GandTtwice · 15/08/2024 18:47

Is it renovations in your house that's making it a building site? You could look to resolve all the outstanding things in the house then agree to re-discuss the topic or more children at that stage. That gives you time to see if the overwhelm you are feeling is just the works or if you are really happier with two children (and there's nothing wrong with that at all).

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2024 18:49

You can absolutely say no if you are done with 2 that's what it is, your OH needs to concentrate on the house not add to the chaos.

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 15/08/2024 18:50

What if you had a dd would he then want a 4th for the possibility of 2 of each? He could ramp up the guilt /pressure then also..

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2024 18:50

"Third ones a tricky one" is an expression for a reason

DadJoke · 15/08/2024 18:50

You've said "I don't want another child." That is more than good enough. Tell him as kindly as you can, and deal with the fallout.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2024 18:51

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 18:47

You are right, and he’s knows that. I’m under no pressure… but would I be happier in the long run if I just sucked it up now and went along with his theory of more kids = more joy??? I know no one can give me the answer.

Show quote history

Nobody can say really, it does sound like your body and mind have had enough and that's OK.

thistimelastweek · 15/08/2024 18:51

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 18:47

You are right, and he’s knows that. I’m under no pressure… but would I be happier in the long run if I just sucked it up now and went along with his theory of more kids = more joy??? I know no one can give me the answer.

Show quote history

More kids can equally mean more worry and anxiety.

Original poster
Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 18:53

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 15/08/2024 18:50

What if you had a dd would he then want a 4th for the possibility of 2 of each? He could ramp up the guilt /pressure then also..

I asked him exactly this! If the theory is ‘more is better’ when do we stop?? My theory is we stop at 2 because 2 is clearly very different to 1 from their perspective. He said that our ages probably dictated 3 made sense but more than that probably wouldn’t. Which I get… I’m healthy, being pregnant was easy, I could have another one I’m sure… I just don’t want to 😭

OP posts:
Onehotday · 15/08/2024 18:53

Would your feelings be the same if you were to bottle feed?

Also consider the fact that the older two could be in school/nursery by the time the new baby arrives.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 15/08/2024 18:56

My DD regretted having a third one, as the practicalities of not having enough hands for 3 youngsters, makes life difficult on a daily basis. Of course she loves the third one to bits, but realistically, it does make life more difficult, things like plane journey's are harder, etc. My thoughts about your situation, would be to talk to your partner and tell him that at this point you don't think you want any more, be honest with him, in the same way that he needs to be honest with you, ie, is it a deal breaker for him if you don't? If you're absolutely clear in your own mind that you're done, then telling him you don't think you want any more at this stage, will prepare him for you saying at a later date that you've given it a lot of thought, and you've decided you definitely don't want any more. At the end of the day OP, it's your body, and you do get the final say, but breaking it to him gently, is probably better than a definite, I'm done, so you can forget that idea!

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 15/08/2024 18:56

Suggest a dcat or a ddog.. A dpuppy is as much work as a dc.. No bf involved though!!

WallaceinAnderland · 15/08/2024 18:57

Personally I would not want to be having a baby in my forties. I would be too knackered and really it's a good 20 years until they are properly independent. You'd be in your sixties by then. I would want my life back sooner.

Kitkatcatflap · 15/08/2024 18:57

What do you feel awful saying 'No'. Say NO. It's not an order. No guilt needed - so he likes children. Great, he has two of them. Job done. If he likes children so much, he can work with them when the little one starts school.

You've had two children, youngest only three months, of course you are exhausted. Your hormones are still all over the place. He is being unreasonable to put this kind of pressure on you so soon after your recent birth.

Original poster
Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 18:57

Onehotday · 15/08/2024 18:53

Would your feelings be the same if you were to bottle feed?

Also consider the fact that the older two could be in school/nursery by the time the new baby arrives.

I know this will also be his line of thinking. He would absolutely support me not BFing if that was a limiting factor. He’d get up in the night, he’d do all that stuff. He is the real deal, he wants another kid because he thinks it would add to our lives, he’s prepared to make any sacrifices that enable that. Equally o know that regardless of the method of feeding, we’re a team, it will be a burden shared in some way or another.

OP posts:
twinklystar23 · 15/08/2024 19:00

It's clear your not ready and neither is your current lifestyle. Is there some way you can accelerate the building work? I had similar circumstances and then we move moved when our "second" (twins) were born having a calm ordered house will go a long way to mitigating how you feel. Also it doesn't last forever, I know you probably think that's easier said than done. Also bf really takes it out of you, I know this isn't the issue but be sure your getting adequate rest, nutrition and fluids, I'm not sure if you are if working f.t.
Then and only when things are more settled you can think of you want another child. Is there some way you can create some more time for yourself ?

Original poster
Icanttakethisanymore · 15/08/2024 19:01

Kitkatcatflap · 15/08/2024 18:57

What do you feel awful saying 'No'. Say NO. It's not an order. No guilt needed - so he likes children. Great, he has two of them. Job done. If he likes children so much, he can work with them when the little one starts school.

You've had two children, youngest only three months, of course you are exhausted. Your hormones are still all over the place. He is being unreasonable to put this kind of pressure on you so soon after your recent birth.

I guess because we are a team and I’d like to think we try to give each other what we want if we know it’s important.

the youngest is actually 9 mo (the eldest is 3yo). He’s such a lovely dad. He’s not putting me under pressure… he’s just expressed a preference. If I say no, that’s it. No drama, no red lines. I just wonder if I’m being short sighted?

OP posts:
MapleTreeValley · 15/08/2024 19:04

I have three. I love them all to pieces but three is hard work! My DC3 was a terrible sleeper and a really tricky toddler - much harder than the other two (although to be fair he's now a lovely teen).

Definitely don't have another one if you're not sure.

ShipshapeShore · 15/08/2024 19:20

It doesn't necessarily get easier as such, well it sort of does but there are different challenges all the way through. My DC are 14 and 10 and I'm finding it really difficult at the minute. Neither of us wanted more after two, and I'm very glad as I can't imagine having an extra person in the mix right now!

It might not be all straightforward for you either. A third might be a third and fourth if it's twins. Or baby could have health issues etc.

You sound quite sure you don't want another. I'd stick to my guns if I were you.