To say no?

[Icanttakethisanymore]

Sorry for the click bait title. I’m 39 (turning 40 next month). We have 2 DS (3 and 9mo). I’ve found it really hard to be a parent. Partly because I value my independence and I’ve struggled having to sacrifice my autonomy; I BF the first until he was 13mo and I’m still going with number 2. I miss having space, I miss being on my own, I miss being healthy (I’m not really unhealthy now but I used to do a lot of exercise and now I am having a good day if I shower). I feel trapped and miserable. The complicating factor is that I know a lot of my stress is due to our living situation; I won’t go into details because it’s boring but we have been living in a building site and there’s loads still to do. Me and my OH are both quite ‘ambitious’ in Terms of what level of inconvenience we can tolerate but I am frazzled. I might feel differently if we had a ‘normal’ living situation but I’m so sick of living in chaos, being knackered and having no independence.

my OH would like another child. His view is; kids are great (he knows it’s hard but he thinks they are great), he thinks more kids are better and we could ‘do another one’ given our ages.

I should say I got pregnant easily and quickly both times and had uncomplicated pregnancies.

i don’t want another child. The thought of it fills me with dread, however, seeing our boys interact now, does, to some extent give me an insight into what is to come, which is lovely.

I guess my question is, if I’m right yo stick with my gut, how do I deal with the guilt? My OH is a wonderful dad and currently a SAHD (We both earn well and we decided he’d take done time off right now). I feel awful saying no, but I’m just not sure I can do it.

hiw can I reconcile this? Or do I just say yes and work it out?

Edit to add /

YABU - have another kid!
YANBU - don’t have another kid (and ideally some tips around not feeling guilty!)

Why would you feel guilty? What you should feel guilty about would be bringing an unwanted child into the world.

Just say no, it's you that's going to go through another pregnancy and birth so it's your body and MH being affected, so you have the final decision

I’d get the house sorted first then reassess your feelings - tell you DH that you aren’t ready yet and might never be but are feeling stressed form lack of independence and house issues. Once house sorted you might feel differently … or you might not. Either is ok.

I stopped at 2 as felt we didn’t have the finances or energy to have a 3rd. I didn’t t think I could give to 3 children enough time and attention Others have 3rd and its a breeze. It’s very personal and only you know what’s right for you.

I’d caution assuming your pregnancy for a 3rd would be as easy as your 1st or 2nd. It might well be but no one can predict this and every pregnancy is different. You DC are also still very young. I loved that age 3yr old was a little person and lovely to watch with their younger sibling (very similar age gap!) and it brought me a lot of joy. Ten years on its more complicated and although my DC bring me joy it’s much harder than when they were tiny. Not trying to put you off a third lots have and enjoy but it does get harder when they grow (imo others are will have own experiences).

I'd definitely say no at the moment. It will get easier as they get older, but get the house sorted as a priority and then see how you feel, but given what you said in your post I don't think you'll change your mind.

I was in a bit of a bubble after my first, she was a good baby and slept through the night at 6 weeks. I originally wanted 4, but had my second under two years later and that was enough to put me off having any more, for life!

3 changes a lot, houses, cars, holidays and dynamics and for it both parents need to be 100% any doubt then don’t it is as simple as that

I stopped at your age, even though both dh and ds1 wanted another really, really badly.

I was probably much conditioned by two friends I had who had multiple miscarriages at around that age, and seeing how badly it affected them. One went on to have another, the other never did.

I felt that the risk was that my family, which felt perfect with two, would feel incomplete if we tried for a 3rd and didn't manage. And that the gap between my eldest and the youngest would be so big that it would mean constant compromises by one or the other in terms of the activities we could do with them.

I've never regretted it, and over the years dh has often said how glad he is in the end that we have 2, how well it works for us and how we couldn't have offered 3 the same level of engagement which we have with our 2. Children are a joy, but babies are like chocolate cake. Lovely in moderation, but there is such a thing as too much. And as the mother of a baby you only get the choice of too much or even more.

As to guilt? No, never had it. I made a considered decision based on what I thought was best for both me and the family. Don't feel I have anything to feel guilty about.

Your chances of a multiple birth increase as you get older - my 2nd at 39 turned out to be my 2nd and 3rd. Am i happy with 3? Yes, but i often wish I had another pair of hands. And more money. Three is expensive (and we live a v simple life).

I do think you should heed your gut, and if you've any doubt about having another then don't. My dc's Dad was very committed & hands on etc but we're now divorcing (dc now teens) - dc live with me so on a day in/day out basis, it's all on me. I know it's looking on the dark side but there are no guarantees in life, and how you'd fare if you ended up a SP is worth considering.

Thank you all for your input - I really do appreciate it. I think it’s probably a no from me but I’ll think on it over the w/e and talk to him again. I’d like to get rid of all our baby stuff which is partly what bought the conversation up now. Thanks again x

Is your DH award of the increased risk of having a child with Down syndrome or other chromasomal abnormality with older parents? Particularly a mother over 40?

It would be hard enough for you to manage with a third child with no problems, but a child with additional needs could be the straw that breaks the camels back in your own situation.

This is in no way saying that a child with additional needs cannot be a joy and a blessing - just that in your own particular situation, where you already know you would find it difficult to manage, this might be a step too far.

I would say no. You don't want more. Don't have more.

How have your 2 been as babies though? I found after DD1 my husband started talking in plurals (eg. 'I can't wait to have more kids' etc) when we'd always agreed 2. He was just so loved up with DD1 and thinking more was better. Roll on DD2 who was an absolute nightmare sleeper and he soon changed his tune! I don't think I had a single full night of sleep for 3 years and even then was only occasionally.

If you have a good dynamic with your 2 and the baby stage has gone well, I would say don't chance your luck with a third! Although mostly because you don't want one.

Our 2 have probably been average (I think!). Neither slept that well but I’ve certainly heard of worse. Both are happy little guys although quite demanding and need a lot of attention. So I wouldn’t call them easy babies, nor would I say have been unusually difficult from what I’ve heard 🤷‍♀️ I just don’t want to go back to the beginning. I’m desperate to progress beyond the baby stage, although I do sometimes wonder if that’s about my broader unhappiness with life, which is what makes me think perhaps I’m being rash.

Put this out of your mind until the buildingvwork is done and you've had at least 6months builder free.

That's kind of how I felt too though with wanting 2. Have 2, a few years apart and then they grow up together and go through stages together. So in terms of what you can do with them. If you have 2 in school and then another baby then there is always one adult sitting out activities with the baby. I wanted to get baby and toddler stage out of the way with similar ages and then move on. Sounds like you think the same. Realistically, if you had another, it's probably you sitting it out while your husband and boys do activities. And given you've already had enough of this phase, it doesn't sound like the best plan for you.