Not letting DS out with friends

[BettyBoo246]

So my DS has been allowed to play out for the last year or so.
However a couple of his friends always seem to get in trouble / cause trouble and DS does 99% of the time take himself out of the situation etc but it's just getting to the point now where I don't want him spending time with them. But I know (think I know!) that's wrong for me to decide who he's friends with.

DS has just come down and asked to play out with them and I've said no. He's now sat up in his room crying 😔

Help / Advice please... Should I let him? (Spoke to dh, his response was just let me out so I now I feel even worse)

How old is ds?
What sort of trouble?
I think if it's just kid like trouble ( knocking on doors and running) I'd let it go but if stealing or bullying I'd not let him out but he also has to learn right from wrong.

FYI he's 11

How old is DS, how old are the friends and can you be a bit more specific about ‘causing trouble’?

What sort of trouble?

It depends on what sort of trouble you mean and also why you don't want him spending time with them.... Is it better you're worried he will be tainted by association, or because he might get led down a path, or has started behaving badly or speaking differently about what they do, or because you think he might become a target, or something else? I think we need to understand a bit more in order to comment.

Really need more specifics here. Are they lobbing stones at windows or cars, nicking from shops, knocking on doors and running off, vandalising the swings, ripping up people's garden flowers? You're not wrong to keep him away if that's the case.

@FunLurker a bit more than just door knocking I guess. They've had the police called before for threatening other kids. One also for racism, called someone a P.... (and still does use racist language) DS asks him not to but it's just laughed off.
I just don't trust them. But I know DS needs to work it out for himself. it's so difficult to know what to do for the best

I think you're doing the right thing. That's more than knocking on doors (which is bad enough!). They don't sounds like a great bunch of kids.

You’re doing the right thing. It’s serious if the police have been called. Keep him away from them as these behaviours can escalate quickly as they’re all trying to look like if men in front of each other.

Does he have any other friends you can invite over?

Sounds like a classy street 😳

How does he know these kids?

I'd get him involved in some sort of activity so he can meet some nicer kids.

I had something similar when my DS was in Y7 and had go strongly discourage him from hanging out with a particular couple of boys who I found out liked stealing!

Thankfully he has made some nicer friends.

Sorry for the lack of info!

They have had the police round their houses a couple of times, one for racism and the other for threatening violence.

Don't get me wrong they aren't thugs, not stealing from shops or damaging property but just disrespectful, shouting things at people in the street, vile language, lying about where they are going, knocking doors (not the worse thing I know)

I guess when I write it down it doesn't sound much, maybe I've overreacted today?!

In these circumstances YANBU... Explain to him that he needs to find other friends to play with.

Also - I don't want to suggest your son is involved, but its surprising to me that "99% of the time" he can avoid being part of the problem. Where are you hearing that from? Him? Or do yoh have other assurances that it's everyone but him (unlikely). Are you just a bit blind to his part i things maybe?

I guess when I write it down it doesn't sound much, maybe I've overreacted today?!

I mean, it sounds pretty bad, actually. Encourage him to join hobbies where there are other children.

In that case YANBU at all. Invite some nice school friends over to play instead?

@StarryDance yes he does thankfully. And he does play out with them and there's never any issues.

It's recently I found it only seems to be these 2 playing out and the others are saying they can't. Which is making me think are the other mums feeling the same way as me? (Or could be because it's summer hols and their away / busy etc)

They've been friends since reception and all about to go secondary school together (same class 🙄)

He's just come down now saying they're getting on at him saying I'm too strict... this is literally the first time I've said no

That’s not nice behaviour for 11 years olds and I would not want my child to be associated with them.
have they just finished primary school ? Are they going to the same school in September?

They are nasty little thugs by the behaviours you describe!

Hi @Hufflemuff as I wrote that I knew it sounded like "oh its never my child" 😂

Most of the kids know each other in the area and DS never gets named and we never have the police around. There are other kids in the friend group that are well behaved and will also take themselves out of the situation too and they come and tell us straight away what's happened.

Sounds like you should invite the other boys over to play and make it clear the bullies aren't included. Maybe the parents of the other friends could do the same. It's difficult once they are all outside in the streets/parks, then it becomes impossible to separate them. Is there any way you can contact school before they start and ask for your son plus one of his other friends to be moved to a different class?

If he's young enough to be crying over it then he still young enough for you to make a judgement on this.

Based on your other post including details of police, racism and violence, you and your ds are absolutely busy every time!

They are about to start secondary

He'll be with 5 of his friends in his new class, one is one of the bad ones but I'm hopeful he'll stay with his good friends and make new ones and learn for himself.
But do I allow DS to learn for himself by letting him hangout with them?

DS1 is 11. I wouldn’t dream of letting him out under these circumstances. I’d rather be mean and protect him from these children. How do you think the current crop of young rioters started?

Could you contact the mums of the other kids that don't cause trouble and invite their kids over? Or all of them for a BBQ at the weekend, to solidify friendships without the troublemakers?

I wouldn't want my child hanging out with them either, they sound rough and he'll get a reputation just for being with them.

ETA - I don't think being friends with someone who calls people p* is nothing, tbh... yes kids do it to shock and make their mates laugh, but if the police have been called it's gone beyond that.