Not letting DS out with friends

[BettyBoo246]

So my DS has been allowed to play out for the last year or so.
However a couple of his friends always seem to get in trouble / cause trouble and DS does 99% of the time take himself out of the situation etc but it's just getting to the point now where I don't want him spending time with them. But I know (think I know!) that's wrong for me to decide who he's friends with.

DS has just come down and asked to play out with them and I've said no. He's now sat up in his room crying 😔

Help / Advice please... Should I let him? (Spoke to dh, his response was just let me out so I now I feel even worse)

Have you really talked to him properly? About his choices? Why is he friends with such undesirables? That should be yours, and his, concern.

That's loads. I'd be bloody horrified if mine were doing any of that at any age, but 11!!!! You absolutely are not overreacting. To keep him in. None of that is "kids being kids" hahaha.

are you kidding? Doesn’t sound that bad?! Sounds bloody awful behaviour. Be a strong parent and tell your son you don’t want him thinking this behaviour is ok. And door knocking is not a minor thing, my 89 year old relative had a spate of kids banging on the door and running and it caused a lot of stress to her, she couldn’t understand why it was happening and was she being targeted etc.

I wouldn't facilitate any meet-ups with your ds and these kids. They aren't nice at all.

Dear god OP! These kids are thugs and there is now way I'd let my kids within a mile of them!!!

But do I allow DS to learn for himself by letting him hangout with them?

No absolutely no! You want the police knocking on your door? Or your son shouting disgusting racist comment?

What do you genuinely think is going to happen? Your son will change his friends' behaviours?

You lie with dogs you'll get fleas!

I'd be straight to school asking if I could get my son out of classes with these thugs. How sure are you that your son isn't a thug too?

My son would have been grounded and be giving an appropriate punishment if he'd been involved with any of that shit.

I hope you're daily checking his phone. Nip this in the bud OP while you still can!!

Yes this was exactly my thoughts this morning with his reaction

Absolutely no way on earth I'd let my kid hang out with racists thugs. They're 11!! They're looking for an ASBO sometime soon, do not let your son get caught up in that.
He's not strong enough to walk away himself so you have to do it and keep him away.

And yeh, it does actually sound worse when you write it down, not better.

My son would not be allowed out to play in this situation. And also told that once he starts secondary school he will have to come home straight away and will not be allowed out on school nights at all so that he could focus on homework and preparing for the next day.

Sorry I pressed YABU before I read your updates about the actual behaviour, YANBU at all.

Oh I religiously check his phone every night.

I know he's not like them because I raised him right. He tells them to stop swearing / stop saying racist words etc, I can see on the messages he does that.
But and this is where I think he still has a lot of growing up to do, he still wants to be their friend!

One of them is going a different school thankfully. But the other will be in his class. It's the one that's going a different school that is the worse one so I'm hoping once his influence is no longer there, DS and his other friends will bring the other one round!

Definitely yanbu. As they get older their behaviour may well escalate and you don’t want them to do something really bad and your son be guilty by association and also be potentially prosecuted.

I'd be direct with your ds. Explain that you understand he's doing his best to be a good friend to them, but good friends don't start trouble - so if they're starting trouble around him then they aren't being good friends to him. So you want him to start to think about what other friends he can make and you'd like to help him do that. I'd ask him to think of a hobby or activity he would like to try and then set him up with that where possible so he can widen his network.

Holy fuck op, that behaviour is disgusting -no way would my DC be allowed to play with such racist thugs!

I've spent many years looking after year 7 kids. It's really make or break - sure, he'll make new friends in September but he needs to separate himself from this horrible thug now. It takes a while for kids to shake off first impressions, and (whether we like it or not) other students and staff will tar him with the same brush. Additionally, if the other kid feels like he's kinda on his own in September (you know, cos he's struggling to find friends due to his abysmal behaviour) chances are he's going to put pressure on your ds and others in his form from the same primary.

Time for a sensible chat now op - at 11 he still needs guidance and boundaries. If the other kids are calling him wet for not being allowed to play out, give him that get-out-of-jail-free card of 'mum won't let me' - explain to him that he's likely to get into bother by association and that you're trying to save him from that. Rather a tricky convo with you than with a police officer in the future.

Easier said than done I know, but a tough lesson now could prevent a whole host of trouble down the line.

Encourage other friendships!

I can really see why you're worried

Honestly, if this was my son at 11, there's no way he'd be going out with these 2 boys. Appalling behaviour.

Good advice,
Also, currently he wants to play outside, you are saying no because of the two boys ( absolutely correct IMHO) but what alternative does he have, being stuck at home, not allowed out. He probably feels that is like a punishment and he hasn't done anything. Also sounds like the friends are nagging him on the phone, so you have to put a stop to that. Be aware they are probably also communicating on gaming as well.

I think if there was an alternative, he'd be more inclined to go along with you.

Can he make some lists of things you can do? Also plan a big day out maybe once a week, somewhere he wants to go.. see if the other boys from his new class will go. finding discount vouchers, free clubs etc... Even a bus ride to a big park where you can picnic or something. Invite the new school friends round.
Give him some projects, things that can earn him some pocket money.

Try to frame it that you/he are not excluding the other two, as that could cause resentment and make them pick on him.. you want to frame it as he's busy, he's going to football club or whatever. Invite 2 or 3 of the other new school boys around but be careful not to give the impression that the two troublemakers are excluded....frame it as just two friends around.
Ask how he feels about name calling and door knocking and if it worries him that the police were called.

Remember you're not his friend, you're his mum. He and his friends don't get to inform you that you're too strict. Their opinion is irrelevant.

Your job is to guide, care for, direct his development, watch for bad influence, help him develop, keep him safe, all those hard things. Keep that front and centre of your mind - that's what you're for.

This kind of behaviour in these pre adolescents is the beginning, the bud. It's where gang behaviour, vandalism, violence etc is born, and by the time they're mid teens, those boys will have escalated if they aren't given the same help you're giving your son.

Remember that children of 10 and older can be arrested for a crime, and will then find themselves being dragged further into that world.

Your actions now will save him from joining them.

He was crying - he's still a little boy. Maybe somewhere in there is relief he doesn't have to do the things they do or try to stop them any more. He shouldn't have to even be doing that because he shouldn't be mixing with them.

Time to assert yourself and facilitate him doing the kind of activities and meeting new friends that won't drag him down.

Thanks everyone for your replies 😊

I was adamant this morning he wasn't going out with them but then started to doubt myself. Not doubt their bad behaviour but worry I'm over reaching.

He does have quite a few friends. He does go-karting as a sport and has a lot friends through this but they are all over the country so hard to meet up in-between races.

The school he is going to has a good reputation and DS is excited to start.

Some really good advice and I really do appreciate it, I think a few have hit the nail on the head with his emotionally immature reaction, clearly showing he's just not there yet to make the judgement for himself.

It sounds awful. Knocking on doors - disrespectful and upsetting potentially. Vile language, pice visits. They sound like little thugs in the making. You should definitely not allow it.

It's very unlikely sadly, that the "good kids" will influence the "bad kid" and bring them round. At that age, being "cool" and tough etc us much more catching than the other way round.

It actually does sound quite bad. If they're doing this at 11 who's to say it won't be drugs and knives by the time they're 15?

I would do everything you can to stop your son from spending time with them, and tell him it's because they're horrible boys who will probably end up in jail.

He’s 11. It’s your job to protect him from being dragged into situations where he’ll end up on the police’s radar. I cannot believe you are unsure if you should intervene to be honest. No way would my kids be allowed freely spend time with racist kids who clearly are antisocial.

I agree, and in a couple of years, or less, those activities will have escalated to more serious and even chargeable offences.

You don’t want your kid to be the one left holding the bag marked swag as the fall guy for these little thugs. Them blaming you for being too strict is a real issue as well, I think they have marked your son down as someone a bit vulnerable who they can influence, and I would ask myself why are they targeting him, what is in it for them, because they aren’t doing it because they think he is lonely and needs cheering up.

Honestly no for me I wouldn’t allow him to hang out with them. I am all for children learning but I think as the police have already been involved, I would see this as a time to step in as a parent.
it’s a tricky age and with secondary school now on the horizon. They want to be grown up but are still children and need to know from parents what is acceptable behaviour. These boys will hopefully grown out of antisocial behaviour but I suspect it will only get worse.
keep encouraging the good friends.

They sound like awful children and certainly the type I tell my kids to stay away from. You are doing the right thing. Sit down and explain to your dc how racism and police involvement at 11 is not the company you want to keep.