aibu to not make a packed lunch for my nearly 15 year old DC

[menohnopausal]

Genuinely prepared to be told AIBU, but my first two DC started fending for themselves when they started high school (ie at about 12). They generally did a combo of school lunches, local shop lunches, and making their own packed lunches.

DC3 has been doing the same for the last couple of years, although with a significantly more extravagant taste in shop lunches. We agreed on a budget for shop food (£3.50 a day), to be supplemented with packed lunches if needed.

She's now asking either for me yet increase the lunch budget to buy more expensive lunches, or for me to make her packed lunches because she CBA.

Apparently ALL her friends get their lunch made for them. Is this likely to be true? If so, I'll get back to the lunch-making grind!

I disagree, and I say that as a child who grew up in care after severe neglect. Our job as parents is to help our children grow into rounded, functioning, confident adults. Not to mollycoddle them until the day they turn 18 and then expect them to magically perform as an adult overnight.

It’s a long road, and making themselves a sandwich is a simple, easy way to get them to start to take a bit of responsibility for themselves. It’s hardly an arduous task.

YABU. Can’t believe how many mums don’t make their kids’ lunch?! I’ve never known a child make their own packed lunch!

I agree. Sometimes (not always), properly caring for a child involves making demands on them to do things for themselves, even when it's simpler to do them yourself. From a very early age, I'd add.

There’s a clear difference between doing something for your child all the time so they don’t learn to be independent from you and being the type of parent who every so often decides to make your child’s lunch regardless of their age. That’s just being nice surely?… there’s a middle ground. It doesn’t have to be one or the other!!

It's not that deep in our house, tbh.

If I'm making - say - pasta salad, I'll make & pot up 4 portions.

There's me & 2 teenagers left at home.

The girls can take a pot of pasta/make a sandwich if they don't fancy it/use their allowance to buy something.

Once I notice the pasta's all gone, be it one day or 3 days later, I make a batch of sausage rolls or noodle jars or something - same deal.

There's always fruit, veg, yogurts knocking about. Sometimes I make things like chia puddings to use up ripe fruit, or soup to use up veg.

Everyone's welcome to fridge raid to assemble a pack up OR to eat a substantial breakfast, take some fruit & grab a 'late lunch' after school.

To be fair, I do all the meal prep, but one dd is in charge of family laundry & another does most of the shopping/errands, so we muddle along nicely.

If I solemnly assembled each kid a lunch on the daily, we'd have more waste; sometimes they just wouldn't fancy what was in it, & sometimes they would have plans to go offsite with a friend to get coffee & a bun, etc etc.

She sounds incredibly indulged and spoilt. Why are you even giving her money for lunch? My parents never did that it was packed lunches we made ourselves, or if we wanted to buy lunch out, we used the money we earned from our weekend jobs. She could be a parent herself.

15 is an adult, not a child.

15 is not an adult don't be daft.
I made lunches and still do as it's easier for 1 person to be hogging the kitchen without all of us trying to get in there in the morning. But that's cause it works for us, I don't do anything based on well all my friends do on principle.

I’m surprised by the number of parents who don’t make their dc lunches. Dh and I take turns but at weekends lunch is a “help yourself” scenario. Year 11 was pretty stressful (just finished it and awaiting results) so I didn’t add anything on top of normal chores. Dishwasher emptying and clearing the kitchen after dinner are her main tasks with occasional meals cooked.

Making food is a sign of comfort and love in many cultures. It's not the same as showing your child other independence like using public transport, grooming, etc.

Since when?!?!

This is my point, I'm certainly not saying mollycoddle kids and do everything for them, but things are often dressed up in here as 'developing independence' when really it's just an excuse to not bother doing something. I rarely made my own daughter's evening meal after she was about 14 as she preferred to make something herself and ate earlier than us then see friends or whatever. When she was older she often did things after work then ate later, but the offer was still there. Supposedly teaching them life skills is often an excuse, I haven't been on a bus for over 30 years but could figure out the skill needed if I had to get one, I wouldn't need months of practice first 🙄 and getting kids to do their own laundry is just miserable.
When someone posts asking here how to have good relationships with their adult children, it starts with making them feel nurtured as children

I make my children's packed lunches and will until they leave school. To me, that's part of parenting.

I had free school meals at primary school then packed lunches at secondary school.

I can say with almost absolute certainty that my Mum never once made me a packed lunch throughout my entire school years, other than maybe the day of a primary school day trip.

I don't feel any less loved for it lol!

YANBU OP. You've given her options - she just has to choose which suits her best.

@thefamous5 exactly @Peonies12 15 absolutely is still a child

Don’t assume they will eat the lunch you make for them. I used to teach and frequently found lovingly made packed lunches in the bin.

I made my two their packed lunches until they left school at 18. Also put a few quid on their school account card every week so that they could buy more during break. Same as their friends. I worked full time too (and had free lunches myself as worked in an independent school). Yes, they were probably spoiled but they're very independent young adults now. Neither is overweight.

I made my own packed lunch in secondary school (I’m 39). My parents made dinner every night, washed my clothes, provided all the necessary things for me. I felt loved.

My kids are still primary age so I make all lunches (although they get free school lunch so it’s fairly rare I have to. But they’ve needed them for holiday club this week). I usually make DH packed lunch while I’m making dinner, but not always every day.

I’ve started getting my 9 year old to make his own breakfast. Not because I can’t put some cereal in a bowl for him. But because I think he should be learning these skills.

I think it’s a balance between teaching them skills and that everything isn’t just automatically done for them by me, and being a good parent providing for and loving your kids

I agree with this. They are still a child at secondary school, they suddenly do not develop independence / maturity once they hit 14 or 15. To me, making a packed lunch is the same as ensuring that they have clean uniform. It is part of the parcel of having a child who is at school.

They still need to learn to prepare food. It’s a life skill! I make a cooked meal from scratch every night and insist that we sit together at the table to eat. But by 15 they would grab their own breakfast and make themselves a sandwich or grab something from the fridge that I’d prepared to take for their lunch. It was better than me making them a cheese sandwich that would end up in the bin.

They can still prepare food in other ways, like helping with the cooking. I just can't understand why people seem so shocked that parents like or want to make their child lunch or breakfast, it won't stop them knowing how to prepare food.

She can't be arsed to make her own lunch so she wants more money to spend on shite?! Yeah. Don't we all love?!
I was making all my own meals and buying all my own food shopping at 14. If she would prefer a budget for all meals then when she runs out, it'll be beans on toast? I used to end up on pesto pasta half the week as I spent some of my food budget on fags, lol.
Just tell her you're not making her lunches. Or increasing the budget!

My parents made lunch all the time up to 18….and would even offer when I was living at home and working post Uni as they were making their own lunches. I appreciated it and turned into a perfectly normal self-sufficient adult!

I think it also normalized making a packed lunch every day rather than buying it. I always take a packed lunch/leftovers when I’m in the office now - it’s saved me a fortune and is nicer/healthier than anything the canteen offers.

My parents love language is probably food/provider based more than touchy feely emotion so it worked well for us.

I’m not shocked. I know plenty of people with older teenage/young adult DCs who still run round after them like they’re toddlers, tending to their every whim.

Exactly this!

I stopped because it was getting binned or left in the lunch box because the picky one “wasn’t in the mood” for whatever I’d made.

Eldest only ate one type of sandwich ever, middle one ate anything and was pleased with all of it, youngest went through phases of hating whatever she’d requested the weekl before.

So youngest was on Make Her Own by 14 because it was an expensive waste of food otherwise. She got £10 a week to supplement her packed lunch with things from the canteen (toast at break, a slice of pizza a couple of times a week)