to not want to move away with my husband.....

[mum2samandalex]

hes coming out the navy in a few months time and has been offered a job in fareham near southampton. The money is ok and its ideal job for him to ease into as it involves training parts of the navy although its a civillian job. Its about 3 hours away from where we live in devon so he could not commute there and back. Husband wants us all to move up there as we cannot afford to keep two places.But my family and friends are here. Ive just had a baby and i need my support network here. Its not like il be able to go out alot to make new friends. Id rather me and dh split up to be honest. I used to being away from him but not family and frineds. Having a baby also makes me relise how much my family will miss out on him and likewise.

Bloody hell - your problems sound far deeper than whether you should move away!

What abpout your poor husband missing out on his son - sod family and friends!

How's your relationship generally? Do you feel like leaving him anyway and this has brought it to a head, or is it 'if you do this you might as well leave'?

If you do want to stay together, could he stop over in Fareham a few nights a week and come home at weekends? Doesn't need to buy anywhere, just rent a one-bed or studio flat or even find a lodging.

Then, after six months or so, sit down and talk about how it's going - you might be more inclined to move then rather now with a tiny baby, or the working away from home thing might be going OK.

Can you get a place with a spare bedroom, and encourage friends and family to visit as much as possible,. It sounds like you've got used to doing without him, but do remember if he's back, you should have his support too,.

its all moving too quickly. Ideally id like us all to stay together obviuosly. Hes spent 9 years in the navy constantly being away etc missing out the kids.I didnt like it but i had to get used to it. I just feel like i want us to stay where we are instead of haiving to choose. When hes been away it was family and friends who have been there for me not him.And now if i move ther i will have no one but him and i guess im scared as its all new even seeing him every day will be weird. I want him to take this job as i know it will be good for him but i dont think i can move there with him. Things have been strained as im breastfeeding and tired and baby wont take the bottle so ive not had a night out with my friends or even quality time with dh. And if we move il have no one to go out with or a babysitter to call upon so dh and i can spend time togther.Im tearful all the time as it is as i want time out and time to go out.

It sounds like you value your family and your relationship with them above that which you have with your husband.

I think it's time for you to have a long hard think about your future of your marriage. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, and I know the idea of moving away must be difficult, but he's your husband and the father of your children.

Why won't you be able to go out and make new friends? There is quite a lot going on around Fareham for mums and babies/toddlers. And you will have a support network, you'll have your husband with you full time.

The other option is to make him turn down the job and look for one in Devon.

Have you spoken to dh about not wanting to move?

I can understand your worries...my Dad was in the navy and when he came out my mum's life and routines were completely changed...she was so used to being almost a single parent for alot of the time...

Sit down and discuss your worries with him....but a three hour jouney isn't the other side of the world - you would still see your family...

He will have his job prob will know people up there plus hes familiar with the area. Whereas im a stay at home mum and just feel i will be lonely up there. I gave my career up so we could start a family and i just feel like im always giving things up and supporting his career. I just wish he could find something down here.

Can he live in the Mess if he's a civvy? That would solve the problem and you could weekend. We've always weekended, unless he had a job in Guzz, but I did move out to Brussels as he had a second job out here, and six weeking to the Tamar Valley was a strain!

Is there a possibility that this job could transfer to Torpoint at some stage?

Fareham is OK. I grew up there, and there seems to be loads of support for people to go out and make friends....mother and baby groups, toddler groups if you have older ones. When I had ds (12.5 now), dh was off Scotland in a black tube, my Mum lived in Fareham, my in-laws lived up there too and my Dad lived near Liverpool. I managed for 5 years without my family about and dh sometimes about and then off to Northwood for 3 years, and I worked and then did my PGCE. I'd also been down in the Westcountry since 1986 without any family living down there until 1993, and then it was my brother who is also in the RN, and went to Fas Lane soon afterwards.

Basically, he's got a job and wants his family with him. Be practical...if you split how will you be better off? The situation would be the same if he was still in and wanted you to move to Fas Lane. I know that it's scary trying to deal with everything and you've had the baby, but I think YAB a bit U. Your family can always come to stay, the drive isn't that horrendous and the A303 is pretty in parts, or vice versa. I know it's tough trying to build a new support network, but it is do-able. It's what you make it really.

I understand exactly how you feel about not wanting to move away from your support network. I moved away from mine almost 2 years ago when Tom was 3 months old. DP lives in Scotland, so it's 425 miles from home. You will make friends with other mums in the area. I have and i'm not the most out-going person in the world. In fact, i've organised a picnic in the park for today!

I don't know if you were planning on going back to work. I work in Tesco, so just got a transfer. You could work a few hours and meet people that way! Give it a go.

I guess i just love my life down here and am settled the only thing was my husband was away all the time and i hated him missing out on the kids. Even a wkend daddy would be better then what it was.I havent had chance to tell him as hes too busy sorting things out.I guess i was worried about how things would be if he came out as you hear about couples breaking up etc.So im scared of moving up there and things not working out. It will be alot harder to move back on my own find somewhere to live etc. At the moment im living in mq's so the council would have to rehouse us.

DH and I have just been having the same discussion. I want to move back to Scotland next year, when DS1 finsihes year 6, DH will then have a year left in this god forsaken place. He doesn't want me to go to Scotland and live though. he wants us to stay here.

DPs dad is navy (which is why they are in Scotland) and is now a civilian.

Just noticed you're a SAHM. Theres still an option to go back to work, even if it's just a few hours to get you out. Do other navy families have a babysitting service between them? Take turns to babysit?

I'm probably a lot older than you, and my ds is older than your kids, but when I kicked in my career to move to Brussels I was shit scared. I'd established my life in Devon/Cornwall since 1986, my mum had retired to Tavi; my brother had moved back to Saltash from Fas Lane; ds was at an excellent prep; we had our own house; I loved teaching and was really happy, apart from dh being away in Brussels.

He got a second job here, and may get a third, so there was really no option, everything had to change. This was the first time in 22 years that I have moved for his job, and I really wasn't sure about it. However, I'm so glad I did. Yes, I miss Mum, but she comes out regularly, and we go back once a year to stay. I speak to her every day, and my pils a couple of times a week. Our marriage is really good, we have got to know each other again, and the spark is still there. We've spent 16 out of 22 years apart because of sea time and weekending, and it worked for us, but so does this. I knew no-one here except dh, but I got involved in ds's school, and run the Youth Club, go to a book group, do pilates, teach English to some mums, learn Dutch and am hoping to do my MA next year as I have the time to do it. I do more here than I ever did in Cornwall as I'm not working, and have had to make the effort to meet people. I'm shy and find it hard, but you have to do it.

I spent 3 months when we first moved here hating it, but now I'd quite happily stay here until dh leaves the RN, and if he can get a civvy job out here, then I'll stay til he's 65. Yes, it's a move, it's scary, there's a lot to organise, it'll be different, but life doesn't stay static, we have to change. It'll be easier to do if you do it willingly and look on it as an adventure, rather than dragging your heels. Look on the bright side, at least he has a job after the RN, lots don't.

Whats fareham like dh was on about mvoing to southampton as he thought it would be better.Im not sure if i even like the area or know what it has to offer. I just dont know what to do. Ive been really tearful this last week or so as things have been strained.

maybe theres more to it then or perhaps it just feels things are moving too quickly for me to take it all in. If we could id rather he just came at home at the weekends and for me to go up and get used to the area before making a decision but its not an option. I just dont know what fareham/southampton have to offer me. I love the devon beaches, countryside and moors couldnt think of a better place to bring up my kids.At the same time i want dh to take this job as i appreaciate hes lucky to get it.

I wouldn't move to Southampton..go to Fareham. Is he going to be working at Collingwood?

Are you going to buy or rent?

There are several estates up there, but older ones, so are quite spread out. I used to live off a road called Peak Lane, where the houses are 1960's semis and are quite large. The school I went to there was called Ranvilles and is still going strong, mil was a governor until recently.

My mum post divorce lived off Kiln Road, again, some of the houses there were quite spacious. I know that they are selling off some old MQs at Hillhead, and they were lovely, I always wanted to live in one of those if dh had ever got a Portsmouth job.

Titchfield is nice, but very expensive if you want to live in the village...pils lives there.

There is a new(ish) estate at Funtley with schools etc.

The area has lots to offer, it may not be as beautiful as Dartmoor, but there is plenty to do; the shopping is good, there are interesting places to visit, and London is a lot closer when the dcs are older. You are not far from the New Forest, and we used to go and fly kites up Portsdown Hill on a Sunday afternoon. There's a steam railway near Winchester called the Watercress line that have Thomas weekends, and they are great fun. Saw Seb Coe at one once.

If he is at Collingwood, he'll be better being in Fareham as the M27 is an absolute bugger in the mornings, especially the junctions for Fareham.

I always enjoyed visiting, and still do when we go stay with pils, as everything seemed closer, and the shops seemed more varied than Plymouth (before the new shopping centre...I moved here before that was finished). There is a huge M&S and Sainsbury's at Hedge End (off the M27 junction 10 I think), and a big Asda near Collingwood. There are also various Tescos and Sainsbury's dotted around, but I think Waitrose is in Gosport.

The problem is that things are going to change whether you like it or not. As you are in an MQ, you'll have to move anyway, so does it really make a difference whether it's to Fareham, or to a council house in Plymouth? You married him knowing what his job was and that it wouldn't be easy. He's doing his best to keep working...you have to help him with that or do you want him to withdraw his notice and stay in?

That is a hard choice. I think I would struggle too but would lean towards going with DP. My DH worked away for a long time and so I know what it is like, you kind of get used to it and doing things your own way, but even if you stay and split, your kids will have to spend some time 3 hrs away with DP.

I live in MQ's off Peak lane. I hate it here, but that's probably just becasue of how I feel mentally! it's fine if you like shopping

I used to live in Scafell Ave, off Longmynd Drive Saltire.

Lee on Solent is good for the kids to run around on the beach. We used to have to go for a walk there after Christmas lunch every year! Bracing. The Isle of Wight is great too...and I've never been to Gun Wharf, but I am going to insist mil and I go when I am over in July, in between taking ds to London to do the museums. He's only ever been to Waterloo station, as it's too far from Cornwall, but we are day running from Titchfield on the train, so it should be good.

about Hedge End Lapin. I got 20 minutes in Sainsbury's to buy peanut butter, squash and ginger wine when I was back for a funeral last month. You'll be close to Bicester shopping village and the Swindon outlet place (great Le Creuset shop) next. Lucky you....it's all chocolate here.

Fareham isn't that bad, honestly. I assume your DH's job would be at Collingwood? There's loads to do if you want to, as Scaryteacher and Littlelapin have said. We have the beaches on one side, the valleys and Downs on the other, and plenty in between.

There are more mum and baby/toddler groups than you can shake a stick at, and if your DH is at Collingwood (even as a civvie) there is lots going on there.

I would advise staying around Fareham and Gosport, the M27 is hideous for commuting (especially at the moment with the roadworks!) and rents are reasonable. My friend has a 4 bed house to rent with garage and nice gardens front and back, for around £800 pcm to give you an idea.

Try and go out for dinner with your DH and do some serious talking, maybe spend a weekend here if you think that would help.