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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say sometimes I just don't have the energy for the clean up of a special meal?

48 replies

Frogmarch89 · 13/08/2024 23:20

DH is a great cook and makes some amazing meals however the state he leaves the kitchen in is unholy and I'm always in clean up.

I'm on a training course all week in another city, 1.5 hours travel there and the same home plus full days of intense classroom learning. DH text me earlier saying he was making one of his special meals. I said ah don't worry we've not seen much of each other this week just throw on some of that stuffed tortellini that's in the fridge with some salad and garlic bread.

He insisted saying he fancied something nice. I said that would be great but I just don't have the energy for the clean up so would he mind sorting it.

Well he is not happy, saying cooking nice meals is how he shows his love. AIBU to say its annoying that all the invisible stuff like dishes and washing clothes isn't classed as showing love?!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/08/2024 23:24

Try telling him that Love is...not being put on Potwash for a slovenly cook that won't keep his station clean.

Turophilic · 13/08/2024 23:24

YANBU!
We had to alter the conventional arrangement of “one cooks, the other cleans up” to “if you cook, you clean up.”

Like your DH, mine wants to use every pot and utensil we own. I use one, maybe two pans and wash up as I go.

Cleaning up after I meal I make takes 5 minutes; after one of his it’s at least half an hour.

It’s great he wants to express his love through food. He can express his love through washing up as well.

Oodiks · 13/08/2024 23:24

You are not being unreasonable; it is annoying that most housework is invisible and never ending.

It's not showing love to insist on doing something that you've asked him not to do and then getting upset about it.

MumChp · 13/08/2024 23:27

So he gets the fun part and you are left with the boring stuff?

No way. You need to sort your household out.

MessageOnAWall · 13/08/2024 23:29

There was a poster on here, on a previous thread on this subject, who coined the wonderful term "male performance cooking".

Basically making a big song and dance about cooking, taking hours to make something precise using obscure ingredients (with leftover amounts you'll never use up) and using every pan and utensil in the kitchen. Oh, and insisting no one else is allowed in the kitchen whilst this masterpiece is created.

DoreenonTill8 · 13/08/2024 23:35

MessageOnAWall · 13/08/2024 23:29

There was a poster on here, on a previous thread on this subject, who coined the wonderful term "male performance cooking".

Basically making a big song and dance about cooking, taking hours to make something precise using obscure ingredients (with leftover amounts you'll never use up) and using every pan and utensil in the kitchen. Oh, and insisting no one else is allowed in the kitchen whilst this masterpiece is created.

100% this! Wonder if he'd make such a shit state if he knew he was clean up crew!

ErrolTheDragon · 13/08/2024 23:36

YANBU. In this instance it would have been much better for him to show his love by listening to what you needed when you got home exhausted which was simple food, companionship and rest. It's him that fancied a 'special meal' - but evidently not enough to clean up after himself.

Calliopespa · 13/08/2024 23:36

Turophilic · 13/08/2024 23:24

YANBU!
We had to alter the conventional arrangement of “one cooks, the other cleans up” to “if you cook, you clean up.”

Like your DH, mine wants to use every pot and utensil we own. I use one, maybe two pans and wash up as I go.

Cleaning up after I meal I make takes 5 minutes; after one of his it’s at least half an hour.

It’s great he wants to express his love through food. He can express his love through washing up as well.

Ditto in our house. Doesn’t always happen but it’s what I claim the rule is. 🤣 I honestly think sometimes the ceiling just about needs wiping after DH cooks - certainly the cupboards and worktops are pasted, And if I think hard about why I don’t like cooking all that much, it’s not the actual cooking bit , it’s the clean-up. Anyone is fine about cooking if they have a clean up minion, so the love is only half shown really.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/08/2024 23:36

I'm trying to think of a polite way to tell him "nothing says 'I love you' like expecting you to spend hours cleaning up after me" but I can't. Sorry!

LieutenantJumboJr · 13/08/2024 23:37

Whoever cooks, cleans up in my house

Calliopespa · 13/08/2024 23:38

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/08/2024 23:36

I'm trying to think of a polite way to tell him "nothing says 'I love you' like expecting you to spend hours cleaning up after me" but I can't. Sorry!

You forgot to add “ while I digest the meal I felt like eating…”!

Oodiks · 13/08/2024 23:43

My ex did the dishes while I did the cooking.

Worked well initially, but it got so he acted like the cleaning up was the main goal and I'd have to hide things while I was cooking, or he'd wash them while I was still using them!

Meadowwild · 13/08/2024 23:53

YADNBU. DH is the same. Every pan in the house for nice but unremarkable dinners that taste exactly like my one pan traybakes or stir fries or slow cooker curries and casseroles.

I said, 'Out of respect for you, I don't make recipes that leave you with a mountain of washing up I try to use one pan if I can - two or three maximum. Please do the same for me.' And he usually does. Or does the tidy up too. Or helps with it.

Can you tell him , 'A special meal is ruined if I then have to skivvy cleaning up after it for an hour when I'm shattered. I'd rather have spag bol and down time afterwards.'

If he can't hear this then the cooking is nothing to do with showing his love for you and all to do with priming his ego.

Meadowwild · 13/08/2024 23:54

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 13/08/2024 23:36

I'm trying to think of a polite way to tell him "nothing says 'I love you' like expecting you to spend hours cleaning up after me" but I can't. Sorry!

I'd say that!

Oodiks · 13/08/2024 23:57

Meadowwild · 13/08/2024 23:53

YADNBU. DH is the same. Every pan in the house for nice but unremarkable dinners that taste exactly like my one pan traybakes or stir fries or slow cooker curries and casseroles.

I said, 'Out of respect for you, I don't make recipes that leave you with a mountain of washing up I try to use one pan if I can - two or three maximum. Please do the same for me.' And he usually does. Or does the tidy up too. Or helps with it.

Can you tell him , 'A special meal is ruined if I then have to skivvy cleaning up after it for an hour when I'm shattered. I'd rather have spag bol and down time afterwards.'

If he can't hear this then the cooking is nothing to do with showing his love for you and all to do with priming his ego.

OP said, "ah don't worry we've not seen much of each other this week just throw on some of that stuffed tortellini that's in the fridge with some salad and garlic bread." and he sulked.

Calliopespa · 13/08/2024 23:58

Meadowwild · 13/08/2024 23:53

YADNBU. DH is the same. Every pan in the house for nice but unremarkable dinners that taste exactly like my one pan traybakes or stir fries or slow cooker curries and casseroles.

I said, 'Out of respect for you, I don't make recipes that leave you with a mountain of washing up I try to use one pan if I can - two or three maximum. Please do the same for me.' And he usually does. Or does the tidy up too. Or helps with it.

Can you tell him , 'A special meal is ruined if I then have to skivvy cleaning up after it for an hour when I'm shattered. I'd rather have spag bol and down time afterwards.'

If he can't hear this then the cooking is nothing to do with showing his love for you and all to do with priming his ego.

… or because he fancied eating it himself.

MrsBobtonTrent · 14/08/2024 00:00

We changed to if you cook, you clean up. It has encouraged more “clean as you go” and economy of utensils. But it’s not my problem anymore what sort of a mess is left. I enjoy being cooked for now as I’m not paying for it in excess cleaning.

GoFigure235 · 14/08/2024 00:06

Can you not just tell him "ok, but I'm afraid I'm exhausted so you'll have to be on clean-up as well as cooking if you go ahead".

Or leave the clean up for the morning?

TotHappy · 14/08/2024 00:09

Sounds like that is what she said though? And then he threw a strop. Which makes me think he knows exactly how exhausting the clean up would be.

Mintcake84 · 14/08/2024 00:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mondaytosunday · 14/08/2024 00:15

My DH loved to cook - it was his way of relaxing. But he was a tidy cook and cleaned as he went, so really it was just loading the dishwasher and cleaning any serving dishes.
Tell your husband it's not showing love if you are left with a huge mess.

Namechangeno · 14/08/2024 00:19

My absolutely lovely son has cooked the most amazing meals since being back home. The clearing up has been hideous…he is now in Australia and not sure when he is back. Give me his culinary mess over him being so far away!!!

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 14/08/2024 00:23

He insisted because he fancied it, knowing that you would be coming home exhausted and be lumbered with a massive clean up for the meal that he fancied making for himself. It's a bit worrying by if he can't see how self centred that is.

Way to show love by entirely overlooking the needs and wishes of the person you supposedly love!

Friendofdennis · 14/08/2024 00:29

He is doing it for his own enjoyment and satisfaction the cooking is the fun part isn’t it ?

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/08/2024 00:48

Fuck him. He cooks, he cleans.