To say sometimes I just don't have the energy for the clean up of a special meal?

[Frogmarch89]

DH is a great cook and makes some amazing meals however the state he leaves the kitchen in is unholy and I'm always in clean up.

I'm on a training course all week in another city, 1.5 hours travel there and the same home plus full days of intense classroom learning. DH text me earlier saying he was making one of his special meals. I said ah don't worry we've not seen much of each other this week just throw on some of that stuffed tortellini that's in the fridge with some salad and garlic bread.

He insisted saying he fancied something nice. I said that would be great but I just don't have the energy for the clean up so would he mind sorting it.

Well he is not happy, saying cooking nice meals is how he shows his love. AIBU to say its annoying that all the invisible stuff like dishes and washing clothes isn't classed as showing love?!

Make it a rule that whoever cooks also does the cleaning afterwards.

That's how I've always split chores. Week about one shops, cooks all meals for the week, cleans kitchen etc, one does eg laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming. Split so effort is even but it's amazing not to think about food for a whole week.

The thing is, the person who cooks gets to have a lot of praise and admiration.

No one is looking on admiringly while someone empties the bins, does the washing up, makes beds, sorts laundry, empties and loads the dishwasher. So these become invisible jobs.

I think you should point out to him that although he may enjoy the cooking (and making lots of mess), he is really doing it for himself as it doesn’t make YOU FEEL loved. Then tell him what he can do to make you feel loved, should he want to do so.

Also, he can cook if he wants but the rule going forward is the cook cleans up.

And?

I think you reply could you please just consider it from my viewpoint? When I am tired at the end of a busy day and walk into a kitchen full of lots of dirty dishes you’ve left for me, I do not feel loved. I feel very different from loved I assure you. I feel like I wish we could have just had a bloody omelette with a 10 minute clean up. And knowing that’s weighting for me takes some of the appeal from the meal too. Honestly me not having said anything earlier is me showing my love, that I know you love cooking and so I’ve sucked up the frankly crappy task of cleaning up after you. I really don’t feel up to that tonight.

Showing love is leaving a mess for someone else to clean up?

He needs to learn the difference between showing love and showing off his cooking skills.

Self indulgent twat.

Damn. Life was so much easier when men stuck to bossing the barbecue 😂

I feel for you OP.

I bet the smell was something else. Poor unwell children … 🤢

Can he clean as he goes?

I find I can do 90% of the washing up while cooking, and I’m already in the kitchen anyway.

And they would therefore be a more low-key and arguably sincere way of showing love.

Are you a male cook?

Thanks everyone. Glad I am not completely unreasonable! I think we need to look at how we do things. I like the idea of whoever cooks cleans as I am a tody cook and clean as I go!

Yes!

I’d have stabbed him with a razor sharp shard of his fucking crackling

YANBU OP , raging on your behalf!
He just wants to make a mess everywhere.

Trouble with these self taught chefs, they were never taught properly to tidy and clean as they go, they think they are great , but with an army of slaves.
First thing we girls were taught in school DS was to be organised, clean and tidy and not wasteful. Same as most were taught at home.
Some men then expect a round of applause and gratitude for producing a wonderous meal and a load of mess. Women go unappreciated for cooking the rest of the time without the fanfare. No thanks! If they cannot make a meal ithout leaving mess, then get a take out
Yes I know that some men can cook without fuss or mess, but Op’s situation seems very common on here

Um... nope. I'm a female cook.

Tbh it doesn't matter if they make a mess - as long as they clean up.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4191695-Male-performative-cooking-it-s-a-thing-isn-t-it

This is a wonderful thread!

It sounds like this meal is for him, not you.

He can express his love by making your life easier not harder.

Whoever cooks should do the clear up including pots and pans, the other should do the dishes and cutlery.

Yes. That's one reason. But it is also performative if he's telling her him making it is a sign of his love for her and so clearing up should be her return gesture.

Agreed! Showing love is showing consideration. He just wants praise for his meal but to not have to do any of the dirty underappreciated work.

A good chef cleans and washes as they go.

My husband used to make things from Jamie’s 30 minute meals. They probably were nice but eating them while in the totally destroyed kitchen was awful. I think it used to take me longer to clear up and wash up than it took him to cook.