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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a wedding one…

64 replies

Montasaurus · 13/08/2024 21:36

AIBU in 2024 to expect a thank you card/message after attending a wedding/celebration event?

I have attended three weddings this year. One cost literally thousands of pounds for myself and my OH because it was abroad (as were the hen/stag celebrations) plus we gave a monetary gift too.

Only one of these wedding couples has sent a thank you card post event (not the abroad one). AIBU for saying this is basic manners to send a thank you card? Horrified.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 14/08/2024 17:09

RosesAndHellebores · 14/08/2024 15:05

That's an interesting point. It should be mutual, but the invitation is traditionally from the Bride's parents and they are the hosts, so I think it falls upon the child of the host to send the thanks.

Funnily enough we paid half but didn't expect the invitations to say: Mr and Mrs DIL's name and Mr and Mrs Hellebores request the pleasure of your company 😉

There was no quibble about the cost of a stamp but I was very impressed that DS and DIL donated £5 a head to MIND instead of spending money on favors.

Show quote history

Regardless of who "hosted" and paid for the wedding the presents are for the bride and groom together. It is absolutely for both of them with equal responsibility to send thank yous.

AliTheMinx · 14/08/2024 17:10

Very poor manners..I absolutely agree, OP, and would be equally as horrified at such a lack of common decency.

MaryShelley1818 · 14/08/2024 17:16

I got married in 2008 and then again in 2018 (different person).
I sent thank you cards out after both.

Very basic good manners and etiquette. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where there wasn't a thank you card.

DinnaeFashYersel · 14/08/2024 17:20

I honestly think I've only received thank you cards once or twice in all my years of attending weddings.

Most people just say thank you

Toottooot · 14/08/2024 17:25

Horrified & abhorrant - simmer doon min. Yes - I did send cards before anyone asks.

DelurkingAJ · 14/08/2024 17:28

Took me a couple of months to write 120ish thank you letters. So some of them may be on the way?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/08/2024 17:39

No text message, phone call or face to face thanks have been offered

In that case I agree they're incredibly rude

I wouldn't be over-bothered about a formal written thank you, though I did it myself because it was the norm back then among people with manners, just so long as some sort of thanks were offered ... text, email or whatever

They don't even take up much time because a suitable message can be used for all with just the name and gift changed, but not to bother at all is as you say appalling

NotARealWookiie · 14/08/2024 17:48

I’m more than happy with a verbal “thank you for coming” don’t see the need for a written repeat.

Brainded · 14/08/2024 17:52

RosesAndHellebores · 14/08/2024 06:26

Because it's basic good manners to thank people for gifts.

In 1991 I wrote thank you letters. Standard format: how lovely to see you at our wedding, we were so glad you came; thank you so much for your gift of x (thoughtful, useful, beautiful), etc.; we have had a lovely honeymoon and are looking forward to the future - a full side of letter paper.

We got home from honeymoon on Saturday afternoon, the letters (about 60) were in the post on Monday morning. Together with letters of thanks to the: vicar, the flower ladies, the organist and choir, the string quartet and the caterers.

DS got married a couple of years ago. DIL sent personalised cards within two weeks of getting home. I'd have been disappointed if she hadn't.

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Oh how lovely…you wrote the same thing to everyone and just filled in the blanks!!? Hardly personal is it??🙄

RosesAndHellebores · 14/08/2024 18:13

Brainded · 14/08/2024 17:52

Oh how lovely…you wrote the same thing to everyone and just filled in the blanks!!? Hardly personal is it??🙄

Show quote history

How lovely to see that good manners are alive and well on MNet.

Of course there were personalised bits and at least I bothered as did DIL quite recently.

MrsToothyBitch · 14/08/2024 18:40

We went to 3 weddings last year and gave cards and gifts, declined an invite to a 4th - it clashed with one of the above- but sent a card and gift and we got married ourselves. We got three sets of thank yous, all within 3 months of the wedding, one couple didn't bother. I've only been to 1 other wedding prior really and they didn't bother either. It is a bit rude not to, in my opinion!

Ours were out within a week, thank yous for gifts, cards, attendance etc. I don't see the point in waiting for photos, so got them printed pre wedding. No honeymoon so we sat down and wrote them asap. I didn't feel comfortable not getting them out fast and we wanted them done before Christmas - winter wedding- and life got in the way!

KrisAkabusi · 14/08/2024 18:55

2AND2GC · 14/08/2024 08:53

Both parties need to send thank you cards:

The guest writes to the bride and groom to thank them for including them in their lovely day.

The bride and groom write to the guest to thank them for the present. They don't thank them for attending though.

Do you mean a card for the wedding/with the present? Or are you suggesting that guests are supposed to write a card when they get home after the wedding as well?

2AND2GC · 14/08/2024 19:01

KrisAkabusi

Either. I tend to send the present via the online registry and then send a nice card saying 'Just Married' or 'Mr and Mrs' straight after the wedding telling them how much I enjoyed it all, mentioning a few special highlights of the day, and thanking them for including us in their special day.

Babbahabba · 14/08/2024 20:58

A text/message would be enough for me. Cards just end up in the recycling bin.

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