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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It’s a wedding one…

64 replies

Montasaurus · 13/08/2024 21:36

AIBU in 2024 to expect a thank you card/message after attending a wedding/celebration event?

I have attended three weddings this year. One cost literally thousands of pounds for myself and my OH because it was abroad (as were the hen/stag celebrations) plus we gave a monetary gift too.

Only one of these wedding couples has sent a thank you card post event (not the abroad one). AIBU for saying this is basic manners to send a thank you card? Horrified.

OP posts:
Shawdee · 14/08/2024 09:57

RosesAndHellebores · 14/08/2024 09:51

@Shawdee not my experience at all. I would think your friends and acquaintances very rude and would have been disappointed if my DIL and DS had not thanked guests for wedding presents. It is expected even in the 21st Century. They are 29. Basic manners have not changed over the last 35 years.

All of the weddings I went to did thank us, massively face to face and then a lovely message a day or 2 later. They have basic manners. Not having basic manners would have been not acknowledging and saying thank you. Like I say maybe it's regional, these things matter to some people and not others. It's just not the done thing at all where I'm from. And the letter would be a waste and binned, because it could have been said in a phone call or text message.

Ps, it's ok to have a different opinion to someone. It doesn't make people rude. You just have different expectations and by the sound of it that's how it is where you are from and the circles you move in. That's ok. So are my friends and family to not do that.

Original poster
Montasaurus · 14/08/2024 13:11

@RosesAndHellebores i agree with your response.

No text message, phone call or face to face thanks have been offered. The abroad wedding was the end of May. They had their first look photographs within a week of being married (plastered over socials).

When we got married three years ago, it was a similar turnaround of

OP posts:
Original poster
Montasaurus · 14/08/2024 13:13

(Pressed send too soon)

… timescale for the first professional shots. I selected one and sent them within 2 weeks of our wedding date to all that had sent gifts or cards regardless of whether they were at our wedding or not.

I find it abhorrant and incredibly rude that people that we spent a lot of money and time on, couldn’t do this basic thing. Manners cost absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 14/08/2024 13:17

Sapphire387 · 13/08/2024 21:37

I would expect a thank you for the gift... not especially for the attendance.

But what if your presence is their present?

Sarvanga24 · 14/08/2024 13:20

I have given gift cards (not huge, but not insignificant amounts either) to two different friends' children when they married in the last couple of years, in wedding cards passed to the parent. Given the social set-up, I wouldn't have been 'expected' to have given a gift, but it pleased me to so that's fine - I get that it was my choice.

I have never received acknowledgement of either, which now leaves me in the uncomfortable position of not knowing whether they were received or mislaid. I can easily foresee that either parent could have forgotten to pass on the cards, both of which were given a bit in advance of the wedding as that's when I was seeing them.

It feels awkward to ask, as feels like I was looking for thanks, which isn't really the case (although it wouldn't have hurt). This means I will probably not bother to do this again.

So, parents - teach your children to say thank you, it may financially benefit them in the future! 😉

Whalewatching · 14/08/2024 13:27

It’s just good manners I think. Obviously the split in the voting at the moment reflects the fact that some people don’t think that thats a big deal. Presumably they wouldn’t care if they went to the trouble of giving an expensive gift or amount of money and there was no acknowledgment.

Champagnebar · 14/08/2024 13:29

RosesAndHellebores · 13/08/2024 21:40

Thank you card for the gift is non negotiable.

I agree. I'm still waiting to hear back from a couple of weddings I attended (both over 4 years ago) with a thank you for a cash gift.

It's rude not to thank people

G5000 · 14/08/2024 13:43

Sending actual cards or letters is an outdated custom only useful to judge women for another thing. Nobody in my circle except for MIL does it any more, I don't even know where the post office is. And yes of course it's always women, the husbands are not judged for not sending cards, are they.

Face to face/text/email thanks is plenty and gifts should not come with strings attached - you're only getting it in exchange of a personalised letter!

PfishFood · 14/08/2024 13:55

Montasaurus · 14/08/2024 13:11

@RosesAndHellebores i agree with your response.

No text message, phone call or face to face thanks have been offered. The abroad wedding was the end of May. They had their first look photographs within a week of being married (plastered over socials).

When we got married three years ago, it was a similar turnaround of

We got the first look photos within a week too and selected one of those and asked for the full image to get thank you's printed. Only chose one so as to not put too much work on the photographers and they were more than happy to send it.

I think it was 6-8 weeks for the full wedding photos to be available, but even if they chose to wait for all of them to be ready you should have had it by now.

Unfortunately there are too many people that just don't say thank you any more.

We have a few social functions at work each year, fully covered by the company. Out of 20 people there are usually 2 or 3 that actually say thank you for it. Or the Christmas bonus they get plus gifts...

It's really not that difficult and often (wedding thank you's aside) doesn't cost you anything!

JumpingAtShadows1 · 14/08/2024 13:56

We sent thank you notes

its common courtesy

DappledThings · 14/08/2024 14:07

DS got married a couple of years ago. DIL sent personalised cards within two weeks of getting home. I'd have been disappointed if she hadn't.
Would you have been disappointed in just her or in both of them? It reads as though you consider it entirely the responsibility of the woman.

We sent cards to everyone who gave us a present within a month of the wedding. We sat down and wrote them together so it was an equal task.

Globetrote · 14/08/2024 14:14

We sent personal handwritten thank you cards 6 weeks after our wedding. According to wedding etiquette stuff online they should be sent within 3 months.

My aunt sent me a text 2 weeks after our wedding asking where her thank you card was, which given we were on honeymoon for that 2 weeks after the wedding I thought that was an unreasonable expectation. Aunt got married 18 months later and invited us to her wedding ceremony only so maybe she still had the hump that she didn’t get a thank you within 2 weeks.

TortillasAndSalsa · 14/08/2024 14:38

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/08/2024 21:46

I'd rather get a prompt handwritten note. The photos delay proper thanks and just end up in the bin.

Show quote history

I spoke with all guests on our wedding day and thanked them for coming and bought them a drink. I am hand writing a thank you note id just like a nice picture for the front of it. I posted my comment on this thread yesterday and my photographer has got back to me today with all my photos so I can do what I set out to do. I got married 2.5wks ago so not like I've left it months and months.

SummaLuvin · 14/08/2024 14:43

I would expect a thank you - a text, a digital card, or physical. I think the etiquette is within 3 months, so it might still be coming if the wedding was late May.

TheSandgroper · 14/08/2024 14:46

I had notepaper printed with a little decoration as part of my invitation order.

So, wedding, honeymoon, pack up and move continents and a wrist under repair. I had all mine hand written and done within a month.

Sometimes, doing things properly matters, whether it’s appreciated or not.

Rycbar · 14/08/2024 14:47

I sent thank you cards after our wedding but it was a month or so after. We went on our honeymoon and then I was straight back to work (teacher) so getting them printed and then writing them all did take time. We married mid August and I’d say cards were sent end of September!

PrettyPines · 14/08/2024 14:50

Not at £1.35 a stamp no.

I think it's a bit old fashioned, I would expect a text though yes. It's the equivalent, you're taking time to say thank you in a message.

CatamaranViper · 14/08/2024 14:50

We got married a few years ago now and never sent thank you cards.
I either thanked them in person or over the phone. Seems so wasteful to send out cards.

Malcorange · 14/08/2024 14:51

I think a thank you card is only needed where you sent a gift but didn’t attend. At a wedding I went to recently the guests were thanked profusely in the speeches, and bride and groom thanked everyone they spoke to after the ceremony. That’s enough.

JusteanBiscuits · 14/08/2024 14:59

We sent out thank you postcards. Not personalised as we were both working 70 hour / 7 days a week at that point (thanks Millennium Bug!!!) just a thank you for spending the day with us type message which we had wrote while on our week long honeymoon and posted when home.

I have never given a gift with any expectation of a thank you. If I'm worried something hasn't arrived I'll text and ask.

circular1985 · 14/08/2024 15:03

@Montasaurus

No text message, phone call or face to face thanks have been offered. The abroad wedding was the end of May. They had their first look photographs within a week of being married (plastered over socials).

Did they not thank people during speeches at the wedding?

Cards are massively outdated, a faff, and most people throw them straight in the bin. Waste of paper. A sincere verbal thank you at the wedding and a good party are enough.

PoppysAunt · 14/08/2024 15:05

TortillasAndSalsa · 13/08/2024 21:42

I am planning on sending personalised thank you cards but I need my photographer to send me my pictures first so I can carry out my plan

Don't bother with the pictures, just send a personalised thank you for the gifts

RosesAndHellebores · 14/08/2024 15:05

DappledThings · 14/08/2024 14:07

DS got married a couple of years ago. DIL sent personalised cards within two weeks of getting home. I'd have been disappointed if she hadn't.
Would you have been disappointed in just her or in both of them? It reads as though you consider it entirely the responsibility of the woman.

We sent cards to everyone who gave us a present within a month of the wedding. We sat down and wrote them together so it was an equal task.

That's an interesting point. It should be mutual, but the invitation is traditionally from the Bride's parents and they are the hosts, so I think it falls upon the child of the host to send the thanks.

Funnily enough we paid half but didn't expect the invitations to say: Mr and Mrs DIL's name and Mr and Mrs Hellebores request the pleasure of your company 😉

There was no quibble about the cost of a stamp but I was very impressed that DS and DIL donated £5 a head to MIND instead of spending money on favors.

AmiablePedant · 14/08/2024 15:10

DinnaeFashYersel · 13/08/2024 21:39

Thank you cards are a thing of the past for most people.

The rest are raging.

Documentation? Data? Footnotes? Or are "most people" you and your best friends? Beware Global Generalization!
I am definitely fashing myself, lassie.

Foxblue · 14/08/2024 15:29

I would be slightly annoyed if someone sent me a thank you card rather than a text - what a waste of paper, for something you will throw away within a week. The planet is dying, people. Weddings (as much as I love them) already produce giant amounts of waste, so why not avoid it where you can.
Also it's a bit unfair to say someone is 'incredibly rude' not to send a card - just because something is your tradition, doesn't mean it's someone else's. It's not fair or right to assume every person you meet or know shares the same customs as you, surely.