to not want to deal with my husbands "oh poor me" behaviour?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

So I returned to work full-time a few weeks ago after 5 months maternity leave. I'm up at 5:45am every weekday morning to get to work for 7:45am and then leave work at 4pm to collect DD at 5pm.

From the moment I get home, I am playing with DD, cleaning, tidying, doing laundry, preparing meals etc. My husband and I were in the kitchen together last night talking about his parent issue and I was listening, commenting and being very supportive. I was complimenting his behaviour in the situation etc.

So I finally get my bum on a seat by 9pm or so and am knackered. We're giving DD her night feed and notice that her grobag is broken. DH decides that now (during her night feed) is the time to fix it rather than just get another one, get her comfy, fed and back to sleep.

I tell him that we should just replace it and he gets all cranky about it; tells me to support DD's head whilst he's trying to (incorrectly btw) repair it. He then tells me that I'm standing in his light .

I, very quietly, tell him to stop messing around and grab a new grobag and put it in her cot, lay her in it and finish her feed. Job done.

So, whilst we are getting ready for bed, he tells me that I am nasty and that he feels unloved as I have no time for him . So, I ask him to clarify what he means (if my behaviour is out of line, I want an example so that I know what's ticking him off so I don't do it again); he says that he can't think of a specific example there and then.

Am I being unreasonable to a) feel really p*ssed off at his "oh, poor me" attitude and b) to feel like exploding because all I bloody well do is give and get naff all in return.

Sorry to vent, I'm angry!!

I'll be honest dp has always been like this more so when ds was a baby his 3 this month when his off i give him free time lay in's etc now i make sure twice a month i go out and leave them together also found when ds got to about 14 months dp felt more at ease with him and started doing more he found he didn't know what to do with a baby and i was a natural tell him how well his doing with baby

When he has her build his confidance my mum said my dad was the same they just don't know what to do. Make sure you have nice time together i found i was abrupt and not asking as nice as i could of when changing it found his actions to me changed and wanted to do more and in return i wanted to do more for him to as we were liking each other again. Babies change who you are and you really need to

To pull together let him have a day but tell him you will have the other on the weekend so you both get some free time don't ask just tell him he may be annoyed but if you don't they very rarely offer and will just take all the time to themselves I've had this for 3 years but he is great now and we get on great now. Hope you feel better soon. Hate using phone it's so annoying ha ha.

DH was like this when DS was a baby - took a couple of years for things to improve. Keep asking him to look after/do stuff. Don't fall into the trap of avoiding asking for childcare etc because you don't want attitude back - as you'll end up just getting cross and resentful.

Thanks for the support everyone. Don't you think that it's awful though that we should "ask" for help with our children? Why don't the father's see that they have equal responsibility? Are they just not very clever?

A lot of fathers, at this stage, don't see the child as anything to do with them. They also may not have the same standards you hold yourself, fear criticism and decide it's better to let you do it all yo9ur way - and therefore do it all!

Let him do stuff, let him cock it up, let him do it his own way. If he cocks it up so badly it upsets your daughter, then he'll learn because she'll cry - and while he's taking his turn, what she does is for him to deal with! He'll soon learn to please her.

I never asked for help with my children, I told their dad what they needed.

IE

"Ds needs to have milk now. Are you busy?"

Or "Ds's nappy needs changing. Are you busy? I am cooking."

I don't understand why she should have to "ask for childcare". He's the father, ffs! He's not babysitting - he's raising the child with her! But then, I really despise this attitude of "some men are not good with babies, but are better with toddlers" nonsense. It's his child! Maybe some women are better with toddlers than with babies, too, but they adapt. You learn to deal with it. This is not some random baby - it's his child! What a cop out! The only way someone gets better with babies is by spending time with the baby and learning to deal.

I can see where people are going with this "talk to him" thing, but this baby is 5 or 6 months old and he still hasn't figured this stuff out yet? How immature.

Colditz is absolutely right. He'll learn by trial and error, just as you did (and as we all do).

When DH is doing things (re house or baby), I just let him get on with it. I don't tell him how to do it, unless he specifically asks. He does some things differently than I do them, but the end result is pretty much the same, so that's fine with me.

Colditz - you make an excellent point. So this is what I do - very politely of course but am told that this is "bossing" him around. I simply can't win. I love my husband dearly but he is making it VERY hard for me to continue doing so....

He's being oversaensitive, probably because he's tired.

You really need to tell him how this oversensitivity is making you feel, because he's using "You hurt my feelings" to shut you up and stop you objecting to him leaving you with the donkey work.

Rather than saying "You've left her in a dirty nappy, now she's sore and it's your fault!" try wording it "She's crying because she is sore. Why is she sore?"

make him find the answers himself. Giving him the answers causes laziness and childishness. Making him answer the questions you ask will make him think about his accountability when it comes to your daugther.

ooops I didn't mean to word that "ask for childcare" so contentiously - as I do thoroughly agree with both you and Colditz triggles.

If you are doing everything, and he doesn't like to be told/asked to do things, then you might find that an agreed task list is the way to go. When I first went back to work, this ran something like: DH - cook dinner, do nappy wash, pack nursery bag, online food shop. CMOT- wash bottles/sterilise/decant EBM, mostly take DS to nursery and collect, do dishwasher and sort laundry, bedtime

This meant that we weren't bickering over who had or hadn't done stuff, and it was all very clear as to what he was going to do.

At weekends we both get a lie in one day, but there is no 'me' time scheduled for either of us. Everything is done together, apart from swimming when DH does any DIY/garden stuff that needs sorting.

Of course, a nice business trip occasionally also helps to mean that DH realises all the things that need to happen..

As others have said, this is really, really common. It isn;t about your husbad being unreasonable, it's about both of you trying to adjust and being tired and cross and jittery. Talk to him. Get away for an evening and put your point of view across, then LISTEN to what he has to say, which mught surprise you .

Also, make your life as easy as possible - DH also does the 'does it need to be done NOW'? thing which does irritate me but he's possibly right... can you relax your standards a bit? Can you get in a cleaner/send your ironing out?

I think you need to get the weekend thing sorted out - weekends are not your turn for looking after your baby, they are a chance to spend time together. Maybe a compromise: do family stuff 1 day out of 2, take it in turns to have a lie in, and he goes to the gym during his lunchbreak rather than first thing?

There is lots of stuff you can BOTH do to make this a bit easier (though it is still going to be bloody hard) but the ideas need to come from both of you. I felt a bit like I was responsible for sorting DH's life and routine out once I'd got back to work - he disabused me of that one

The best advice I know for getting through these times is to be kind to each other

oh and it is NOT personal. He isn;t snapping at you because he hates you/thinks you're a bad mother/isn't interested in you any more. He's just a new parent trying to adjust (as are you).

TBH I'm surprised DH and i didn't kill each other in the first year. God it was awful...

Okay have sent DH a task list for us both (thanks cmotdibbler) - will let you know the outcome.

Just a note of caution Marie: I tried this with DH and he went ballistic ... if you are doing a task list it would be easier to draw it up between you rather than imposing it on him.

Then again, your DH mightbe less bloody minded than mine

Men tend to bottle up how they really feel and take it out on us we tend to snap as you feel there not doing it right they feel spare part un sure sacred need's to be talked through i was so suprised to hear how my dp felt and realised was part my fault we now talk share work i do main parenting as he works away and long hours but we

Appreciate each other I'll tell him how i feel also not trying to imply anything but lack of sleep and juggling work is hard as well as dealing with baby i went to my gp and found i had borderline pnd don't be afraid to ask gp if you feel really low it is tough support each other and communicate try to keep some quality time of an evening to kiss and cuddle and talk.

Appreciate each other I'll tell him how i feel also not trying to imply anything but lack of sleep and juggling work is hard as well as dealing with baby i went to my gp and found i had borderline pnd don't be afraid to ask gp if you feel really low it is tough support each other and communicate try to keep some quality time of an evening to kiss and cuddle and talk.

Can I just suggest that if you have emailed your DH a task list that you follow it up with another email suggesting that if he is not happy with the list you suggested, can he do his own and you can compare them and come to a compromise. If I'm really honest if DH sent me a task list I'd be majorly pissed off.

Having said that, I also want to add my support to you. because it does semm that he is abdicating all responsibility for the baby to you and that is really unfair, but unfortunately, all too common ime.

I sent the email asking if there is anything that he would change or add - let's hope that I'm not seen as being "bossy" or "nasty".

I don't feel like I have PND or feel depressed in any true way to be honest. I do feel down because I feel like a slave.

Effieperine - thanks for your note about "doing things now". The issue however, is that DH will simply expect me to do whatever later on rather than there and then. I do things early on in the evening so that I have got everything out of the way and then get at least half an hour to myself. It really p*sses me off that when I'm running around like a headless chicken, the only reason he tells me to sit down is because I've pinged his sense of guilt for doing feck all. It's nothing to do with encouraging me to relax.

Well, knock me down with a feather! He's come back to me regarding the list saying that he thinks it is fair.... thanks for the suggestion!

We're going to give the list a week and see how we go with it and then revisit it if necessary.

Thanks for all of your support. I'll keep you posted.

Now you really need to have a night out,
well done!

Excellent news ! It was my DH that came up with the suggestion in the first place, so I hoped it would be of use.

Another thing that might be interesting to use if that if your DH has Outlook and a phone that syncs to it, you can send meeting requests (and vice versa)for times that he needs to pick up/doctors appointments etc, so not only can he not claim to not remember you telling him, his phone will beep at him to remind him that he should be going home now.. This one came from my colleague who has three kids, aged 14 to 1, a workaholic husband, and a full time job that involves travel.

A cleaner is a real help in all this too - mine does a full clean, tidies (shes just sorted out the utility room), irons, and generally keeps us on track, for an incredibly reasonable rate.