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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone died and I'm devastated

34 replies

hulahops88 · 13/08/2024 19:30

Just found out today my Nan died year ago today, none of my family bothered to tell me?

I have been estranged from them since 2020 due to Informing my aunt and uncles about my mum abuse towards me.

It was my mum mum who died!
Found out all the other family got. share of 2.4 million pounds! If my grandad was here today I would of got some of that,
I tried and tried to maintain contact and meet face to face once I spilt my secret!

And I tried many times to contact my aunt uncles to meet up and discuss this. Eventually they all blocked me!

In 2020 I was in contact with my Nan before the I contacted everyone regarding my mum abuse, I feel to this day - don’t believe a word of anything I say! My dad hasn’t had much contact due to them cutting contact with him as well! He is very angry principal of just being told and invited to the funeral would of course be wanted and needed for myself and my brother, who are devastated about losing their Nan!

My Nan 2 years after we told them
About my mum, basically changed the will,
Because we hadn’t been In contact for many years and doesn’t know if we married or had any children, that same year I was over my nans in the spring, so this is total BS, for me this was pushed to happen by one of my aunts or uncles.

In 2021 I sent letters to all family members on my mums side and they all ignored me!
So they was contact and birthday and Christmas cards, they knew where my dad lived and l both his numbers yet no contact.
When my mum died we invited lots of folks who hadn’t seen her for 5-10 years
Why couldn’t my family just allowed me to come to funeral and say goodbye??

How would you feel about this??
AIBU to to want to of been invited to a funeral of a family member at one stage I was really close to would see every Sunday!

OP posts:
notleastbitsurprised · 13/08/2024 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NoodleNuts · 13/08/2024 19:37

I'm sorry for your loss but if you are estranged from your family then no, I wouldn't expect them to tell you anything.

A lot of your post is very difficult to understand but rightly or wrongly, it seems that your mum's parents and siblings took her side regarding whetever went on and decided that they wanted nothing to do with you.

Starlingexpress · 13/08/2024 19:38

Why is the money relevant?

twojumps · 13/08/2024 19:40

Starlingexpress · 13/08/2024 19:38

Why is the money relevant?

The money is always relevant Wink

DollopOfFun · 13/08/2024 19:40

It sounds like they went NC with you.

CapitanSandy · 13/08/2024 19:41

I’m sorry for your loss it sounds hurtful and a shock too.

bloodyeffinnora · 13/08/2024 19:44

you can always check the will yourself on gov.uk

butterfliesandrainbows2022 · 13/08/2024 19:44

It does come across your more upset about not being included in the money

SauviGone · 13/08/2024 19:47

I don’t understand how you were no contact due to your mums abuse of you, but then you say…
When my mum died we invited lots of folks who hadn’t seen her for 5-10 years

In fact I can’t make head nor tail of your whole post.

LindorDoubleChoc · 13/08/2024 19:48

It's quite long and rambling but if you are estranged from the family then why would you expect to be informed of a death or included in a will?

PistachioFrapp · 13/08/2024 19:50

No idea what it has to do with your dad or brother or whether they knew you had kids.

But, fundamentally you had not had much contact for around 4 years so no, this doesn't surprise me at all.

You set off a bomb in the family and they all sided against you which must be very distressing, but any individual could have contacted you at anytime if they wanted to, including your Nan. They didn't and sadly that's unlikely to change now.

stayathomer · 13/08/2024 19:51

Op hopefully you have/ you are making a life for yourself where you’re happy. You weren’t in contact, maybe not by your choice. I’m so sorry

edwinbear · 13/08/2024 19:54

I don’t think you can go NC and still expect to be included in a will. It sounds like there was a lot of bad feeling all round so it’s not that surprising. Would you be so upset if there was no cash involved?

OkPedro · 13/08/2024 19:57

Christ go easy people 😏 the post may be rambling but is there a need to stick the boot in? The op said her Mum abused her and people are saying "Your family cut YOU off"

SaintHonoria · 13/08/2024 19:58

You had a family falling out and haven't seen any of them for years so it's quite reasonable that no one would contact you if one of them died.

Uricon2 · 13/08/2024 19:58

All about the money OP I think. I've gone (seriously) NC and didn't expect a penny. Admit to yourself that's why you're angry, deal with it and move on, because it sounds like any future contact from you will be blocked.

Catapultaway · 13/08/2024 19:59

You're not unreasonable to feel you would have liked to go. But neither are they unreasonable in not wanting to invite you. Let's be honest, it sounds like it would have created a bit of an atmosphere that nobody would want, let alone at a funeral.

socks1107 · 13/08/2024 19:59

You went nc.
When my mil sadly dies we won't be telling my stepdaughter. Her choice to cut everyone off, she can't come and go when the occasion suits.

Sorry you feel aggrieved but that's a consequence of no contact

Cityandmakeup · 13/08/2024 20:00

This makes no sense?

BESTAUNTB · 13/08/2024 20:03

I’m sorry for your loss OP. She was obviously a key part of your childhood.

Schoolchoicesucks · 13/08/2024 20:10

Sorry to read of your mum's abuse and that you had no support from the wider family.

I don't know whether you did try to keep in touch with your nan, but it sounds as though you didn't stay in contact in the years before her death. And she would have been entitled to change her will. It sounds as though your mum's death came before you disclosed the abuse and your family stopped contact.

Was your brother in contact and in the will?

Justsayit123 · 13/08/2024 20:12

Why dont you get a copy of the will to out your mind at rest about the money side. As for the relationship element, it’s tough to deal with.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 13/08/2024 20:37

@hulahops88 have you been drinking? your post is really confusing and badly written!

CountessWindyBottom · 13/08/2024 20:40

This is very odd. So the timeline is that you hadn't been in touch with your Grandmother for years and she didn't even know if you were married or had children.

Then in 2020, you contacted your Grandmother to tell her that her daughter (your mother) abused you and your brother.

In 2021, you reached out to extended family (on your mother's side) and was ignored by everyone.

In 2022, your Grandmother's will was changed and you think this was at the request of your aunts and uncles.

Your mother died in the midst of all of this and you invited lots of people to attend the funeral, some of which you hadn't seen for 5-10 years.

I'm sorry about the death of your Grandmother but are you sure that this isn't about the Will as it's odd to mention that she bequeathed £2.4million.

RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames · 13/08/2024 20:42

OkPedro · 13/08/2024 19:57

Christ go easy people 😏 the post may be rambling but is there a need to stick the boot in? The op said her Mum abused her and people are saying "Your family cut YOU off"

I think maybe the issue is going on about the will? That shouldn't factor into this. I may be biased though as I've never had any inheritance (both parents alive), nor have I ever thought about it. It's someone else's money.

I am truly sorry you didn't get to say goodbye properly and the way your Mum treated you. I am NC with my Mum for similar reasons. I know her Mum left us something in her will (we were children so my Mum took it but I don't care), but I loved my Granny so much and even 30 years later I wish she was here or I'd gotten to give her a proper goodbye.