To think my sister shouldn't support my bullying SIL?

[HurtingSister]

Long story short.....

I had a very difficult upbringing, along with my 2 sisters. Alcoholic father always, alcoholic mother from our teenage years, narcissistic mother, enabling father - you get the picture. Am no contact with my parents for 5 years now. My youngest sister became a drug addict and has had a really difficult life. I'm the eldest and there's two years between me and my next sister...let's call her Terri.

Terri is the person I'm wondering about in the title of this thread. Terri and me don't have a close relationship. We used to. But over time, we have drifted away and are not in communication much, bar the odd letter here and there. I find Terri difficult, demanding, quite like my mother in many ways and also quite bullyish. Hence the reason for our diminished contact.

I'm married and my husband's sister is horrible to me. She belittles me, looks down on me, makes nasty comments to me. I tried to talk to her about it, text her, sent her a bunch of flowers. This took a lot out of me as I'm a lot quieter than her by nature. I'll still chat to people no problem, it is just that she is loud and very conversation dominating. She ignored my text and flower efforts. I then, with the help of my counsellor, wrote her a letter and apologised if I was doing anything that might be upsetting her unbeknownst to myself and asked her if we could draw a line in the sand and move on together as a united family. Again, ignored. I was shocked, upset, embarrassed etc. I've had to be in her company since at family events and she continues to make snide remarks at me, talk badly of me behind my back, slag me off etc. She told my husband that I have "stolen" him from her. I find this to be a very odd statement, given she is 5 years older than him, went to boarding school and then to uni in another part of the country. So he hadn't lived with her since he was 8 years old. I have never, ever prevented him from seeing her or her family and in fact I have always encouraged him to. I try to act like normal, friendly and polite towards her at all times. She has also told my husband that I am a "bad daughter" for being no contact with my parents. Despite all of this, I can't think of a single thing I have ever done to this woman and I am completely flabbergasted by her hostility.

I told my sister Terri about my sister in law's behaviour and how upset I was by it. Two weeks later it was my sister in law's birthday. My sister Terri posted a lengthy birthday message to my sister in law (they don't even know each other too well) saying, "happiest of birthdays Susan. May you have the most wonderful birthday ever and I hope you get spoiled rotten. Lots of love, Terri xxxxxxx" and loads of heart emojis etc plastered all over it.

I was hurt by this as I thought Terri, as my sister, wouldn't champion someone who is hostile towards me. AIBU?

sounds awful bless you i had had nothing at all from my husband's family my 50th the other week not even a happy birthday when they turned up at my house the next day not even a card they mock me all the time i understand not getting on with family they are in there own little world it is not worth destroying your own sanity with that you can only be yourself do not argue with them my mother in law now has dementia life is cruel

Don't waste your tine on these horrid self centred idiots, infact at the next family doo she makes another comment say out loud in front of everyone do not dare ever speak to me in this way you've done it time and time over and I'm not standing for it anymore trll her also to put a sock in it and if she doesn't like it then don't float about where your presence us required.... your worth 100 of those 2 ten times over, they must have so e serious self esteem and feel threatened by your beautiful image and personality which blows them out the water 💧 love who you are and give 2 fuks about anyone who looks and talks to you in this way xxx feel free to end me a message if you need an ear xx

@HurtingSister kindly, you say you have tried to talk to SIL but why are you apologising and asking her to draw a line under it? That’s like admitting you’re at fault. She is a manipulative bully and she and Terri are the same time. Telling Terri was an error but too late to undo. Just don’t tolerate their bullshit. Don’t contact them. If either is rude to them stand up for yourself! Don’t enable their bad behaviour. You don’t have to row or be rude - you can say “no thank you, that doesn’t work for me” or “I don’t reply to rude requests” and so on. Draw your own line of standards and don’t get drawn in to their silliness.

Why on earth did your counsellor advise you to write a letter apologising to your SIL…?

You tried being nice to your SIL. You tried apologising (which was a ridiculous thing to do). There are only two other options to deal with the bitch. Either you stand up to her or you have nothing further to do with her. It doesn’t sound like you’re strong enough to do either at the moment, but with the help of a new. properly qualified BACP therapist you would be able to cut her and your sister off. Your children won’t miss out from you not seeing your SIL or Terri and will benefit from having a mother that isn’t being bullied.

Has your husband ever had therapy? He needs counselling too.

This broke my heart a little... I can relate to this and in the past I've tried everything to get people to like me and stick around... its exhausting! You sound absolutely lovely! Please stop trying to "win" ger friendship... some people just don't think like us. It makes you so very vulnerable!
Hold your ground...but stop trying to get her to like you. You sound too nice for shitty people like that in your life!
Be civil... but do your own thing.... I can guarantee that will rock her... atm she's got all of the control. Take it back... you absolutely don't need to be her friend or need validation by her liking you.
Good luck with it all! Remember your worth 🥰

Your husband should be standing up for you to his horrible sister! You are his top priority. Your sister sounds like she is being overly lovely to this awful woman just to be mean to you. Withdraw from both of them. No one needs this crap from their inlaws and no one has to take it. Stop trying to curry favour with them both.

@HurtingSister - What you've done (if you've done it as you described in your OP) with this sister is try to explain your situation to her with a hope that she will see your side of things and accept them and be your best buddy or even less of an arse towards you as a result.

Unfortunately that isn't going to happen so when @JumpingAtShadows1 suggests you stand up for yourself, this means treating her open hostility not with kindness, but indifference. If she doesn't get a reaction out of you, then it'll really piss her off more so than you sending her a bunch of flowers. I mean really, who sends flowers to someone who is treating them like shit??

You should go to an assertiveness class so that you can understand when you're standing up for yourself and when you're not. You & your husband need therapy to deal with the terrible hands you've been dealt when it comes to families but in the meantime, I'd significantly reduce communications with Terri and stop looking for approval from your SiL, as it probably looks like desperation from her position.

You are not being unreasonable if that was Terri's intention, but obviously Susan knows Terri is your sister and it could have been Terri's way of annoying Susan. Like you can keep being vile but we will still be nice because we haven't done anything wrong. The words she used seem ott for someone she barely knows, I read it sarcastically in support of you. I could be wrong

You need to take her to the side , don't let anyone see and whisper in her ear to feck off. You're sick of her playing games and to leave you alone! Please stand up for yourself. And stay strong
Then avoid her at all costs.

Thank you everyone. I have read every post. People who say that my DH is weak are correct. He absolutely is when it comes to his family. He is a very nice person and kind of afraid of his family tbh. It has caused issues with us (him being mute and saying nothing to Susan).

As for Terri, I'd be sure she posted the message to be a b1tch. She has a lot of issues, has been very vindictive in the past etc. So I'm sure she did it to hurt me.

I 100% agree with everyone who told me that writing the letter, flowers etc was a bad move. I made a mistake. My counsellor advised me badly too. I was very vulnerable at the time.

I'm going to just grey rock Susan fron now on..probably can't avoid her totally, but can just avoid as much as possible. She's a truly horrid individual.

Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read my post and reply. I really appreciate it. X