Wasteful family member Dniece

[SurpriseOzzy]

My DB’s daughter who is 13 is very wasteful. For example if we do a buffet she’ll put 20 prawns on her plate but eat 3. My DB laughs and doesn’t stop her. We had some fruit out, cherries so expensive, she filled her bowl, didn’t eat them all but others missed out. Of course cherries were easy enough to rinse but she will put her eaten stones on top.

I did a sushi buffet she got 6 gyoza and just nibbled the pastry.

DB does spoil her, she has all the latest fashions etc. I have DDs who are 9 and 12 and they do look up to her in a way, but even they are sometimes shocked. If DB and SIL won’t do anything can I say something?

Of course you can

I don’t want to shame her and feel her mum and dad should be telling her. They’re all very well off and this sort of waste just seems normal. We’ve had a fair amount of hand me downs which are barely worn. Or even boxes of trainers shoes/toys unopened. There seems to be no value attached to things, like it comes easy.

This is your DB’s fault far more than hers. Yes I think you can say something - say something specific though at the time of an incident, preemptively if possible, not “your DD is very wasteful”. So at the buffet you’d have to watch her and say “oh, just two of those each, they’re to go around everyone” etc.

I've said this to a friends DD previously, just gently reminded her only to take what she's actually going to eat and that others will also want some.

This has nothing to do with wealth and everything to do with manners and waste.

It’s greedy to serve yourself more than 1 portion at a buffet. If you’re hungry have seconds by all means - after everyone has eaten.

She’s rude and needs telling.

Yes, some people just don’t think about developing manners for a range of occasions. I can’t talk my son is oblivious and I had to point out that simple maths can be used to work out how many sausage rolls can be put on a plate at a party.

But you noticed and pointed it out so he knows a way for him to figure it out in the future.

These parents are oblivious.

Yes - we have the same situation in our extended family and since the culprit helped themselves to 50% of the pigs in blankets one Christmas I either dish up individual portions or say very loudly, I have cooked 3 of those each.

It's the parents fault not the child's and they aren't doing him any favours.

You might want to watch the 1970 film 'Spring and Port Wine' that deals with this sort of issue...

I think it is on Youtube.
(It may be in black and white, which means it's a good film.)

Hey DN, instead of plating up loads, why don’t you take a couple of each and come back for seconds once everyone has had some.

If it's in your house and you're providing the food, I would definitely say something. Tell her to just take a couple of everything and come back if she wants more as you don't want to see food wasted. If her parents don't like it, tough, they should be telling her!

Thanks! It’s hard as I don’t want to upset her, when we eat out together she can be similar, like ordering food and not eating it. Or nibbling at it/around it. But always piling her plate high.

DB and SIL are having a tough time with my nephew who is going through SEN assessments so I think they spoil DN, don’t call out her behaviour as her brother is hard work. They are very spoilt though both of them. But it’s not that that bothers me, it’s food waste. The prawns and cherries really upset me!

AiBU not to tell DH I lent my neighbour money for her hire purchase.
WWYD, completely gone off kippers, should I do a pregnancy test?

Susan George came to my school to talk through the plot whilst our English teacher just drooled

Perfect response.

OP you need to reframe it. It should be the parents but think if you don’t say it everyone is judging her manners, and in lots of other situations. You’re doing her a favour.

Thanks everyone, I think next time they eat at mine I’ll do that. Quietly!

Eating out, well nothing I can do on that front!

Tbh I'd be wary of saying something to a girl that age about eating habits. Go through the parents.

I personally wouldn't say anything.

It's a hard topic to broach food with teen girls.

I had anorexia for over a decade and would just push food around my plate instead of eating.

She eats well! Doesn’t seem to have issues around food just likes to pile her plate high and not eat it all.

IMO, all this worry about "upsetting" kids and teenagers is what is making so many of them antisocial in terms of behaviour and a lot of them, a bunch of wet wipes.

It's not harsh or rude to just go "those need to go round everyone, take a couple and come back for more later" - I probably say this to my kids at every meal and no one cries!

I would say the same (and do!) to my brother's kids!

When she's helping herself to something, say:

"Just take one or two and you can always come back for more"

Oh lord - this reminds me of a family we used to go in holiday with - they were terrified of their DD and would not challenge her behaviour in any way. She would take the whole serving dish of veg and put it on her plate (from age about 3 upwards) with no comment from her parents who would just let her do it. None left for anyone else (7 of us!), On the very rare occasions when they challenged her she would lie on the floor and scream and scream until they gave in. It was quite unbelievable. And she always insisted on being served first.

If we were out we would all go and get an ice cream and she would gulp hers down and demand another.

It was very difficult as these were old and dear friends of ours and we did not want to fall out; and I was having to deal with my own 3 children who watched open-mouthed as all this went on. Luckily they did not copy the behaviour, nor were they jealous in any way - they were equally disgusted with it.

On the few occasions when I was in charge of this child and her parents were out, you may rest assured that I said no to her when necessary - first of all she flew off the handle, then realised that I was totally indifferent to it and gave up.

The child in question is an adult now and has never found a settled partner and is not a happy person at all. Unfulfilled and dissatisfied with life.

Maybe alter the way you serve food when this child is around. Don't give her the chance to take more than she needs by putting the items in the bowl/plate yourself and handing it to her.

The worst occasion was when my friend served a big inviting looking trifle with strawberries and squirts of cream on the top. Ghastly child insisted on having all the strawberries and blobs of cream - my poor children were gutted! But we were at their house so it was hard to argue. We discussed it in the car on the way home.

Of course you can say something. I pull my nieces and nephews up all the time, they know the rules at Aunty Bumblings house.

I wouldn't expect a wealthy 13 year old to appreciate that prawns and cherries are expensive

But, it's selfish to take more than her fair share of the food

Focus on positive "we can have two each" rather than shaming "you're so greedy"

As @Citrusandginger said it’s time to make it clear that there are only so many of each food item per person. That’s going to seem unusual as you’ve not said it before so you could add that you’ve not cooked as much as you previously have because so much has been wasted (it might be hard not to give her the side eye😬)