Strong sister in law interfering again

[Dogneverstopseating]

Sil is a very strong character, I’ve been with Dh since I was a teen and felt intimidated by her back then, I don’t anymore, but still try to avoid contact etc, I’m always friendly and civil.
We live abroad and have done for years & years, so luckily I don’t have to encounter her too often. However, when she comes to visit, she always gives me the Spanish Inquisition about if we’d ever return to the U.K., it’s not just pleasant conversation, she’s very intense and a dominant person. She always brings up how much Dd (6) would love living there and how much she misses her, she says Dd has the accent of where were originally from and so on,
Dh recently went back to visit his family and he’s come back with all these plans about wanting to live there, how much more money he can make, how much friendly the people are. We’ve discussed moving back on and off over the years, but for me it would never be to where we came from, but where my family live now (very similar lifestyle-outdoors, beaches, surf, sports etc) It would be of no benefit for Dd to live where I grew up as she’s been completely spoilt with such an amazing outdoors lifestyle, where were originally from there’s no beach, it can be dangerous, it’s depressing and just somewhere there’s no way I’d want to go back to.
He started saying how he’d be closer to his family and how his sister was saying how amazing it would be and to go near my family would be too far away etc. We hadn’t even talked about moving back recently and now all these plans. I said to Dh it’s about what would be best for Dd and how could she go from such an amazing upbringing to that
She’s fed him a load of stuff as usual and it’s causing issues between us now
What would you do?

*We’re
*Much more friendly

Simply respond with there are two of us major decisions are made jointly and together.
If you wish to over ride this then you can move back and Dd and I will live here and she will visit on holidays.

@Scottishskifun The thing is, he’s never said this or wanted to live back there, I know how influential she is, so I know this will be all her

I can’t see how he’d be earning more here as we have the highest income tax of any EU country and are often well below European wages in many sectors just to ground him back with a bump.
If you’re 100% not for moving then don’t enter into an argument calmly go, collect the facts and present them back to him.

Fight fire with facts.

show him our job market - show him what you’d bring in here vs where you are
break down your monthly budget where you are vs bills back here
list your daughters activities and what’s available in his sisters town
compare the schools
compare the standard of living, the cost of socialising, wrap around care etc

Keep it informative not emotional about why it’s simply not the best for your family.

Tell him that you don't want to live near to his sister.

I can’t see how he’d be earning more here as we have the highest income tax of any EU country

This is just completely wrong, don't spout nonsense just to make a point.

OP, I think you are being far too quick to dismiss what he's saying because you don't like his sister. It makes sense that someone would come back from seeing their extended family and think that it would be nice to live closer to them, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's saying it because of pressure from her.

You seem to value a particular lifestyle, he seems to be at the stage where he wants to be more closely tied to his roots - neither of you are right or wrong, but you need to have rational conversations about what you want for your family without blaming other people.

Why is his sister so intent on getting your family to move back to this country? Is it because she doesn't have much of a life of her own and thinks she can usurp yours?

Why is it always another woman's fault? Your DH I assume is a fully grown man capable of his own thoughts? Is it easier to blame your SIL than entertain the thought your DH might actually want to do something of his own free will but you don't agree with him. If i thought my DH was so lacking in his own thoughts it would give me the ick.

This. Nice and clear. Tell him that you have no intention of living near someone who is trying to control your life.

You need to treat this rationally and not extrapolate from it.

There's no evidence his sister has said anything 'interfering' to him.
This gives the vibe that you don't like his family- so you will move closer to and favour yours and disregard his.

That may not be true and it may well be based on lifestyle factors but you need to focus on those and the locations rather than your family Vs his.

It seems like you're just looking for problems. Your sister-in-law can't make you and your husband do anything you don't want to do, and your husband can't unilaterally make decisions for the both of you.

She has to discuss it, though, she can’t just blank him. Making him think it through might stop this from becoming a tediously perennial subject

Your sil sounds jealous of you. Live were you feel happiest

I would guess that family visits for many people living abroad stir up questions of moving back.

You say you have discussed a return on and off.

I would say that maybe in a week or two the two of you should fit down and have a proper discussion about it.

Start with feelings, how do the two of you feel about being near family, cultural familiarity, what and who do you miss, what not. What about any parents as they get older and frail?

Talk about work and finances. Do you enjoy your jobs? What prospects in each place, how much holiday is typical, work life balance etc.

Talk about your Dd. Exams and qualifications from the respective education systems, if you wanted to move when would be best wrt her friendships, education etc.

And lifestyle.

In the end, which place gives you the life you most want to lead?

And make it about you two, not a reaction to SIL.

Unless your SIL is some manner of hypnotist, the issue is your DH.

Fgs it’s her family. It’s not bizarre that she would like her brother and his family to be closer.

Really not wrong. UK taxes are insanely high when you include student loans and lack of support for middle earners, plus you have to pay for any sort of decent health care and dentistry, and childcare is extortionate

@Bellsandthistle But at the detriment of what’s best for us and Dd? That’s selfish. She’s admitted before that it’s an amazing life for Dd and she wishes she’d done it when younger. There’s sod all to do where she is, they barely do anything and are all miserable, I’m not going to live there

So don’t move there. It’s not down to her in any way. You clearly do not like her and that’s your prerogative but the issue you aren’t wanting to address is to do with your husband and his attachment to his family. Wanting to be near family is hardly unusual and you need to address it sensitively.

Yeah if you’re being pedantic then we rank 4th for higher income tax but as the person down thread has also commented when you include our student loans, childcare, pensions, community resources and facilities etc we rank way way behind quality of life/ education and healthcare vs. Taxes paid.

It doesn't matter if she is an ear worm in your DHs ear it's him saying it and it's your and DH lives that it effects. Your SIL can't force anything if you have no desire to move then nip it in the bud but be clear on your boundaries.

According to the OECD annual Tax Wedge Statistics the highest combined tax and social contributions burden is on Belgium and Germany. The UK doesn't even come close.

I would make it clear that you're not moving back and that you and DD are very happy where you are. I'd also tell him that you find his sister overbearing, intrusive and bossy and you won't be living near her - ever.

If you want to stay where you are express that. Don't bring the domineering sister into it.

Also sorry I know this is not the point but what does DDs accent have to do with anything? 🤔

Just dismiss it every time

Its not on pur plan

All our decisions are joint

Im.sure you miss your brother but its definitely not in our plans

And change the subject

Or...

Say ffs will you stop asking..its not happening and you go on about it every time.

Please stop.