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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be getting irritated by adult daughter going out every night?

37 replies

OldBoringMum · 12/08/2024 15:58

I know I am because she is an adult (21) and she can go out whenever she likes but it is really griping me.

She always says she will be back by a certain usually reasonable time then ten minutes before she is due back she will text and say she is just chatting and will be back later. Usually around midnight.

No big deal right? But she is waking me up every time. She's coming home at midnight, rattling around getting ready for bed which wakes me up and I cannot get back to sleep for ages then I have to wake up early for my day.

If it was just the weekend I would let it fo but it is most nights now and I am exhausted.

OP posts:
Stath · 12/08/2024 16:01

Can you put a white noise thing on or an app like Calm?
and have you told her to be quiet when she comes back?

Why does she text to say she’s coming home? Is it a safety thing/locking up?

Snacksgalore · 12/08/2024 16:01

Can you ask her to be quieter? Sounds like you just need to turn your phone onto silent at 10 and work out ways you can sleep eg ear plusgs, noise cancelling headphones.

Twitchyeyebrow · 12/08/2024 16:01

Yes she is a grown adult, but it's not about her age, or even her coming in later is it, it's about her lack of thought for you as she clatters around!

I think as well with adults still living at home, yes they are adults, but if they want to stay in the same house as you, they need to be considerate and every adult in the house think about each other's needs, feelings and routines. The need to sleep before work is a bit of a no brainer! 🙄

Is your DD not working at all if she's out every night?? Or does she just work different times to you?

I used to do bar work at 18 but would be like a mouse when I got home because everyone else was on a 9-5 life.

Itiswhysofew · 12/08/2024 16:02

What can you do?🤷‍♀️ She needs her freedom. You can only ask her to be extra quiet, or give her a Mon-Fri curfew.

What time do you normally head up to bed?

rubyslippers · 12/08/2024 16:03

Midnight isn’t that late

what’s annoying is it’s disturbing you as you’re on different schedules

have you spoken to her about it and if so, what’s her solution?

soupfiend · 12/08/2024 16:06

Multi generational living doesnt always work, you're not able to relax in your own home and she feels the need to text you about what time she is coming home.

I would always urge people to move out, even if into a bedsit, there is nothing like having your own space and I think when young adults live at home it infantilises them

LifeExperience · 12/08/2024 16:06

Tell her to be quiet when she gets in late.

Snacksgalore · 12/08/2024 16:07

rubyslippers · 12/08/2024 16:03

Midnight isn’t that late

what’s annoying is it’s disturbing you as you’re on different schedules

have you spoken to her about it and if so, what’s her solution?

I agree. I mean, I like to be in bed by 9.30 and asleep by 10 as I need lots of sleep and wake early but I know 12 isn’t late for many adults.

FetchAPail · 12/08/2024 16:09

Agree with white noise, I use a speaker and it blocks out so much.

MikeRafone · 12/08/2024 16:10

This isn't acceptable behaviour

can you imagine if she was in a flat share and her flat mate was being woken every night, then they'd talk to her and explain its not working out - either shut the fuck up coming in or move

Lilaccprincess · 12/08/2024 16:12

You’ll get comments saying yabu because she’s an adult but personally I wouldn’t find this behaviour acceptable from my husband. Some people have to work late and midnight is a normal time for them getting home but the disrespect is how loud she’s being when she gets home.

I would be mortified if I was keeping my mum awake and she was sleep deprived because of my actions.

It’s okay for her to be out but she needs to be more respectful when she gets home.

Michelle987 · 12/08/2024 16:13

Ear plugs

mathanxiety · 12/08/2024 16:21

Tell her to reduce the racket when she gets in - door shut quietly, shoes off quietly, tiptoe up stairs, close bathroom door quietly, bedroom door ditto. There's not much she can do about noisy pipes, but she could wash her face and brush teeth quietly too - no loud spitting, no water at full blast. If there's a downstairs loo, she should use that for face washing and brushing teeth.

Get yourself a white noise machine.

mathanxiety · 12/08/2024 16:22

And if she goes to the kitchen for a midnight snack, that needs to stop.

Original poster
OldBoringMum · 12/08/2024 16:22

Thank you everyone. OK earplugs and white noise might be the way forward.

To.be clear, she isn't waking me up with her text at 10pm, I meant she is waking me up when she comes in rattling around at midnight.

She thinks she is being quiet, she really isn't. She often comes in my room loudly whispering if I'm awake, well I am now.

I go to bed around 11pm.

She does work, usually just afternoon shifts but during the holidays she has been working during the day but not having to leave until 9am so she is getting sleep.

OP posts:
Santasbigredbobblehat · 12/08/2024 16:25

Of course that's not acceptable, it's your house isn't it? Is she paying rent? How does she afford to go out every night?

Westfacing · 12/08/2024 16:28

Aw, she's only 21 and doesn't mean to be a nuisance! I like she's asking you 'are you awake?' Grin

You'll miss her when she's all grown-up and in her 40s, as my sons are now Smile

KreedKafer · 12/08/2024 16:41

Kind of amazed that there are people who think midnight is an unreasonable time for an adult to come home, or indeed who even expect to be notified what time an adult plans to get in.

She just needs to be a bit quieter, is all. Or you need to get earplugs or something because it does sound like you're quite a light sleeper.

zoemum2006 · 12/08/2024 16:49

I feel for you OP because I struggle to go back to sleep if I'm woken up and I can't stand it.

Either I'd have to stay up until she got it or (if I'd been woken up) go into their room at 3am with the hoover. Seriously.... she needs to learn.

Bluetrews25 · 12/08/2024 16:54

As soon as you get up in the morning, go in to her room and whisper 'are you awake?' at ever increasing volume until she hears you?
Every time she wakes you up she has to be in by 10 the following day? She'll soon learn to be quiet!

OneCoolPearlOP · 12/08/2024 16:55

Westfacing · 12/08/2024 16:28

Aw, she's only 21 and doesn't mean to be a nuisance! I like she's asking you 'are you awake?' Grin

You'll miss her when she's all grown-up and in her 40s, as my sons are now Smile

Yes yes it all sounds very cute but people cope differently with lack of sleep. I can't at all - one night of bad sleep and I'm a completely different person, my thoughts are like treacle and I become very irritable.
OP she needs to be actually quiet or if not, just sleep on the sofa or something.

Ivehearditbothways · 12/08/2024 17:00

Why on earth is she coming into your room and talking to you?

The problem isn’t the late nights. It’s the waking you up. Sit down and talk to her, but you have to be clear about it instead of just saying, “Please be quiet.” Explain the noises you hear so she can see where she is making too much noise and put an absolutely block on her coming into your room. She sounds like a bit of an idiot if she thinks that is ok.

Original poster
OldBoringMum · 12/08/2024 17:04

Answering some questions.

I know midnight isn't late, I mean I'm old and couldn't stay up until midnight and then go to work the next morning anymore but I am not 21!
I just don't want to be woken up at midnight nightly when I'm up at 5am.

I have not asked her to text me but she does notify me she is going out, partially because she usually wants dinner and eats with me and it's good to know not to wait for her to eat or make her food if she is not going to be home and partially because there are issues with vulnerability/disability and transport.

I am a light sleeper but the door being opened and light flooding in and being asked if you are awake after someone has clattered around the house is annoying.

In regards to money, she earns a good wage and has few outgoings. She's also not a huge drinker so it is mostly soft drinks that last hours.

OP posts:
SevenMarshmallows · 12/08/2024 17:12

Of course it's irritating when someone (anyone) comes home after you're asleep and makes enough noise that it wakes you. It would be annoying if it were a partner or flatmate, and yes, it's annoying in an adult child. The way she actually whisper-asks if you're awake wouldn't strike me as cute. There'd better be a damned good reason, if someone's whispering at me when I'm in bed at night.

YANBU to tell her that the current situation isn't working, because it's disturbing your valuable sleep. She shouldn't come into your room when she returns home, because it obviously wakes you, and she needs to try harder to be quiet. If she's old enough to keep adult hours and enjoy adult freedoms, she's old enough to moderate her volume. It's the respectful, adult thing to do. If she can't do that, she needs to come home earlier or move into her own place.

Bouledeneige · 12/08/2024 17:16

My DD is 24 and goes through phases of going out a lot sometimes not back till 3 or 4 in the morning. She doesn't tell me when she's coming back (unless she texts to say she's staying at a friend's place). It's not really my business but I have told her she needs to be quiet when she comes in as my bedroom is right by the front door. She was sometimes a bit noisy in the kitchen which is also near my bedroom (I live in a large split level Apartment) so I told her and she's much better about that too.

We have ' find my phone' for each other if I ever want to check where she is. (She uses it to request food if she spots where I am). Because she went away to uni in very used to her being out or off somewhere. They're adults and need to have a life.