Page 4 | To think houseplants are a complete pain in the arse

kitteninabasket · 2024-08-11T22:45:44+00:00

My two monstera are out of control. The stems are massive and grow every fucking direction but up. They look NOTHING like the ones on Pinterest. I also get random mushrooms popping out of the soil. My two monstera adansonii are ridiculously fussy. Their leaves curl up if I'm even one minute late with their watering. After I water them they sweat water droplets from their leaves which have stained my table. One of them has just developed some sort of spotty leaf disease and I'm tempted to let nature run its course. My succulents are all stretched out and look shit. My orchid's leaves got scorched in the sun so that looks like shit too now. I've had three fungus gnat infestations. The bastard things were everywhere. They liked to hang out on my roller blinds which are now ruined from when I've opened them without checking and they got crushed into the fabric. Am I just crap with plants or are they this much of a pain in the arse for everybody?

DadJoke · 12/08/2024 12:24

Any plant which can't deal with being treated with neglect and disdain has no place in my house. If they get fussy, they go outside. As a result we have two houseplants which are sturdy and self-reliant. For reassurance, I am talking about plants and not children.

Reugny · 12/08/2024 12:29

SprinkleOfSunak · 12/08/2024 08:28

I hate most house plants with a passion, especially when people have a row, or cluster of them - it gives me the absolute creeps. I just find their presence overwhelming and domineering, and think they look quite menacing.

I have no interest either in being given extra work to do, and find plants are just extra work. For some reason, I have been bought lots of plants as gifts over the years, and each time I wince, and think why could you not have bought cut flowers instead! I adore cut flowers. I’ve told my Mum many times that I don’t like most indoor plants, and I don’t even think to water them and they just die, and have asked her to not buy them for me, but she still does!!! I’ve killed every single one she’s given me, and still she buys more. I now have one stuck on my kitchen windowsill that she bought for our Anniversary. I have nowhere else to put it, and I hate plants in kitchens. I’d give it away, but I know this would upset her when she visits, so I’ll put up with it until I inevitably kill it.

I must admit that I do have a ZZ plant though, as I find them pretty - they’re the only houseplant I like, and fortunately they are so easy to look after. I hardly ever water it, and it looks fabulous, and has grown so much, but as much as I like it, one is definitely enough. I’d never think now, oh let’s buy more of them and line them up, or let’s put them in other rooms.

You can split it up and have two or three...

UtterlyOtterly · 12/08/2024 12:37

I love them, but can understand why others wouldn't.

I probably have about 40, two are older than me and I'm early 60s. Several others are at least 20 years old, and one is grown from a cutting I "stole" from the dining room at university. I love propagating them, then either passing them on to family/friends or taking to a charity shop in my town which always has a few on sale.

Reugny · 12/08/2024 12:38

I've had my own house plants since I was a teen.

I've had to give them to people to "look after" when I moved around and as they didn't kill them they ended up with them so I've had to buy more.

IKEA and Lidl are two places to get cheap plants. Though Lidl sells rubber plants in the middle of winter and they put them outside.

Unfortunately my DD loves gardening - well choosing plants - so now we have no space.

longtompot · 12/08/2024 12:51

kitteninabasket · 12/08/2024 12:13

@longtompot can you tell me more about your orchid setup? Do you use liners? Do you have any photos?

And how do you water from the bottom? Put them in a shallow bath for 30 mins?

According to Woodwick website, as that what the candle was, the dimensions are 9.2cm x 19.1cm x 12.1cm

It seems to be lying like it's in a bath. The newer growth is towards the middle of the pot. The other photo shows the light it has pretty much all day. I cut back the flowering shoot right to the base, or to a nobble on the stem as that's where the new stem will grow from. I don't use any liners.
The rubber tree next to it is also happy with its home too.

Watering from the bottom for my other plants. I take them out of their pretty ceramic pot and put them into a large bowl of water and let them sit for a while to soak up some water. It's much easier to do that than go around pouring tiny bits into the saucer and waiting for it to take it up and then stop taking it up so they aren't sitting in water.

To think houseplants are a complete pain in the arse

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2024 13:03

TheOnlyCherryOnMyTree · 12/08/2024 11:21

I used to be a houseplant killer but would buy them regularly because I love them. Then something changed, I'm not sure what but suddenly I have 20 massive thriving houseplants and I don't know where to put them all. My kitchen window is obscured with plants trailing down, I've put shelves up to accommodate some but they are out growing their spots, it doesn't help that my house is small and dark so prime spots are very limited indeed. I love them though and probably will keep adding to my collection 🤷🏻‍♀️

Uh, have you heard of grow lights? Amazon do some incredibly cheap LED ones.

Yes, I know I'm a bad influence - the whole shelves of cacti in DP's working corner of the spare room may or may not be related to him seeing how useful one on a timer was for a group of about three that were beginning to block the window.

Original poster

kitteninabasket · 12/08/2024 13:08

longtompot · 12/08/2024 12:51

According to Woodwick website, as that what the candle was, the dimensions are 9.2cm x 19.1cm x 12.1cm

It seems to be lying like it's in a bath. The newer growth is towards the middle of the pot. The other photo shows the light it has pretty much all day. I cut back the flowering shoot right to the base, or to a nobble on the stem as that's where the new stem will grow from. I don't use any liners.
The rubber tree next to it is also happy with its home too.

Watering from the bottom for my other plants. I take them out of their pretty ceramic pot and put them into a large bowl of water and let them sit for a while to soak up some water. It's much easier to do that than go around pouring tiny bits into the saucer and waiting for it to take it up and then stop taking it up so they aren't sitting in water.

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Thank you. I like the idea of putting them in glass pots and letting them do their own thing. I'm tempted to just focus on orchids since they seem to do quite well here.

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Original poster

kitteninabasket · 12/08/2024 13:08

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2024 13:03

Uh, have you heard of grow lights? Amazon do some incredibly cheap LED ones.

Yes, I know I'm a bad influence - the whole shelves of cacti in DP's working corner of the spare room may or may not be related to him seeing how useful one on a timer was for a group of about three that were beginning to block the window.

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I've seen glass ikea cabinets repurposed as mini greenhouses, with LED grow lights stuck to the tops of the shelves.

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Original poster

kitteninabasket · 12/08/2024 13:11

Could anybody link to moss poles suitable for small to medium sized monstera? There's so many on Amazon, I've no idea what size to get. This is where I got to before and ended up abandoning it.

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Gingertam · 12/08/2024 13:15

As I get older I can't be bothered with the upkeep. My daughter has loads but enjoys nurturing them. Fake ones are so realistic now. Even my mum admitted mine look good and she hates artificial plants. Quick dust and you're done.

MushMonster · 12/08/2024 13:19

Your monsteras need a support to trail on and you attach them to it.
The succulents, most likely need some branches cut and put in water, then in soil once they get roots, though most of the times it works if you put directly in the soil and water them.
You can get terrariums. Those gice no work at all.

LaughingElderberry · 12/08/2024 13:26

Caerulea · 12/08/2024 10:59

They aren't low maintenance really, not in a normal home environment. Misting doesn't really do much, you want a small humidifier running next to it, it will make the world of difference. Have you got a humidity checker in your house? Ferns want 60/70% easily to thrive.

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Thank you - I feel vindicated at least, having moaned to H several times that the fern is not low maintenance and bugger what the plant websites say!

72% humidity at the moment so in theory it should be fine. I suspect what I need to do is lob it outside and ignore it and hope that it dies. Last time I did that, it recovered and flourished (hence why it's known as the spite fern). I had to re-pot it so the currently sulking status is probably due to that. It's the most bloody temperamental houseplant I have.

One thing I have spotted is that online guidance is not always reliable. I bought a succulent which was noted as being suitable for low light. It etiolated terribly and now it's on a light window ledge, is doing so much better.

Original poster

kitteninabasket · 12/08/2024 13:30

One thing I have spotted is that online guidance is not always reliable. I bought a succulent which was noted as being suitable for low light. It etiolated terribly and now it's on a light window ledge, is doing so much better.

I agree. My monstera adansonii thrive in the bathroom which faces north, has an opaque window and gets about 2 mins of sunlight a day. The one I have in the bright kitchen with dappled light, which is what they're supposed to like, isn't doing well at all.

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ProgressivePilgrim · 12/08/2024 13:46

Ooh, I love them!

I give mine names! 🤭

I love looking after them. I don't have a garden, so it's the next best thing for me. If I had a garden, I'd probably be less interested in house plants.

Caerulea · 12/08/2024 14:36

LaughingElderberry · 12/08/2024 13:26

Thank you - I feel vindicated at least, having moaned to H several times that the fern is not low maintenance and bugger what the plant websites say!

72% humidity at the moment so in theory it should be fine. I suspect what I need to do is lob it outside and ignore it and hope that it dies. Last time I did that, it recovered and flourished (hence why it's known as the spite fern). I had to re-pot it so the currently sulking status is probably due to that. It's the most bloody temperamental houseplant I have.

One thing I have spotted is that online guidance is not always reliable. I bought a succulent which was noted as being suitable for low light. It etiolated terribly and now it's on a light window ledge, is doing so much better.

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A lot of online advice is dire. The only succulent that can cope with low light is the snake plant & even then it's surviving not thriving. All cacti & succulents need anything from shit-tonnes to a fuck-load of light.

I find the advice for watering schedules pretty bad, I just ignore it & water when they need it lol.

And yes, ferns are stroppy & finicky, there's no two ways about it. And yet, the hedgerows round here are thick with them! Got a huge one that's appeared in our front garden but you can be damn sure if I bought the same type & put it in my house it would rival 15yo DS for rulership of the Arsehole Kingdom.

MilkyCappuchino · 12/08/2024 14:36

so are the ones outside which will die if you don't water them daily

movingonsaturday · 12/08/2024 14:45

Would it be mean to post this here ?🙈😜

RagzRebooted · 12/08/2024 14:48

TheChosenTwo · 11/08/2024 23:50

I don’t have any! I hate them, I don’t have green fingers and they are just something else to have to look after 😂

Same. I'm going to buy nice fake ones for my new home, I don't care how tacky that is. Apparently science has proved that fake plants are still good for us, mentally.

RagzRebooted · 12/08/2024 14:49

MilkyCappuchino · 12/08/2024 14:36

so are the ones outside which will die if you don't water them daily

I gave up on those, too. I can manage fruit bushes and a rosemary bush, but that's about it.

Meadowfinch · 12/08/2024 14:53

They sound very needy OP.

I have two well behaved plants in my bathroom, a spider plant that cascades down the side of the shelving unit and happily produces offshoots, and a dragon tree that requires 2 cups of water a week in the summer and one cup in winter.

They, and a cleverly painted wall 'plant' above the bath give my bathroom a 'palm court' feel and stop it feeling bleak. But I can go away for two weeks holiday and they don't miss me. 🙂

Dweetfidilove · 12/08/2024 14:58

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2024 02:09

The Monstera need staking and if you're feeling particularly brutal, chopping off a nice lump with nodes/air roots and sticking back in the pot (or another, to then present to somebody else so they also have an Audrey II to squawk 'Feed Me!' at them). You''re getting mushrooms and gnats because you're overwatering them. If they aren't fenestrating, they need to be in better light, maybe boosted up rather than at floor level.

The Adasonii are being overwatered, hence the guttation and going mouldy.

The succulents are etiolating because they aren't in good enough light and the orchid is in too bright a light; put the succulents in front on the windowsill and mostly forget about them, the orchid behind or on a northfacing windowsill and mist, rather than soak - they're meant to grow on pretty much fuck all in the shade of other plants, not be kept in soggy moss or completely ignored.

They aren't a pain in the arse, you just need to know what they actually need, which for the succulents is light and the occasional brief dunk in water, drying out in between, the orchid, benign neglect, and the others, less water and to be helped to do what they want to do, which is scramble up something to get to the light.

Said by the person who now has six Snake Plants, a crassula tree, three trailing crassula, an avocado tree, a Monstera that was 3 inches high and reduced to clear in Waitrose just after lockdown that is 8 foot tall, about 30 cacti, two pots of tumeric, one of ginger, tradescantia all over the place, 3 yuccas because DP kept buying them because he thought he'd killed them and their Lazarus-like recovery, some random thing that he thought was a spider plant but went from 4 inches high to three foot and enough spider plants to form a small army. The fuckers just keep growing.

ETA: Shit. Forgot the random thing that appeared on my desk at work that's now four foot tall. And DP's fern that turned into four plants after the cat knocked it over.

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Sounds lush round yours ☺️

Original poster

kitteninabasket · 12/08/2024 14:59

movingonsaturday · 12/08/2024 14:45

Would it be mean to post this here ?🙈😜

This is very pretty! How do you water it?

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movingonsaturday · 12/08/2024 15:07

@kitteninabasket don't be fooled, orchids are the only thing I can keep alive. About once every 3 weeks, less in winter. Just when I can see the water has dried up at the bottom

toenails · 12/08/2024 15:10

Indoor plants are fab.

BlunderMifflin · 12/08/2024 15:34

Meadowfinch · 12/08/2024 14:53

They sound very needy OP.

I have two well behaved plants in my bathroom, a spider plant that cascades down the side of the shelving unit and happily produces offshoots, and a dragon tree that requires 2 cups of water a week in the summer and one cup in winter.

They, and a cleverly painted wall 'plant' above the bath give my bathroom a 'palm court' feel and stop it feeling bleak. But I can go away for two weeks holiday and they don't miss me. 🙂

I'd love to see your cleverly painted wall plant? I have no plants in my bathroom as there's no window 😩 so no natural light. You've given me a seedling of an idea!