To think houseplants are a complete pain in the arse

[kitteninabasket]

My two monstera are out of control. The stems are massive and grow every fucking direction but up. They look NOTHING like the ones on Pinterest. I also get random mushrooms popping out of the soil.

My two monstera adansonii are ridiculously fussy. Their leaves curl up if I'm even one minute late with their watering. After I water them they sweat water droplets from their leaves which have stained my table. One of them has just developed some sort of spotty leaf disease and I'm tempted to let nature run its course.

My succulents are all stretched out and look shit.

My orchid's leaves got scorched in the sun so that looks like shit too now.

I've had three fungus gnat infestations. The bastard things were everywhere. They liked to hang out on my roller blinds which are now ruined from when I've opened them without checking and they got crushed into the fabric.

Am I just crap with plants or are they this much of a pain in the arse for everybody?

Are you picking the plants up and making sure they are light before you water them, if you are using pot liners likelihood is they aren't draining properly and are sitting in water.

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You can't forget them but you also can't pay them any attention at all. Don't even look at them! Not even a mention of their existence whilst in the same room!!

But definitely do not also ignore them else there's hell to pay & then they almost die & you're grateful the abusive cycle is ending & then 'Oooo no motherfucker, you thought sticking me in full sun in the conservatory out of sight would finish me off? MWHAHAHA WE DOING THIS FOR ANOTHER YEAR!'

Psychopath plant

You can't forget them but you also can't pay them any attention at all. Don't even look at them! Not even a mention of their existence whilst in the same room!!

But definitely do not also ignore them else there's hell to pay & then they almost die & you're grateful the abusive cycle is ending & then 'Oooo no motherfucker, you thought sticking me in full sun in the conservatory out of sight would finish me off? MWHAHAHA WE DOING THIS FOR ANOTHER YEAR!'

Psychopath plant

We have a house full of glorious plants that are much admired, some are huge, 20 years old.
My husband lovingly cares for them but I am a danger to them so only assist under the strictest of instructions when he is occasionally away🙄😁.
They can be very temperamental.
Succulents can grow stringy though.
We have lobbed several out into the garden that lost the run of themselves in our hot garden room. They have thrived out there, no doubt due to our milder winters.

Nope, I'm very careful to make sure they're not sitting in water, and I only water when the top layer is dry.

Houseplants are too needy for me - the pets (and husband and kids!) are enough as it is.

Yes they are and you either love them or hate them. I have to replace a few frequent offenders every 5 years or so when they get completely away from me. My beloved triostar suffered terribly with some wanking insects that I could neither identify nor kill. After 5 years of fighting with it, I put it outside in winter as punishment. I then searched everywhere for replacement and couldn't find it in shops. Lat week I went to LIDL and there she was! Now I am a proud owner of another triostar baby.
My kid keeps bringing cacti home. I had a bit of a love affair with them at her age and my granny still fosters my childhood collection. Some of them are coming up to 30 years now. A strict regime of sticking them outside for the whole summer and watering them much more frequently than people are lead to believe ensures they bloom every year and look fabulous. I've gone off them since and my kiddo is not even remotely interested in looking after them so I begrudgingly leave them in my conservatory to do whatever they feel like.
The only thing that is going to remain after a nuclear catastrophe is my piece lily. She died and came back to life a million times.
When my calatheas start acting out, I give them a big chop to the soil level and start again.

They aren't low maintenance really, not in a normal home environment. Misting doesn't really do much, you want a small humidifier running next to it, it will make the world of difference. Have you got a humidity checker in your house? Ferns want 60/70% easily to thrive.

That was how I felt. Mother's full-time carer for seven years, two cats needing daily medication ... why would I want to look after a plant when I don't even like the things, or have enough room for one? I'm more than content with the fuschia and salvia bushes that grow outside my window, because I don't own them and it's up to the village maintenance crew to look after them!

I love house plants and have quite a lot round the house. Sunday is plant watering day so all are going strong with the exception of my orchid - for some reason I kill every orchid I've ever had and I've no idea how or why.

Our gardens are fabulous, I’m really good with outdoor plants. I’ve managed to murder every single houseplant we’ve ever had.

I'm known to
Kill houseplants- even the hardy ones which is why I now focus on the garden and have fake ones inside.

I wont allow house plants. For years when I lived in a flat I would regularly kill them and replaced them like you would regular shopping

Now I have a little patio and I wont allow house plants. OH would like some but they would go all manky and dusty like you describe OP.

I used to be a houseplant killer but would buy them regularly because I love them. Then something changed, I'm not sure what but suddenly I have 20 massive thriving houseplants and I don't know where to put them all. My kitchen window is obscured with plants trailing down, I've put shelves up to accommodate some but they are out growing their spots, it doesn't help that my house is small and dark so prime spots are very limited indeed. I love them though and probably will keep adding to my collection 🤷🏻‍♀️

@kitteninabasket

In that case, then yes, houseplants are just a complete pain in the arse :)

I cut bits of my monstera regularly and it climbs up a pole....

I move my house plants round the house, leave them for a week and if they are happy that's where they stay for ever.

Joining to sympathise. I love my house plants but I do worry about them! My bird of paradise plant is so unhappy - unhappy everywhere I put it. It causes me a lot of stress. I should just give it away as I am clearly not the right owner for it. Goddam you Homebase plant section.

Succulents however I am a winner at! Delighted to see my jade plant looking happier now it’s out of the sunshine.

I have a habit of overloving or completely ignoring houseplants. I only keep those that can put up with my shoddy care schedule.
After getting really fed up with fungus gnats I now sprinkle diatomaceous earth on the soil (just don't think too much about the reason it works)

I'd love to have houseplants but sadly I appear to have very, very black fingers. I manage to kill plants that supposedly only need minimum care, even when when I follow instructions to the letter. I'm quite jealous of all of you with an abundance of glorious plants!

Monstera are climbers @kitteninabasket , so if you want them to go up you need to give them support. I have a moss pole for mine, which is attached to the wall with a chain. I then hoik up the big branches and tie them to the pole. The aerial roots will eventually start to attach to the pole too.

I’m tempted to take some cuttings, bin the original plant and start again with a pole. I’ve just done a bit of pruning on mine but it’s pointless as the stems are already very established in their sideways-ness. But creating new plants means bringing in new soil, which probably means new fungus gnats. I’m not sure I can be bothered, but I’ve put the plants outside now and the room looks bare

I love my plants but they do take time and I have had frustrating times with them.

Fungus gnats - I completely changed the soil of all my plants and threw the old stuff away, and potted them up into pots that can be removed from the pretty planter. That way I can take them out and water from the bottom and hopefully not have the return of the gnats.

My orchid is almost a year old. Dh bought it for our anniversary last year and it has flowered pretty much the whole time. I have it in an east facing window so it gets morning sun. I saw an Instagram reel about what they like and have taken out the stake and allowed it to grow as it would in the wild. I replanted it into a low glass pot (was a candle in its former life) and it seems to like being more horizontal rather than in a round pot. Check the roots to determine when it needs any water as they prefer being drier than too wet as they can rot.

My dd has a monstera which she bought a new very tall moss pole for. I tied the plant to it and it seems really quite happy. It's in a large pot in our hallway with the dappled light from our south facing front door.

The main plants I have are peace lillies. They tell you when they need watering with a dramatic leaf droop but perk up pretty quickly. They are especially good for cleaning the air.

A new plant I have is a streptocarpus which has the same habit as the peace Lily and does a dramatic leaf droop when it needs water, and perks right back up again. It just needs dead heading to keep flowering. I've also propagated the leaves to see if I can get some more plants, but early days there so no signs of growth yet.

My dd also has loads of succulents which are ok, but they have taken over the house as she doesn't have enough room or light in her room. They seem happy on their nw facing window.

I have a ficus which is over 30 years old and still going strong. It's just had a repot and seems quite happy. It's a very easy plant to have in the house. Also have rubber tree plants which are over 30 years old, a wedding gift from a friend which were a cutting from her parents rubber tree plant. She would be with you on your views of plants and can't keep any of them alive, even spider plants.

But, for the most part my plants just sit there looking pretty. I think the short amount of time they take is worth it.

@longtompot can you tell me more about your orchid setup? Do you use liners? Do you have any photos?

And how do you water from the bottom? Put them in a shallow bath for 30 mins?

I love houseplants and cant resist getting a new one whenever Im in town. I just love surrounding myself with a mini jungle!
Sadly though my back garden is a wasteland of nettles and bindweed, you cant even see the ground! Id love to get out there but I have a neighbour from hell so stay out of the garden to avoid him🙁 (I am on the list for an allotment though).

One year we had a fly invasion. It was horrendous and i true es everything until the penny dropped that it was houseplants that were the cause of the fly invasion.

Once the plants were removed the flies disappeared completely by the next day.

Fresh flowers are fine but no more houseplants again.

A sprinkling of diatomaceous earth on the top of the soil will deal with your gnats. I have used this for a massive infestation and it works. You can get it on Amazon.
Just don't ever sprinkle it outside or you'll harm the bees.