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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Spending a whole month with family too much?

39 replies

Ladyinpink11 · 11/08/2024 20:17

Cut a long story short, I live in the UK with my family and I've come to my home country for a full month with my son. My husband will follow next week and so far I've done 2 weeks. Reason for going was to enjoy lots of sunshine, for my son to spend time with the gramps and for my mum to help with childcare on some days whilst I work. (Which she loves doing and she suggested as she doesn't get to see him as much with us living abroad!) Now I'm starting to believe that this is way too long a time. We started arguing about a couple of things and I kind of just want to go home, or go to a hotel. It's like I'm back to being a teenager and my mum is making comments about my work commitments, my friend coming round etc. is this normal? Was I being naive in thinking such an extended period of time with your parents is just too much??

OP posts:
Madamecholetsbonnet · 11/08/2024 20:18

A month?!!!

YANBU. Move to a hotel and say it will be easier for when DH arrives.

VenusClapTrap · 11/08/2024 20:30

A week is too much for me but everyone is different.

workinginheat · 11/08/2024 20:31

I think it’s normal when adults who aren’t used to staying with one another have to share the same space for such a time

MissingKitty · 11/08/2024 20:33

Is this the first time you’ve stayed with her for this long?

gottoget · 11/08/2024 20:33

I have a 3 day limit for vistors and visiting but some overseas family like to think they are exempt (they are not!).

Wendysfriend · 11/08/2024 20:35

Oh god that's way too long. I love people visiting a couple of nights max and that's it. I can't actually stay in anyone's home, I have to stay in a hotel. Nothing against other people just like a bit of space and there'll always be some disagreements due to different personalities.

Can you book a hotel when your DH arrives? Kids wear everyone out, especially other people's.

circular1985 · 11/08/2024 20:38

Depends on the family dynamics but I would have spent a month with my parents in the sun with dc. No arguments but always a few niggles which I just brush off. The positives outweigh the negatives.

Zanatdy · 11/08/2024 20:39

Oh god I couldn’t do a month with my mum. Most I’ve done is 2wks and that was plenty!

Rumplestrumpet · 11/08/2024 20:39

That is a very long time. I get on very well with my family but try to break up a visit with a trip elsewhere - when DH arrives can the three of you go off and discover a bit of the country? Visit a beach or some sights for a few days to a week?

Bedtime91 · 11/08/2024 20:42

Depends on your family - I know many people who would be fine with this. I can barely manage a long weekend with mine

YANBU to feel how you feel

DoublePeonies · 11/08/2024 20:43

Yes, it's too long.
I used to do a few days with my parents, then relocate into a holiday let nearby for a week. Then go on holiday for a week (yes, a holiday in a holiday), then come back for another week in a holiday let, then a few days back with Mum and Dad before flying out.

It was mainly because Dad couldn't cope with the noise of the kids, and the rhythm of the days when they were about. But 3/4 days was enough!

So, is there a holiday let or hotel nearby?

Ladyinpink11 · 11/08/2024 20:43

Thanks all. For context, we get on very well and holiday together sometimes, and I've stayed for a couple of weeks before, but not this amount of time. The house is fairly spacious so that's why I thought that it would be okay, but as a pp said, I underestimated adults living together who haven't for a long time can just be tricky. I think once my husband arrives we'll go away for a few days like someone has suggested, great idea!

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 11/08/2024 20:45

Fuck that

im going to be staying my in-laws including sibling in laws for 4 nights next year and I’m already itching with stress at the thought of it and I like them and get on well with them all!

a month!

LindorDoubleChoc · 11/08/2024 20:50

Yanbu. Two days was too much for me with my Mum, 8 hours or even less with my Dad! (they were divorced), two days about my limit with inlaws.

Of course it's different if your family lives many miles away and you can't do short visits, so I completely sympathise ... but a whole MONTH? no way!

Ladyinpink11 · 11/08/2024 20:55

One example of an argument - I was working one day and had done a lunch break. An hour later I had a friend round for just half an hour and once she was gone and I sat back at my computer she like "Are you going to do some work or what? 2 breaks in one day?", quite angrily. I don't have to put up with this as an adult but if I would say that she'd be "Fine, I can't say anything can I"
I think I will just have to make the best of the remaining time and chalk it all up to experience.... it'll be better once my husband is here I'm hoping and we'll get around a bit!

OP posts:
MissingKitty · 11/08/2024 21:19

Ladyinpink11 · 11/08/2024 20:55

One example of an argument - I was working one day and had done a lunch break. An hour later I had a friend round for just half an hour and once she was gone and I sat back at my computer she like "Are you going to do some work or what? 2 breaks in one day?", quite angrily. I don't have to put up with this as an adult but if I would say that she'd be "Fine, I can't say anything can I"
I think I will just have to make the best of the remaining time and chalk it all up to experience.... it'll be better once my husband is here I'm hoping and we'll get around a bit!

In fairness you are staying in her home, using her as free childcare, and then having friends over while she’s babysitting and you are ‘working’ to boot. It’s just too long staying together so i can see why she’s fed up too. Going away for a few days sounds like a nice idea.

Ladyinpink11 · 11/08/2024 21:23

MissingKitty · 11/08/2024 21:19

In fairness you are staying in her home, using her as free childcare, and then having friends over while she’s babysitting and you are ‘working’ to boot. It’s just too long staying together so i can see why she’s fed up too. Going away for a few days sounds like a nice idea.

That is true actually. I want to emphasize however that she absolutely LOVES looking after my little boy (who's also not a toddler anymore so quite easy going) and that I'm not working every day.. I also always make sure on my days off that I take him out for several hours/ half a day at a time so they get plenty of rest. I think as you say it's just all a bit too much and I'll just try and be as respectful as possible and accept her boundaries whilst I am here..

OP posts:
circular1985 · 11/08/2024 23:38

You working whilst there changes the dynamics, as you're focused on that for some of the time and expecting them to watch your dc. I think in your case you need to set boundaries about work/ social time and your overall plans and expectations.

Fiery30 · 12/08/2024 08:24

I think it depends on the dynamics with your mother as an adult now. I stay with my parents for 1.5 months and have the best time. My friend had a similar experience. Your mother's comment about breaks during work reflects her lack of understanding about what you do and also her not realising that you are not a teenager shirking off work. An open and honest conversation is required.

Ladyinpink11 · 12/08/2024 08:38

Fiery30 · 12/08/2024 08:24

I think it depends on the dynamics with your mother as an adult now. I stay with my parents for 1.5 months and have the best time. My friend had a similar experience. Your mother's comment about breaks during work reflects her lack of understanding about what you do and also her not realising that you are not a teenager shirking off work. An open and honest conversation is required.

Yes, it totally agree with you. We've got a very good relationship and always have a great time together. I think we really need to talk about the work arrangements as you say and I'll probably have to cut down on my social interactions a bit...

OP posts:
gottoget · 12/08/2024 08:39

MissingKitty · 11/08/2024 21:19

In fairness you are staying in her home, using her as free childcare, and then having friends over while she’s babysitting and you are ‘working’ to boot. It’s just too long staying together so i can see why she’s fed up too. Going away for a few days sounds like a nice idea.

And as much as your Mum loves her grandchild, maybe she could have done with a break, whilst you had two breaks? I can see her point.
I recently visited my Mum for 3 days, she begged me to, I said I'd go but I needed to do some work whilst I was there, she was really pissed off with how much work I did - which wasn't much (5-10mins every hour but it was time sensitive). It was like she was competing with my work for attention.

UnicornSpace · 12/08/2024 08:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HarliLane · 12/08/2024 09:00

We did six weeks every summer. Amazing times living a life in another country. My DC’s experienced so much, made new friends, tried new things. We could never afford to spend such an amount of time in another country. It is a lucky to have this option.

Some tips.
Honest conversations setting out clear rules, including the DC’s if apt.

My DM had a habit of ‘doing everything for the DC’s, burning herself out and blaming me for not doing enough ( even tho she was doing things for them that they were capable of and I would never do at home).

Plan separate time - a trip out alone ( beach, municipal pool), planning and preparing a picnic which releases your parents from providing.

Get into a simple routine. What happens at the start of each day? Who cooks and when? What does the week look like? My DC’s had picket money each week. Friday was market day and they looked forward to Friday for their shopping ( new toy, sweets..)

Keep some days very simple. We would visit the garden centre, DC’s would choose a plant, we would go home and garden. It helped my parents and kept the DC’s busy.
I planned play at home ( outdoor sports games, painting/drawing/crafts). Helped them to learn to play, then left them to it. No body bored or moaning.

Agree shopping costs. We would get a trolley each. They would get the basics, their usual shop ( cleaning stuff, store cupboard foods) and I would get the holiday extra’s and treats ( for me, them and the DC’s)

Plan a break within the holiday. We did a hotel city break with my parents and I also did a short holiday camp stay, just me and the DC’s. It gives everyone a break.

Check out local activities. My DC’s attended the local holiday clubs occasionally alongside other kids. These were provided free by the local ‘council’.

It is a huge opportunity, be positive, compromise and enjoy.

betterangels · 12/08/2024 09:04

In fairness you are staying in her home, using her as free childcare, and then having friends over while she’s babysitting and you are ‘working’ to boot

This would have annoyed me too if I were her.

A week is my limit anyway. No way would I have family staying for a month!

Ladyinpink11 · 12/08/2024 09:13

HarliLane · 12/08/2024 09:00

We did six weeks every summer. Amazing times living a life in another country. My DC’s experienced so much, made new friends, tried new things. We could never afford to spend such an amount of time in another country. It is a lucky to have this option.

Some tips.
Honest conversations setting out clear rules, including the DC’s if apt.

My DM had a habit of ‘doing everything for the DC’s, burning herself out and blaming me for not doing enough ( even tho she was doing things for them that they were capable of and I would never do at home).

Plan separate time - a trip out alone ( beach, municipal pool), planning and preparing a picnic which releases your parents from providing.

Get into a simple routine. What happens at the start of each day? Who cooks and when? What does the week look like? My DC’s had picket money each week. Friday was market day and they looked forward to Friday for their shopping ( new toy, sweets..)

Keep some days very simple. We would visit the garden centre, DC’s would choose a plant, we would go home and garden. It helped my parents and kept the DC’s busy.
I planned play at home ( outdoor sports games, painting/drawing/crafts). Helped them to learn to play, then left them to it. No body bored or moaning.

Agree shopping costs. We would get a trolley each. They would get the basics, their usual shop ( cleaning stuff, store cupboard foods) and I would get the holiday extra’s and treats ( for me, them and the DC’s)

Plan a break within the holiday. We did a hotel city break with my parents and I also did a short holiday camp stay, just me and the DC’s. It gives everyone a break.

Check out local activities. My DC’s attended the local holiday clubs occasionally alongside other kids. These were provided free by the local ‘council’.

It is a huge opportunity, be positive, compromise and enjoy.

Yes, this sounds fantastic and is what I am envisioning for my DS- it's a huge opportunity, spending g quality time withe the grandparents and experiencing a different culture!
I totally understand your point about your mum doing too much - this is my mum to a t. Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful.

OP posts: