To consider ending the relation over this

[Madamechoco]

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have a 1 year old DC.
DP has a very close relationship with his parents and I’d say that before having our DC my relationship with them had been good. My parents are no longer here.
DP knows that his DM can be a bit tactless and overly involved/controlling with him but she never used to be like this with me (well I say that but she refuses to call me by the shortened version of my name I always use when introducing myself as she thinks it sounds too common . Think Becs - Rebecca. So she is the only person who uses the long version of my name simply because she prefers it).

Since we had our child I have felt that his mother has become overbearing and at times overstepped what I consider acceptable boundaries with me. Some examples of bigger and smaller (for a fuller picture) things that have happened:

1. when we chose the baby’s middle name and it was a name of someone from my partner’s dad’s side (whom we know and love dearly), she got upset and tried to convince us that we should also give the baby another middle name from a deceased relative from her side of the family (someone I never met or my partner cared about). Her justification was the baby should have both sides of the family included in the name. I guess that would make me the ‘third side’? Idk
2. she doesn’t want to be called gran or granny and initially called herself grandma but now she calls herself mama and insists that DC refers to her as that.
3. she often talks to DC about me in 3rd person when I am in the room, which I mostly just ignore as its things along the lines of ‘is silly mummy not feeding you’ or ‘why are you crying? Is silly mummy pinching you?’. One time she was talking to my DC and referred to me as ‘your daddy’s girlfriend’
4. on a few occasions over the last year she would have a go at me for something really trivial I had said to my partner in a private conversation with him. He admitted that sometimes he chats to his dad about stuff and I am guessing that’s where she gets the info from. Example- a few months ago our baby was learning how to pull to stand and would literally do it everywhere day and night. I said to my partner that we shouldn’t just leave him to it in the crib at night because DC still being very wobbly had previously fallen and banged the back of the head. A few days later partner’s mother brings it up to tell me that I am wrong and should just leave the baby to it. It’s irrelevant who was right here, it’s more the fact that I just feel like there is no privacy in our relationship with DP. I started watching what I say to him knowing that it will probably be repeated to his parents. There are many similar examples and they all relate to just every day baby stuff that we chat about with DP. She feels the need to question me or pull me up on things I say to my DP.

It was mainly the issues in point 4 (plus accumulation of the other situations over the year) that made me decide to have a chat with DP to see if we can ask her to tone it down a bit. He reluctantly spoke to her and sadly things just got worse. Now I cannot do anything right in her view, I don’t feed the baby enough, I don’t hang out with ‘mum friends’ enough, I went back to work too soon, you name it. All of it delivered under the guise of helpful suggestions and/or comments made to my baby (isn’t mummy doing this and that?) and they are just incessant. My DP is now saying that I am the problem as I cannot take criticism from anyone and that I will probably struggle making friends with other mums when DC is in school. He suggested that therapy might help me. He is saying that his parents will be involved and that this should not be an issue for me. I want them to enjoy their grandchild but leave me alone. I just wish these comments would be directed at my DP and not me. I got to the point where I dread the forced visits and the anxiety I am left with afterwards and think that leaving DP is the only way out of this situation. If he hasn’t got my back, what is the point anyway?

Sorry, but you have a mahoosive DP problem

DP is the issue. Why is he telling his mother so much about you and your lives? Those apron strings were never cut.

I've had a similar-ish problem with my mil. Our baby was her first grandchild and I had all those kinds of comments too. I think she thought the baby would be born and she would swoop in and it would basically be at her house 24/7 for her. Thought she could walk all over me and call the shots. Overstepped every boundary. I argued with dh too over or all and he was defensive and made out at times it was also me. I think he was scared of any confrontation with her as she's walked all over him his whole life.

But it has got better as my child has got older. He's 3 now and he wouldn't stand for any of her comments himself or anything said about me. They will always pick their mum and she's realised that now he's older. We've recently had our second and she's hardly been around. Think she's finally taken the hint and took a step back. My advice is it may feel bad right now but hang on in there. It will get better and the dynamic will sort itself out and settle.

The problem is him

Agree with above. Your partner needs to keep his trap shut about his life with you and baby.

Keep your distance from this interfering woman and sort out a way forward with your DP.

Wanting to be called Mama is weird and unacceptable. You need to play her at her own game. Refer to her as granny everytime when talking to your baby and stop taking any shit from her. Your husband sounds useless and doesn’t have your back at all so you need to start establishing some boundaries. He sounds a complete bastard by suggesting you are the problem and won’t make any mum friends. Think seriously about your future with him.

DP is the problem, If you end the relationship DMIL will have unrestricted access to your baby and will brainwash them against you. I would limit contact with her, make mum friends or any other type of friends to be able to get away from DP and DMIL. Make excuses/other plans when visits are happening so you and baby aren't around. Take a walk in the park, go to the shops, anything. Call her granny all the time DO NOT use mama, thats creepy AF, she's pulling a power play and you're losing! Stone wall her, give her no information regarding your or baby's life, don't engage with her critisism, nod, tell her thanks but i'm good as i am and then change the subject, if she wont let you then leave the room/house/venue. Me and my DH's rule is what's discussed in our home stays in our home, if we need another opinion its a nuteral person, not family members as they will always be biased. It sounds like DP's parents are in his ear about you and what they see as your failures.

Difficult as if you split up she will take over when it's his turn to have the child and may poison the child's mind against you.

But I wouldn't tolerate this in a million years

Calling herself Mama is pathetic. Refer to her as 'Grand MAR MAR and if she objects, laugh and say, 'Oh come on you being ridiculous! You are NOT the child as mother , I am! 'Mama! Indeed!! Ha Ha Ha!'

Tell your partner that he needs to step up otherwise you'll be off and moving away.

You have a massive, massive partner problem, and unless you two are able to become a united team, your relationship is doomed.

His mother's behaviour is so incredibly inappropriate it's astounding. The days of you tolerating it need to be completely over, because "keeping the peace" is backfiring. Put this woman firmly in her place, each and every single time.

she refuses to call me by the shortened version of my name I always use when introducing myself as she thinks it sounds too common . Think Becs - Rebecca. So she is the only person who uses the long version of my name simply because she prefers it

Correct her, every single time.

she often talks to DC about me in 3rd person when I am in the room, which I mostly just ignore as its things along the lines of ‘is silly mummy not feeding you’ or ‘why are you crying? Is silly mummy pinching you?’. One time she was talking to my DC and referred to me as ‘your daddy’s girlfriend’

Next time, tell her immediately she can leave if she ever speaks about you like that again to your child.

she doesn’t want to be called gran or granny and initially called herself grandma but now she calls herself mama and insists that DC refers to her as that

She can't insist upon anything. Tell her clearly that your child will never be calling her mama.

I don't know how you're going to fix things with your partner, but it is not going to be easy.

Yes, I think sadly this is a relationship ending issue.

Your DP needs to have your back. And if he doesn't start soon, you need to have a proper think.

Mama?

Daddy's girlfriend?

Silly mummy..?

You're absolutely not being unreasonable but I agree with pps that he is the problem.

Calling you "your daddy's girlfriend" to your DC would be enough to make me blow up.

Yes I'd consider ending the relationship. I had a similar situation and luckily after a very difficult period DH realised and changed. It was a horrible year whilst it happened though.

Mamma is a perfectly normal grandparent name in many parts of the country and she can choose what she wants to be called. That part's not weird.

The rest is batshit and OP's DH needs to sort it out or refuse to allow her DC to go.

I agree with pp - correct every issue immediately as it occurs- with MiL and DP.

Sadly with people like this you can’t sit down and have a conversation where you address previous issues because they will immediately go on the defensive/ offensive and you will be labelled as hysterical and the conversation will be steered towards your irrelevant (usually non-existent) faults - anything they can use to point score and deflect from the real problem- which is them

'as I cannot take criticism'

Why do they think they have the right to criticise you? Cheek!

If you have to be guarded in your conversations with your partner, what is the point of him?

What are your living arrangements?

"My DP is now saying that I am the problem as I cannot take criticism from anyone and that I will probably struggle making friends with other mums when DC is in school. He suggested that therapy might help me."
He might have said the words, but they came from her. He's her little parrot.

Yes, you have a massive DP problem.

Gosh, for once this is really easy. Stop going. He can take dc on his own and you can go and do something you fancy.

If he questions it, ‘Don’t be silly dear, you know they are rude to me and don’t like having me around. This way we’re all happy.’

He has suggested you go to therapy then I would suggest back that you go to couples therapy. We see individual therapist for so many sessions then did joint sessions. It was very helpful as they also help you through if you decide to break up

You have a DP and MIL problem.

Your DP is a spineless and your MIL passive aggressive. Both cunts!

You either need to lay down the law with both, addressing the behaviour as it occurs.

Or leave the cunts!!

I'm intrigued. Where?

Can you move far far away from her?

Agree with PP this is a DP problem.

Your "D"P is a mummy's boy dick.

Definitely a DP problem

But also, do you have to go with him when he sees his parents ? Surely he is capable of taking your DC to see them without you.

I dont know what I'd do in your circumstances as I've not had a MIL so rude. Knowing me I would have said something much sooner & would be NC by now 😀.

Thank you all very much for taking your time to reply.

To answer some of your questions-

We live together in a house that he owns.

I had in the past suggested my going LC with his parents but my DP absolutely does not want that. He wants us all to spend time as a family.

I also never ever said anything to her because I’d been told this wouldn’t go down well with her. DP insisted that he needed to talk to her about her behaviour and not me.

You had me with 1, 2, and 3 alone. But those are all fixable if you're willing and able to put the energy into standing up to this absolute weirdo (mama? Wtf). She sounds like massive hard work who would be tiring and an absolute pain in the arse to have to put up with.

Your bigger issue unfortunately is your DP doesn't realise what she's like, or he does and thinks it's ok and wants to keep the peace. He needs to have your back but he has a huge thumbprint on his forehead.