To consider ending the relation over this

[Madamechoco]

DP and I have been together for 8 years and have a 1 year old DC.
DP has a very close relationship with his parents and I’d say that before having our DC my relationship with them had been good. My parents are no longer here.
DP knows that his DM can be a bit tactless and overly involved/controlling with him but she never used to be like this with me (well I say that but she refuses to call me by the shortened version of my name I always use when introducing myself as she thinks it sounds too common . Think Becs - Rebecca. So she is the only person who uses the long version of my name simply because she prefers it).

Since we had our child I have felt that his mother has become overbearing and at times overstepped what I consider acceptable boundaries with me. Some examples of bigger and smaller (for a fuller picture) things that have happened:

1. when we chose the baby’s middle name and it was a name of someone from my partner’s dad’s side (whom we know and love dearly), she got upset and tried to convince us that we should also give the baby another middle name from a deceased relative from her side of the family (someone I never met or my partner cared about). Her justification was the baby should have both sides of the family included in the name. I guess that would make me the ‘third side’? Idk
2. she doesn’t want to be called gran or granny and initially called herself grandma but now she calls herself mama and insists that DC refers to her as that.
3. she often talks to DC about me in 3rd person when I am in the room, which I mostly just ignore as its things along the lines of ‘is silly mummy not feeding you’ or ‘why are you crying? Is silly mummy pinching you?’. One time she was talking to my DC and referred to me as ‘your daddy’s girlfriend’
4. on a few occasions over the last year she would have a go at me for something really trivial I had said to my partner in a private conversation with him. He admitted that sometimes he chats to his dad about stuff and I am guessing that’s where she gets the info from. Example- a few months ago our baby was learning how to pull to stand and would literally do it everywhere day and night. I said to my partner that we shouldn’t just leave him to it in the crib at night because DC still being very wobbly had previously fallen and banged the back of the head. A few days later partner’s mother brings it up to tell me that I am wrong and should just leave the baby to it. It’s irrelevant who was right here, it’s more the fact that I just feel like there is no privacy in our relationship with DP. I started watching what I say to him knowing that it will probably be repeated to his parents. There are many similar examples and they all relate to just every day baby stuff that we chat about with DP. She feels the need to question me or pull me up on things I say to my DP.

It was mainly the issues in point 4 (plus accumulation of the other situations over the year) that made me decide to have a chat with DP to see if we can ask her to tone it down a bit. He reluctantly spoke to her and sadly things just got worse. Now I cannot do anything right in her view, I don’t feed the baby enough, I don’t hang out with ‘mum friends’ enough, I went back to work too soon, you name it. All of it delivered under the guise of helpful suggestions and/or comments made to my baby (isn’t mummy doing this and that?) and they are just incessant. My DP is now saying that I am the problem as I cannot take criticism from anyone and that I will probably struggle making friends with other mums when DC is in school. He suggested that therapy might help me. He is saying that his parents will be involved and that this should not be an issue for me. I want them to enjoy their grandchild but leave me alone. I just wish these comments would be directed at my DP and not me. I got to the point where I dread the forced visits and the anxiety I am left with afterwards and think that leaving DP is the only way out of this situation. If he hasn’t got my back, what is the point anyway?

You are quite vulnerable here, with him owning the house.

Where are your family/friends? Do you have any back up around you?

She is not going to change a lifetime of controlling any time soon.

If you do decide to leave, where will you go?

It's the final point that's the issue. The others would be something you could deal with if your DP accepted/understood that his mother's behaviour was terrible, but apparently he doesn't and isn't willing to consider that this might be the case.

You are not the one who needs therapy in this relationship!

One time she was talking to my DC and referred to me as ‘your daddy’s girlfriend’

Fucking hell. That's AWFUL.

With a bully like this, you NEED to tackle things head on yourself. She sounds as if nobody has ever, ever stood up to her before and if sh’s got away with her shitty comments for so long, she thinks she’s home and dry.

I do think long term your relationship is going to struggle but before ending things. I would challenge her directly for every nasty comment she makes.

‘ Excuse me did I hear you calling me DADDY’S GIRLFRIEND? How rude and disrespectful are you?’ Sweep in, pick DC up and leave.

’Call me mamma’ ‘Oh MIL don’t be so silly. We all know who DC’s mamma is. Now do your prefer granny or grandma? Nanna might even work-I’ll let you think about it and you can let DP and I know what you choose’ Sweep in, pick DC up and leave.

Repeat….

You’d be amazed at how shocked somebody like this is when some they are challenged.
I suspect you leaving DP is exactly what she wants to happen. If he hasn’t got the balls to stand up to her, you need to.

Except when dc is older and understands what mil has been saying for years….

You're putting way too much thought into this. Just ignore her and crack on.

Your dp is a twat.

If she says, "mummy isn't feeding you" respond with, "oh, does daddy not have a role to play here MIL?" And repeat with all the passive aggressive comments. Bullies like this aren't used to being challenged. You don't have to be rude, but relentless.

Re the name, "MIL, my name is Bex. I really don't understand why that is hard for you. Please don't call me Rebecca". Every time. Of she still refuses, start using a version of her name she hates. (Thisnis how I stopped a couple of men who thought it was hilarious to call me Mrs DhName when they knew I was keeping my name - I started referring to them as mrDWName every time. They didn't like it).

Starlingexpress

Much as I would like to do more than call out a MIL like this, OP is living in his house, that he owns. She is vulnerable, as MIL obviously pulls his strings.
If I were in OP's position, I would like to know that I had somewhere to go, before I started calling her out.

The 'D' P has already suggested that she needs therapy, based on his Mum's observations. He is already suggesting that OP needs to take criticism, and is underminining her - apparently she will not be able to make friends. He has stated that his parents will be involved, despite their undermining.
'Daddy's girlfriend' says it all, really.

OP, I think that you should start looking at your options, because he is never going to have your back.

I completely understand what you’re going through OP, my MiL is a right cow. Manipulative, controlling, passive aggressive, she’s been awful to me with snide comments, little subtle digs. Unfortunately I was young and weak and just suffered it all over the years, but it all escalated when I had kids, I won’t go into specifics right now (it’s a whole other thread) but it completely broke my relationship with my OH.
we are still together (only just) and over the years Ive distanced myself from his family, the kids don’t often see his family as they don’t make an effort and my OH can’t be arsed with it much as it’s not me that’s facilitating it, HE has to do it all so it rarely happens.
The kids don’t ask to see his family, and that’s very telling in my opinion.

My advice to you OP is to take a look at your relationship with your DH, take the MiL out if it and there’s no problem other than her then you’ll know if it’s worth fighting for.
if there are other issues, I’d cut your losses, you don’t need that shite in your life. You’ll be much happier in the long run.
if you choose to stay and work at it, you need to either do as op have said, and pick the MiL up on every shitty comment, every snide action. Don’t let her get away with it, easier said than done (I know).
Or choose wisely a good time to speak to your OH.
out of interest what’s the FiL like??

He’s the problem. And by telling you you need therapy is abysmal. Hes a mummy’s boy and it can only get worse. Don’t let him belittle you it will shatter your confidence. X

T9 add definitely call her out on it. People like that say these things because they’re never challenged. Horrible old bat 🤬

It most definitely isn't! Can you list these places where you think it's a "perfectly normal" name for a grandmother? It's creepy, offensive and potentially confusing for the child.

Sorry, but you have a mahoosive DP problem

Why do so many of you have comprehension issues? She knows this, that's why she's asking about ending her relationship with her partner!The MIL stuff is just background.

At least give the OP the courtesy of reading all the way to the end of her post.

You have a huge problem
Your MiL is passive aggressive and bitchy
Your DP accepts her treating you like that and is even parroting her words back to you!
DP should have your back
Can you afford to move?!
You will become more resentful over time, as anyone would and your relationship is doomed