Possible ADHD and the coffee table

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Bear with me, there is a link!

I have suffered my whole life with chronic disorganization. No matter how hard I try, things just get away from me. I procrastinate because I dont know where to start so it gets worse and worse to the point where you cant move in the house, I cant have people over as there is stuff everywhere I often end up in tears as I simply dont know where to start. Does this sound like ADHD? I put off things like calling to arrange MOT as it seems overwhelming because what if it fails, I would then have to organise that and it all gets a bit much. Oddly enough, with time I am so paranoid about being late that I am usually ridiculously early, so not late at all.

We came back from holiday yesterday, a week in an apartment that was easy to keep tidy as it was already tidy and we didnt have much stuff with us. Got back and am utterly ashamed at the state of the house. So I have made a start, I am going from one end of each room to the other and am being ruthless, I keep the image of that lovely flat in my head. But I am not thinking about the rest of the house right now. Just the lounge, I just need to do the lounge, then maybe I will have head space to do another room but if I think about that now it will overwhelm me, so I am just doing the lounge.

I have realised that the coffee table we have, which is lovely when it is clean and tidy, is just a dumping ground. Right now I have cleared some of it and there is.....laptop charger, sun cream, 2 battery candles with flat batteries, bag of dice (DSs) free nespresso mug in box, fruit bowl with several pairs of glasses, random charger cables, lego, pens and two lots of paracetamol in there, pile of papers and magazine, two tote bags that need their handles searing, a small pile of clothes that was going to the charity shop about 2 months ago, a t shirt, two tupperwares and a battery lamp.

I should get rid of the coffee table shouldnt I? I like it, it finishes the room when it looks how it should but it almost never looks as it should and no matter how good my intentions, it always ends up covered in crap for months on end. I worry though that if I get rid of the coffee table I will just find somewhere else to dump stuff. You kind of get used to the clutter and stop seeing it after a while, I think thats why this holiday helped me see it again.

I am so ashamed that at 51 I live like this, so please help.

And thank you to the other Mumsnetter who posted about her similar problems recently, you have given me the courage to admit to having this issue.

If you get rid of the coffee table you will just dump the stuff somewhere else unless you come up with a better system for putting things away.

I am 52 and have many of the same problems! Get on the list for ADHD assessment.

Do some reading around it for practical systems and to reduce the shame - it’s a difficult condition

Don’t get rid of the coffee table, you will only jump stuff somewhere else. Get rid of as much as you can, have places for the rest - and don’t expect things to be perfect. I love a blank hotel room, but no one’s actual home can look like that.

I have the very same issues. It's hard. I recently got a big storage closet thing, have had it fitted with shelves and am in the process of getting boxes to label, so that every piece of crap we own will have a home. My fear is that I won't be able to keep it organised and it will be the new dumping ground and I will eventually be unable to close the doors.

I know what I have to do; declutter, avoid accumulation of further clutter, have a place for everything and put everything in It's place, deal with life administration immediately.

I can just never seem to do ot though 😕

Do you have a loft where you could store the coffee table and see if it makes a difference? It will still be there if you change your mind...

Its somewhat irrelevant whether you have ADHD or not, a diagnosis wont change how you function. unless you want to try medication, which comes with its own issues

But what you have is avoidance, procrastination, a bit of catasrophising and the combination is paralysis.

So its about learning techniques to address the avoidance and talk yourself through the possible outcomes, yes the MOT might fail and then normally what happens is that they phone you and say these tyres need replacing, do you want to replace them, you say yes, they replace them and pass the MOT (an example)

The best advice I had about non avoidance is that you write a list. You work through the list like a shopping list or a recipe. Sometimes I cant face things on the list but the other things get done. The more things get done, the better I feel I can face the other things on the list.

Right now I have varying lists and one thing on there has been on there for weeks and weeks. Its to send an email to someone, I dont know why on earth Im avoiding it, its ridiculous, its about the garden!!!!
Learn that sometimes these things will happen and its ok
Do things in short bursts as well, dont spend all day looking at the coffee table, do 5 mins to clear some of it and then come back the next day.

Don't get rid of the table. Get rid of the stuff that's on it. Keep the laptop charger and fruit bowl, put the paracetamol and suncream in the bathroom, sunglasses in the car. Throw away as many of the other items as you can. I bet you don't miss them.

Set yourself a challenge to see how many days you can go to bed with a nice clear coffee table.

I’m similar OP, and my solution (such as it is) is to have designated dumping grounds that are out of sight. Other than those areas, my house is very tidy (obsessively so, some would say…).

The dumping ground itself tends to change, depending on the current state of DIY projects. At the moment it’s a spare room, a shed, and a small table in the hallway.

Every few months I ruthlessly purge the dumping ground and get rid of 90% of the crap.

Nothing else works, I just can’t stay focused enough to routinely keep everything immaculate, it makes me feel overwhelmed.

I'd say keep the table but set an alarm on your phone 2 times a week (at a time that will work) to clean it. Then you have to go and clear it off at that time, no matter what!

Random stuff drawers. Works like magic. I have nice small drawers in a corner that's where everything goes

Treat yourself to a really nice notebook and make a list. Don't forget to put stuff on it that's nearly done, that way you will soon have stuff to cross off. Set yourself a target of crossing off at least one job every day. When the page is full or starts to look really messy, start a new page. Write a fresh list of the things that are still waiting. I've been doing it for years and it's the only thing that keeps me on track. Keep the book open at the list with a pen, some days my husband will cross something off, that's a real bonus

I’ve tried this sort of thing but it never works for me after a couple of goes. I just ignore the reminders. The type of people this works for probably don’t need it in the first place.

Google A Slob Comes Clean - Dana K White. She has a podcast as well as books and a method that I can manage to follow (in short bursts anyway!). You might find her approach helpful.

Edited as was a duplicate

It does sound like Adhd. I leave things to the last minute too and get completely overwhelmed by having to phone for appointments and stuff like that. Have piles of stuff to sort and put away and the idea of doing them makes me feel so tired.

Are you on hrt? Peri and menopause make it all worse. Often women with adhd cope until hormones go awry in middle age.

I tend to agree with @TheLeadbetterLife there always has to be a dumping ground - if I clear the hall table, it moves to a side in the kitchen or the top of the book shelf or the study.

I’ve got a series of wicker baskets and trays under the hall table that we dump things in.

tbh, adhd or no, I am never going to e a person that spends all day rehoming things in wrong locations, it wouldn’t be a good use of my time.

Seconding Dana K White (you need the K or you'll get a bloke!). You tube, podcasts, books.

she's not diagnosed, but is definitely on the spectrum.

it will really help you.

I don’t want to be an armchair psychologist but I suffer from similar symptoms and pinned it down to being in a constant freeze state due to trauma. I am currently looking at ways to heal, but it makes the world seem very overwhelming and even picking up the phone is stressful. ADHD meds work but they are not a long term fix

This is me too. Compounded by physical health issues too. Complete overwhelm. Start solving one issue and you discover another. So a lot of what isn't put away is because it doesn't have a home, or that home is now full. So before I can put that thing away I have to declutter it's "home". Then in doing that I find something that just needs xyz doing for it to be functional and if I just quickly search for its thing on amazon I can get it ordered and sorted and x item can be backnin use or passed on. So then I'm on amazon sorting that out. Then whilst on Amazon, I notice that something I've got on regular order is due and I don't want it as haven't finished the last one yet, so I'm then cancelling that. While I'm in there, that reminds me I need to set up another regular delivery of something else so I might as well do that (and it's more important that tidying!). Then I need to quickly do some research on that before I can order...etc etc ad infinitum until the 30 mins I had for tidying is all gone.

Drive myself bonkers 😩

@TheLeadbetterLife I agree with you that reminders can just get ignored but I can just about cope with doing things daily eg if I tidied the coffee table last thing at night every day when there are just one or two things to tidy, it’s easier to cope with because there is less mess and it is routine.

I would keep the coffee table, @PyongyangKipperbang. Try tidying it daily. Put something you love on it that gives you pleasure so you feel good looking at it when it is clean an tidy eg flowers, a plant, a scented candle, whatever motivates you. I also find a random drawer or basket or box of shame hidden away somewhere for items you can’t find a permanent home for can live.

Thanks all I do appreciate the replies. The thing is that I bought this coffee table (the leksvig or something like that) from Ikea. It has shelving underneath for baskets. Perfect for secret crap, which is how my sister used it and recommended it to me.

Except every basket was soon full, and so were the baskets underneath and then it was on top......

Storage system...dont start me, I have tried so many over the years but the key thing is to be organised enough to keep using them instead of just dumping stuff. I have tried several "get organised" books and podcasts, I start with the best of intentions and it quickly goes awry. I work, am a single parent and am my parents carer so I feel like I am meeting myself coming back the other way sometimes which I dont htink helps. I tend to collaps and think "ah fuck it, I'll do it tomorrow" at the end of the day and of course, tomorrow never comes....

I can relate to the "freeze" thing. I suffered serious trauma almost 6 years ago when my exH beat me very badly and tried to strangle me, I almost died. Its been worse since then. I shut down after it happened which is understandable but despite getting going in all other respects since then, I cant seem to get back to managing on this. I was never going to be the worlds greatest housekeeper, always have a tendency towards clutter but I was never like this. It coincided with menopause and developing an ED, so psychologically its been a fucked up few years. And I have long suspected I am on the spectrum, so all in all.....

However, lounge is done except for one pizza box which contains my leftovers that I am about to eat and a pile of stuff that will be going into the car shortly for dropping off at the charity shop (a new community one has opened around the corner so no excuses as I dont need to go into town, park etc all the excuses I used to not go before!) 3 bin bags of crap in the bin and an order for a coat stand in with Amazon. I feel better already.

Well done OP! 👏

Sounds amazing - and all in all, sounds like you’re doing really well to care for all of those people, that is a lot of things to keep on top of.

I can identify so much with all of this.

I suffered a series of traumatic life events last year , culminating in an unwise house move.

Previously I could overcome my natural laziness and be quite disciplined and tidy, but now everything has gone South.

Most of my stuff is still in boxes months later. Although this house is much bigger there was more 'clever ' storage in my old place. Every time I try to unpack I feel overwhelmed with panic. Beta blockers are not helping.

On my own dumping ground ( kitchen table) I have several books, a pile of post ( some unopened) several pairs of kitchen scissors, various medications, some cotton buds, ear wax remover, two new cat collars, vitamin tablets, a tea towel, seven pods of broad beans, several bowls, a tangled mass of charger wires, a multi plug socket thing, and a scribbled list of notes from work, a key to my old house that I can't bring myself to dispose of ( don't need to be a genius to work that one out) and a bag of food for the pond fish.

Hello @TheLeadbetterLife . I agree that most of the suggested remedies such as alarms etc, just don't work as they are all quickly overcome by inertia and ennui. ( ie in my case being a slob at heart.)

Awesome! When you go to the charity shop, treat yourself to something to go on the coffee table, whether that is flowers, chocolates, wine, more pizza… 😂

I have adhd and sound EXACTLY like you do
I'm also a throw-away-er because it's easier than tidying or decluttering. I can't do that like a regular person

Can you buy one that has storage you know is for the clutter, not meant to be tidy
Please learn from my mistake and don't get rid of your coffee table?

I did that last year and it didn't help. The regret of getting rid of it started eating me up so much I couldn't go ahead with buying a new one. I couldn't stop thinking about how stupid I'd been throwing the last table away it took me months to choose a replacement (I'm shit at online shopping and scroll for hours)
I only ended up dumping the stuff everywhere else around the house

I find the first step is to make sure everything has a home. Once that is the case I go around the rooms returning everything to the room in which it should be.

Then room by room it goes into the place it belongs.

It's easier said than done as stuff appears all the time and has to allocated a new home but it's a start.