To be annoyed at PIL's comments

[tiredoutmumma24]

PIL's are lovely people and would do anything for their grandchildren (DSS 7 and DS 6 months). However their unnecessary comments are getting to me. They are currently staying with us for another week but it's things like:

MIL: "does DSS get hid away in his bedroom all day everyday?" where in fact DSS had had a friend round that morning then played football in the garden with DH before going to watch TV in his room and have a snack for half hour before we were going out swimming.

MIL: "DSS said that DH drives fast". DH and DSS had been talking about sports cars and DH had said he prefers X to Y and Z because they're faster. We live in a city and hardly drive because the traffic is so bad, we haven't been anywhere recently that DH could drive more than 40mph!

FIL: to DS "I heard you whining in the night, were you letting everyone know you were there". I don't need to be reminded that my LO is awake at night, feeding off of me to go back to sleep. Especially when I'm then up early anyway and FIL sleeps in until at least 11am everyday!

Sorry for the rant! Should I just let these go and breathe a sigh of relief when they finally leave or say something back. Annoyingly MIL once she's had a dig at DH to me will always end with saying "but don't say I said anything". She seems to want to rile me up but won't confront DH with these ridiculous sorts of things!

I honestly can't see anything wrong with 2 or 3. Particularly 3, it's just what people say to babies. I can see that 1 might be a little annoying, but that's it really.

Try asking 'why do you say that', make them explain themselves.

When MIL starts on about your DH, interrupt and tell her there are no secrets between you and your husband. If she persists, then - in front of her - tell your husband. Maybe let him know in advance you are going to do this.

Keep a confused smile on your face.

Their behaviour is not healthy. They are trying to make you feel worse about yourselves. People who truly care dont do that.
Read up about triangulation in relation to what MIL is doing.

Stop trying to find things to be annoyed about. They sound like perfectly good people

Can’t see the issue here at all,

eh did you post on the wrong thread?

Annoyingly MIL once she's had a dig at DH to me will always end with saying "but don't say I said anything".

What sort of things is she saying about him?

Mainly pointing out what he hasn't done or that he hasn't spent time with the children. None of it is normally true, he does his absolute fair share around the house etc and

Thank you - I was thinking this, having them stay is full on and am I just finding non issues and taking them to heart.

Ah, another week they are staying...that's the problem. It's really hard having guests. I struggle after more than 3 days. Even family and little things start to grate.

This is true! My family are all local to us so we don't overspend time together or have them to stay as it's not necessary

They sound pretty mild. Just answer factually when needed, eg with the first one - he’s had a friend round and played in the garden, he’s just having a bit of downtime.

I’m guessing from your response to your FIL’s comment about the baby grizzling that you are v tired, but there’s nothing wrong with what he said, it’s just chit chat.

You can tell your MIL not to tell you stuff she doesn’t want repeated to your son - you can do that in a light way.

Thank you, I needed to vent it out to then get a better perspective of it.

But another one, MIL saw me making up bottles for LO (I have combi fed from the early days so it's no surprise) and she says to me "oh you gave up on BF'ing then" I know she feels strongly about EBF so this was definitely a dig at me but never mind, I will smile and let things go

Thank you, I shouldn't moan, it could definitely be a hell of a lot worse

I can sympathise. My MIL was a master at pass ag.

Comments about your DH "no point telling me, you need to tell him"

Reference to whining is off in my opinion, babies cry. "Just crying like babies do in the night".

Reference to EBF "being a good mother is about more than breast feeding"

The comment about dss7 I sort of get because I don't agree children shoukd have tv's in their bedrooms. But just respond with "oh give him a break he's been on the go all day".

I think you do have to push back to maintain your agency otherwise these little comme ts grow legs

I hope they are helping.

I think any adult in the the house apart from DP is always going to grate. We have adult SD here at min and it's draining, even though she is very polite and respectful.
I'm wondering if MIL talking to you about her son is her trying to connect with some female solidarity. Perhaps you can try to make chit chat about other things instead.

But there is truth in the saying about fish and guests going off after three days!

Practice some replies.. Mil hissed at me out of dh's earshot that his ex had wanted his dc.. Minutes after telling her I was pregnant.. Shame he didn't love her I snapped back....
Or ask her to repeat her comments when dh is around.

I don't think this is even a dig. It's likely a thought she had that she should probably have kept to herself. Thinking out loud, as it were. I feel for you as it's no doubt irritating, but I occasionally say stuff without meaning to be annoying, more as a discussion point. My pregnant DIL told me she found other women (particularly older ones)talking about their own pregnancies was really annoying, fot example but I think it's such a human response for grandparents to be reminded of their time of being pregnant/ having young families. So there is a bit of 'I remember when'. I have learnt not to do it, and have the conversations with my older friends instead, but it seems a shame as it could be a bonding moment instead of perceived criticism. But that takes goodwill and trust on both sides I think.

Sounds like they can’t say anything right to you and they are probably picking up on your dislike for them which will make it worse.

@tiredoutmumma24

whinge away, but yeah they're slight annoying comments, but you just need to comment back or roll your eyes!

1 yeah, we find he's less bother when locked in his room! I'm not sure how you slept through DSS & friend playing this morning😂 or him & DH playing football, though I did ask them to keep the noise down as when you get older you do need your sleep. Feel free to come swimming!

2 DH would LOVE to drive a fast car, but around here it's a miracle if you get to 40mph, which is why we walk to most places.

3 FIL yep, typical baby, likes to be granted an audience in the night! 🤷🏻‍♀️

in MIL's earshot..
'DH your mum is concerned you drive too fast/dont xyz'

just show her you won't be keeping secrets

No matter how much you want to see them or are looking forward to their visit there is no getting away from the fact that house guests are like fish - more than 3 days and they are on the turn.

I agree with the poster up thread 2 can be easily explained. 3 is just a turn phrase. 1 you can shut easily and jokily 'Your memory is slipping, DS had his friend over for football this morning, don't you remember'

Rey not to react to every comment, you don't even have to respond - change the subject, get yourself a drink, go to the loo.

Deep breath. OP

Are they actually staying with you?

Now you have DC2, maybe they’ll be more comfortable staying at local premier inn next time?

Their comments are annoying but it’s getting to you because your stuck with them in your house for so long.

Some people just need to talk even if they have got nothing useful to say!

Limit their stays to 3 days, that’s my absolute max. I’d be picking her up on every comment and telling her not to make digs at your Dh, she needs to talk to him, every single time til she’s bored of being told!

Annoyingly MIL once she's had a dig at DH to me will always end with saying "but don't say I said anything". She seems to want to rile me up but won't confront DH with these ridiculous sorts of things!I

"Oh well MIL, don't tell me these things then, I feel bad keeping things from DH."

Try and head her off a bit, if she starts talking about DH, "can I just stop you there a moment - is this going to be something I musn't mention to DH? Because if so I'd rather not hear it - or you could just mention it to him instead?"

I fell into the trap donkeys years ago of just listening and nodding, until they were saying things when he lost his job that implied he'd done something dodgy. "We think he must have done something very silly at least." It was much harder to stop this ingrained habit they had by then and I had to be rather abrupt with them - and at that point I told him anyway. He rang them up annoyed and although they were put out with me, they couldn't really defend their position. But I would rather have avoided the whole uncomfortable issue.

I don't think this is even a dig. It's likely a thought she had that she should probably have kept to herself. Thinking out loud, as it were. I feel for you as it's no doubt irritating, but I occasionally say stuff without meaning to be annoying, more as a discussion point

me too, the op seems to be really searching for stuff to be offended about. Maybe wanted to have a shit mother in law and join in on here with the folks who do, maybe just very sensitive, maybe not coping with them staying. Who knows. But she’s definitely trying hard to be offended.