To expect ex to have his own home by now?

[ThisLife2024]

We have 2 children and split almost 3 years ago. Finances were settled over 12 months ago and I bought him out of the house so he has £50k in the bank. Works full time, same job for years, so could get a mortgage or rent.

He is still living between his girlfriend’s and parents’ houses, paying rent to neither (or so he says). Has our kids one night a week and his excuse for not having them more is that it’s not his own place they stay at (it is his parents’ home).

This is now pissing me off as I feel he should be taking on more of the childcare but he says he won’t rent (dead money) and is waiting for interest rates to come down before he buys. Meanwhile I am working 2 jobs and paying a massive mortgage to keep a roof over our kids’ heads.

He insists he won’t live in his GF’s house either and the kids have never been into her house (she has no kids).

I just feel like he is living in limbo and not moving on, it’s affecting our children as they share a camp bed at his parents’ every week and hate going. He even asks me to pack a bag for them every week and brings back their dirty washing for me to launder as he claims there is no room to store their clothes and he can’t access the washing machine. He does none of the school runs unless on the odd occasion they stay at his parents’ on a school night (literally about 3 times this year so far).

Should he have sorted his own place by now?

I think you are being unreasonable to demand he has his own place to your timescale.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable that he takes more responsibility for the children and you need to work out together how that can happen when his living arrangements are as you’ve described.

Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t want him living with her? Maybe she doesn’t want your children in her house?

Of course he should but it's much easier to have mummy and daddy wait on him, do his washing presumably if he doesn't have access and go to his girlfriend's shag pad when it suits. You do all the real parenting and he gets a few fun bits. Not much you can do but you can tell from me, by experience, that if he leaves it too long, his kids will never see his place as a home, just somewhere dad lives and go less and less as they build their own independence.

@Witchbitch20 I really don't think it's the OPs job to work out with him. He's an adult. He should want to have a place that his kids call home. I agree re the girlfriend..nothing to do with her at all but a year or so renting til he's ready to buy is not unreasonable.

@BibbleandSqwauk but he doesn’t and realistically doesn’t sound like he will, so what’s the alternative?

OP can’t force home into renting or buying. His relationship with his children is his responsibility - if they don’t want to see him that’s on him. If I was the OP I’d be making sure I could tell my children (when they are older) that I did as much as I could to facilitate the relationship.

do you get all cms you are entitled to given he has one night a week

but honestly…. why you’d be wanting your children to spend more time with him is more baffling than anything

I don’t think there’s anything you can do about this tbh.
It definitely not down to his gf to provide either him or his children with accommodation.

The only thing I can suggest is that he finds an alternative to the current sleeping arrangements.

I think it depends what he earns. If he earns 30k he will probably be able to raise a mortgage of 90-120k perhaps less based on affordability if he has debts, maintenance, car on finance etc. So even with his 50k for the deposit and expenses of buying he will have a budget of 130k - 170k and might struggle to get anything.

But if he earns 80k he can probably get a mortgage of 240-320 so totally different prospects.

I don't blame him for not wanting to rent as depending on his wages he might not be able to save anything and in turn not be able to buy again.

If he is not sure if he can afford to buy perhaps you could encourage him to talk to a mortgage broker. There is speculation of interest rates being reduced in the autumn.

Just to add OP it's possible that he is stalling for all the reasons that you have said. Perhaps he doesn't want to have the kids several times a week, to do their school runs and their laundry.

Terrible if that is the case but not much you can do about it.

Honestly? don't contact him about overnights, wait for him to take the initiative, he won't, and your kids will be free of a deadbeat dad.

This.

I don't think it's about what he should do as you can't change that.

It's about what you shouldn't be doing.

You shouldn't be packing backs for the kids and doing the washing etc.

If he wants the kids to stay over, let him facilitate that himself.

He literally said yesterday, that he’s taking the kids away for a few days so I’ll need to pack their bags. I told him I wouldn’t be doing. He didn’t help me pack for our trip! 😤 I just don’t get how he still expects me to do everything while he does very little. Story of our marriage.

Yes I’m pretty sure that his GF doesn’t want her home becoming his family home. Which is totally understandable! But I have to work my ass off to pay my mortgage and bring up the kids almost single-handedly while he dips into parenting one night a week and is doted over by his new GF. He’s adamant he can’t do more nights with the kids. More like won’t.

Is he actually giving you the money that he should be OP?

I don't think it's that hard to understand...the OP feels she became a parent as a joint enterprise and has been left to do it all alone. I resent the fuck out of my ex for doing similar. I love my kids but I'm quite happy to say I want some time to myself too...to build a new relationship, to have some autonomy, to rest. Given what the OP has said about him wanting her to pack the kids bags I can totally see why she'd want him to stop taking the piss and hold up his end of the parenting load.

I agree that in his situation renting is dead money. Interest rates will continue to come down so we’d probably wait a bit longer, too.

How can he pack the kids stuff for the trip, if all the stuff is at your home, unless you're happy for him to come round and do it of course.
All the rest of it, YABU.

Why has he not got stuff for his own kids? Why is it down to OP? Why can't he use a bloody washing machine? Why can't he be a useful parent yet you think she's unreasonable?? Christ the bar is on the floor these days.

I’ve said it many times on here before, it’s the long game on this kind of thing.
Yes, it would be lovely for interest rates to come down but that could be YEARS. I don’t know how old your kids are but even a single year to a child feels like a decade as time moves more slowly for them. All the time they are making negative associations with their dad and staying at his in some transient lifestyle that teens would start to just refuse to stay in.
He clearly doesn’t see that. If interest rates are more important than building a strong and lifelong bond with and providing a secure and stable home for his children then that’s on him.
Your children will come to see everything you are willing to do for them, and everything their father isn’t. One day it will all come out in the wash. As annoying as it is shouldering the burden of having a shit co-parent, just keep being the best parent you can be and let fate take its course.

It might be that it's an excuse, it might be that he genuinely can't. It depends on his income.

I earn above average, but wouldn't meet the (unrealistically high) affordability criteria for a mortgage on my own in my area. I would also struggle to get a place to rent, as the credit checks are based on income not savings - and they no longer allow rent payments up front due to legislation aimed to prevent money laundering.

As others have said it's the wrong point to focus on though. He could live in a mansion and still refuse to have the children stay. It's unfair, but there's not a lot you can do if he has a shitty attitude to parenting. Your children will understand who was there for them, and who wasn't, as they get older.

He needs to get himself to a launderette and come up with a solution for storing clothes, even if it means he needs to put up with having less space/getting rid of some of his own stuff. The buying a house issue you can't control, but it sounds like the kids will vote with their feet and not want to go for visits if he doesn't get his own place soon. I totally see why you're frustrated as he's clearly wanting to have his cake and eat it. Refuse to facilitate things like doing laundry and packing bags.

He is more than welcome in my home and to come and get the kids stuff. We are very amicable and he still has a key, in case he needs the kids’ stuff when I am out.

Thanks everyone for replying, I love that I can vent on here and get some honesty!

It’s the time frame that does my head in. If it was the first year or even second I would understand but he’s had almost 3 to sort his shit out. And I have to pay the horrendous interest rates, so I don’t see why he shouldn’t.

I guess the kids will see soon how little effort he is making.

First of all you'd have to work just as hard whether he had his own house or not. Your mortgage payment and bills would be the same. But I get that it's annoying that he seems to be bumming along with his mum and GF wiping his arse for him. But you have no control over that.

You do have control over your behaviour. You need to stop wiping his arse for him too. He needs to sort clothes for his own place. Stop accepting bags of washing from him. I wouldn't offer for him to come and take things from your house or look after the kids at yours. That's just enabling him. He needs to start parenting independently and that means providing clothing, washing clothes, cleaning up after them. Not just taking them to McDonald's once a week and watching TV with them at his mum's. The kids will end up not wanting to see him and it'll all be his own fault.

Is he paying maintenance? Please tell me he's paying maintenance at least!