To expect ex to have his own home by now?

[ThisLife2024]

We have 2 children and split almost 3 years ago. Finances were settled over 12 months ago and I bought him out of the house so he has £50k in the bank. Works full time, same job for years, so could get a mortgage or rent.

He is still living between his girlfriend’s and parents’ houses, paying rent to neither (or so he says). Has our kids one night a week and his excuse for not having them more is that it’s not his own place they stay at (it is his parents’ home).

This is now pissing me off as I feel he should be taking on more of the childcare but he says he won’t rent (dead money) and is waiting for interest rates to come down before he buys. Meanwhile I am working 2 jobs and paying a massive mortgage to keep a roof over our kids’ heads.

He insists he won’t live in his GF’s house either and the kids have never been into her house (she has no kids).

I just feel like he is living in limbo and not moving on, it’s affecting our children as they share a camp bed at his parents’ every week and hate going. He even asks me to pack a bag for them every week and brings back their dirty washing for me to launder as he claims there is no room to store their clothes and he can’t access the washing machine. He does none of the school runs unless on the odd occasion they stay at his parents’ on a school night (literally about 3 times this year so far).

Should he have sorted his own place by now?

Well he's a useless piece of shit and your kids can already see it!

Let it go. He will never be the dad you hoped he would be.

Definitely don't help him out by packing bags etc. Those invisible jobs are part of being a good parent. It's better that your kids learn sooner rather than later what he is like. Don't slag him off but don't cover up for him. He is who he is.

It's his responsibility to provide clean clothes for his children

What a load of bollocks about not being able to access the washing machine. How does he clean his own clothes?

Of course he's being amicable, you're doing all the shit work for him and let him have access to your home.

Put your foot down, change the locks and stop sending them with spare clothes!

OP, I feel your pain, as unfair as the situation is, you cannot do anything to change it. He can make it worse by stopping contact altogether and if he does, apart of getting a few more pennies in maintenance, there’s nothing you can do to change the situation.

I would suggest you stop seeing him as a co-parent. Just see him as free babysitting (Disclaimer: It is not right or fair but will make you feel better).

Pack the bags for the sake of your children, deep down you know he will let them go cold, inadequately dressed or dirty if you don’t. Believe me, packing the bags will use less of your energy than get worked out about what he should be doing and doesn’t, just do it.

I have found that nagging takes more energy than just doing the work. You will have to do it anyway, no matter how much you try for him to help, that’s why you are divorced. Don’t forget that.

Don’t waste your very valuable and needed energy trying to make a stone bleed. You need that energy to stay strong. You are alone on this, that’s true, but you can parent your children well and provide for them with him, without him and despite of him. So don’t let his lack of care bring you down.

“it’s affecting our children as they share a camp bed at his parents’ every week and hate going.”

So why do you make them go? What will happen when they are too big to share a camp bed? Does your ex even look after them, or does he leave it to his parents? In the final analysis, what’s important is the well-being of your DC. Perhaps if you told your ex that current arrangements aren’t suitable, it might spur him into getting himself some sort of more suitable accommodation? If not, then you will have to resign yourself to having your children full-time anyway, as clearly current arrangements can’t endure for much longer.

The children will work out who did and still does 99% of the real parenting. My joy and reward is that I have 99% of the pleasure being their parent. Still same deal 25 years later

I haven't read the full thread but are you sure he isn't living at his girlfriends OP?

My ex husband has been living at his girlfriends since 2018 but hasn't told us. The children only see him out for meals (about once every 2-3 months) and I found out through a mutual friend.

We are now finally after 12 years going through a divorce and I am hoping it may all come out in our financial declaration or the court might give him a bit of leeway if on paper he looks like he can't live in his own place as contributing towards the mortgage (he has never given me CM he pays the mortgage each month instead)

I'd guess he's moved in with the GF and she wont have the kids there so he's having to use his parents one night a week for the kids. I'd guess he's holding out to see if they can buy somewhere together, but doesn't want to tell you that's the delay.

He might get a better interest rate, but stamp duty would negate some of that, so I can't really see if he's serious why he'd wait. Rates were good before Christmas and he didn't do anything then did he?