Calling reverse! It drives me mad and literally makes no sense

[Hellostrawberries]

I mean first of all, in 8 years on mumsnet I've literally never seen anyone admit to posting a reverse so who knows, maybe it's not even a thing. But assuming it could happen, in the posts which get people calling reverse it makes no sense at all. As far as I'm aware a potential reverse is when OP say has a disagreement with someone and suspects they themselves are in the wrong. They don't fancy getting their arse handed to them so they post pretending to be the other person. But I keep seeing people call reverse on posts where it's obvious that OP is in the wrong. And saying things like 'this has to be a reverse, no one could be that stupid'. Ok so you're saying that a perfectly lovely OP is offended by a friend's shitty behaviour and wants some support. All they have to do is start a thread giving their perspective and get loads of supportive replies. But they'd choose to post pretending to be the bad guy and get a pasteing instead!

Occasionally when a thread isn't going the way of the OP they'll say oh yes this is a reverse, but I agree!

Have you not? I have seen a couple. But agree not proportionate to the amount of times it is suggested!

I thought this was going to be about reversing the charges on phone calls.

I've seen loads in the 15 years I've been here..they're usually fairly obvious though.

I kind of think it happens when the OP is so sure they're in the right though. Like they want to excite people into arguing against the stated opinion and thus really back up their true stance.

For example:
Aibu? I broke my neighbour's fence by falling through it when I was drunk and she expects me to pay for it, I've said no way!

Reverses aren’t posted for the reason you’re thinking @Hellostrawberries

Its more like where OP believes someones behaviour (ie not theirs) is really ridiculous, but they dont want to taint responses in their own favour, so they post a reverse to get a real feel for opinions

I've seen a couple but they're very rare compared to the number of accusations. It's a rhetorical device, rather than a serious theory in most cases.

The idea is that someone posts as if "from the other side" in order to get a fair and unbiased opinion from AIBU, and confirmation that the person they're in dispute with really is the most unreasonable person ever. Presumably they've got their thumb on the scales on the way they describe it of course.

If I say "this must be a reverse" I'm saying that this unusual occurrence is a more plausible explanation than that someone behaved so appallingly and then genuinely sat down and wrote down this version of events to justify themselves without realising that it makes them look like a monster.

What it probably really is, is just a troll making up a scenario of shockingly awful behaviour to get us all frothing.

@Sunnysidegold yes exactly and an excellent example!

I've seen loads!

I don't think they're done for the reasons you say either - usually people post from the other person's perspective, but in a way that makes the other person completely wrong. So everyone says "wow OP, you're the most unreasonable person ever in unreasonableland" and they feel vindicated that their friend/MIL/sister is in the wrong.

Whereas actually if they just posted from their own perspective the story would be much more nuanced and perhaps they're actually the one in the wrong themselves.

So, reverse:

AIBU to insist my DIL gives up her Sunday to do whatever I want?

Actual story:

My MIL has looked after my three children five days a week for a decade for free. She wants us so come over on Sunday for cake to celebrate her birthday but I want to sit in my jammies and watch TV. AIBU to refuse?

Or what @Sunnysidegold said in far fewer words.

I think there are a variety of reasons why people do this some genuine some questionable.

I’ve seen loads in my time.

They’re always situations where the OP wants people to pile on and get irate at the person they believe has wronged them, so they post about a situation which makes them seem completely unreasonable and oblivious. Fifty people then say ‘I can’t believe you would do that’ and then they can turn around and say ‘it wasn’t me it was my friend’.

I think most of the time it’s because it gives people the satisfaction of seeing the person they feel has wronged them face criticism. I also think there is a strong bias against the OP on mumsnet - people often bend over backwards to criticise an OP in whatever way they can. A reverse overcomes that bias by directing it against the person the OP perceives to be the guilty party.

I see probably 2 or 3 a month. They’re tedious and manipulative, however I do think people would do them a lot less if there wasn’t such a strong culture of automatically criticising the OP on mumsnet.

I've seen loads where they admit it is a reverse. It's usually pretty obvious though.

I've been here 20 years and it used to happen more often in past years than now but does still happen. I think people do it if they're not sure themselves if they are being unreasonable about something that has happened to them. Not a big deal.

I have also seen quite a few in the 17 years I've been on MN where the poster admits it's a reverse. The OP tends to go quiet for a while and then come back with something like "OK guys, you've guessed it, I am the DIL/ friend/ SIL in this situation"

I've seen a fair few but agree it tended to be more common in the past. These days, I am almost certain any that look like reverses are

a) actual reverses but written in a way to whip up support for the 'other party' in the OP (aka the OP) that they get some vindication from

or

b) trolls (of which I think there are loads more these days than there used to be)

I personally just tend to hide and move on but I understand why people get upset at feeling tricked.

Here's in for example which I found v quickly
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2038981-to-think-my-neighbour-has-overreacted?postsby=Spottyandstripped

Ok ok I confess!!!

I'm a poster of many years but I've name changed for this, my first ever reverse AIBU!!!

All this happened to me, this week! The police came today and took statements from me and my mum, who witnessed it all, and said that the woman concerned was likely to get a fixed penalty thing of £80! I suddenly doubted myself! Was I over reacting? Was it really that bad? But it is! And she really DID email our divvy of a landlord who immediately emailed the letting agent! I'm hopping mad about it a and very upset, but you know how sometimes you doubt yourself?

Sometimes often people will try to find fault with the OP, so a reverse can be a way of avoiding that.

So let’s say you make a very minor error when driving, eg pulling out a bit before you should as you misjudged the speed of the other car coming but with plenty of time to stop, they just have to slow down. They react aggressively, beeping, swearing and screaming at you at the next set of lights of whatever.

If you post as it was chances are you’ll be told you were unreasonable to pull out, the poor person in the other car was clearly terrified hence their reaction you’re a dreadful inconsiderate driver, should be off the roads, my great aunt did that once and killed herself and everyone else (cue lots of pages consoling that poster and telling the OP that she is personally responsible for this.)

If you post saying you were the swearer then you’d get your arse handed to you. So the OP has got it off her chest without having her driving license revoked via the internet.

God that was confusing 😂. Ok fair enough, I get there are more reasons for reversing than I'd realised. Maybe it's just me but I still find it irritating when someone calls reverse like they think it's the cleverest thing ever. And surely accusing someone of completely fabricating their role in a situation is pretty close to accusing them of making it up. So why is it allowed?

Reverses aren't allowed OP.

Calling reverse is part genuine suspicion, part a desire to be first to call it, and part a way of saying "you're so ridiculously in the wrong you can't possibly think you're right".

Saying ‘I call reverse’ or ‘this must be a reverse’ is basically MN shorthand for ‘wow, you’re being SO unreasonable that people are seriously struggling to believe what you’ve written / that you think it’s reasonable to even ask’.

For example, the woman who ghosted her friend and ignored her while she was getting divorced, then messaged her friend basically saying ‘happy birthday, I’m having a hard time as my mum died’ and making the birthday wishes all about her, then complained that her friend wasn’t supporting her. People called reverse because they couldn’t quite believe how selfish and one-sided the OP was being.

Edited to add: that one WASN’T a reverse, but the OP came across so badly that people thought it might be.

Are they not allowed? Is that an actual rule?

Regardless, I think people ‘calling reverse’ often don’t genuinely mean it. It’s just a particularly emphatic way to tell someone they are being extremely unreasonable.

Yes agree with your second paragraph.

I don't think they're allowed, I've seen them deleted before.

(ETA usual disclaimer about variability of moderating on MN...)

I've seen quite a few people admit to posting a reverse actually. They're normally posted by people who know 100% they're in the right but want to enjoy watching the carnage of the person who wronged them being ripped apart by Mumsnet (even if said person isn't there to experience it). I think it feels more vindicating than just lots of people saying "yes obviously we agree with you, they're awful".

As such, "this has to be a reverse" has come to mean "you're being so unbelievably unreasonable there's no way you can possibly think you're in the right". It's less an attempt to catch a reverser in the act and more an expression of utter incredulity that someone could be so delusional.