ExH is “sick to death” of me and wants to stop me seeing DD

[ExIsSickOfMe]

Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and extreme control. Share DD now 10 with him.

We ended up in court and were granted 50/50 but he never ever sticks to it and probably has DD 2-3 nights per fortnight but will do everything he can to get out of it.

He never takes DD anywhere, they literally sit at his mums house playing Playstation or Switch while his mum cooks and cleans and takes DD out to the park/shop/whatever for an hour.

I have never chased maintenance because I doubt he’s working. He lives in between his mums (his dad lives there to) and his grandparents so I doubt he has any actual money – he goes to the other house when he falls out with one house and just flits between them, DD has a bed at Ex-PILs house but ExH isn’t always there when she is – DD occasionally (maybe a few times over the longer holidays (so summer, easter and Christmas)) asks to stay with her grandparents without ExH and I always try and make it happen.

DD has a medical condition that causes some SN and disabilities and was awarded DLA last year. ExH took me back to court for full residency with no visitation for me within days of him being made aware she now gets DLA (HRC and LRM for those in the know). I applied for the DLA, got the evidence together and spoke to all the involved medical professionals to ask for reports/contact details. I also do all appointments and fit work around DD – ExH will take a parental leave day for any surgeries but never actually comes to appointments/surgeries.

Cafcass are involved and have spoken to both me and ExH and are waiting to speak to DD.

ExH has said he is fed up of me, I always do all the fun things with DD so he never can – we’ve just done a 10 day holiday; 4 days in Wales and 5 days in Cornwall – I made sure this didn’t clash with ExHs time but the court had already said I could take DD as long as I make up any missed contact afterwards. I also take DD on days out throughout holidays and she’s also a Girlguide (will start Guides next year as they start the term they turn 11 here not the term after they’re 10) so I help her with interest badges. He is “sick to death” of me being in DDs life, thinks I’m money grabbing and using the DLA to have fun and doing activities that DD doesn’t really like – every day out we do is chosen by DD or with DD in mind, every holiday is planned around her needs and routine, even appointments are planned around her activities so she can do everything she wants to do.

I’ve suggested days out for him and her, even paid for them, but he never takes her. He just accuses me of spending her money on expensive nothings that don’t benefit DD. I encourage DD to call her dad on holiday and she never wants to and I have to bribe her, I send him photos and videos while we’re away or on days out letting him know what we’re up to.

DD has told school she wants to see less of her dad as she gets bored with him, but is ok seeing her grandparents and great grandparents once or twice a week. ExH has sent me a long rambling message about being sick of me and how I’m turning DD against him and he can’t wait for me to “no longer be in her life”.

I have to rise above it because my solicitor says if I bite then I look UR and could end up being accused of Parent Alienation but honestly I want to wind him up more. I don’t hate him I just don’t like him much, and wish he’d just sod off.

But IABU to really really want to give him a piece of my mind?

I think your dd knows what she wants and I wouldn’t be bribing her to get in touch

I recognise you from your previous posts.

You need to work on his words and opinions being water off a ducks back.

Only use a court approved app to communicate with him.

Have the self belief that he's saying shite as usual.

So I think YABU because you shouldn't give him or his words or opinions any time or space on your life.

Just log his actions and save his messages. Don’t respond. Remember every bit of rubbish he sends you that you don’t react to is another piece of evidence for your case.
So treat every crappy message as a victory, mentally thank him for being useless and kindly evidencing his fuckwittery in writing.

YANBU to want to give him a piece of up it mind but having been through family court I have to agree with your lawyer. Do not rise to anything he says. Learn the grey rock technique and employ it. That will wind him up more than if you get involved in an exchange with him. That gives him what he wants and that’s why he’s doing it. Don’t give it to him. Keep your cool and out your DD first. Be child focused. Do not sling any mud no matter what he says about you or to you. Courts do not like this. Let him keep sending you crazy messages because it’s all evidence of his poor behaviour. The fact that he doesn’t have a fixed abode and wants to take your DD away from her mother for no good reason shows it’s about him and not what’s best for your DD. Have everything noted in a dedicated diary and submit it for evidence. Every time he’s not taken her when he was meant to. Every time he had her but left her with grandparents instead of spending time with her. Every time you paid for them to do something together. Every time you had to bride your DD to have contact with him, what you gave her and what her reasons were that she didn’t want to contact him. You have to be seen to be encouraging contact in a positive way. I know it’s hard but don’t interact with him. I would suggest getting a parenting app and using that for communication about contact until the court case because messages can’t be deleted. In the meantime, screenshot any of his abusive messages and keep them as evidence of his behaviour. Courts are looking for patterns.

Just another bitter and miserable bastard.
Stop sending him pictures of holidays and days out. He seems to be seething about it.

What he's 'sick to death of' is you being a great parent putting his daughters needs first and him being shit. You say he doesn't work, doesn't have his own home and doesn't do anything with his daughter in his time. No wonder she doesn't want to see him. Meanwhile she's going on holiday, having fun and doing activities with you. It's just amplifying what a crap parent he is. That's why he's sick to death of you! Just keep on doing what you're doing, don't rise to him baiting you. He can stomp his feet and demand whatever he wants. But ultimately your DD sees him for the crap parent he is.

What a dick.

Sorry OP. Breath deeply, follow your solicitor’s advice - co-operate as much as you have to, do not do any thing extra. As a PP said as best you can (must be so hard) you have to try and ignore Mr Pointless.

You are not being unreasonable to want to, but you should heed your solicitors advice and not do it.

I second the parenting App. We use Our Family Wizard. Cafcass can access it to see exactly what’s been said if necessary. I hope they speak to your DD soon. They will listen to her.
Completely agree with keeping a very detailed diary of his arseholery.

You need to keep a diary of when he cancels - reasons ..

I would not be paying for anything for ex to do with Dd ..

yanbu at all however you know you can’t .. He will twist it .

All contact / conversations in text .. if he is unreasonable at handover - I would email ..

At handover on 8/8/24 you screamed at me told me I wouldn’t be seeing Dd soon .. This is not appropriate in front of Dd please refrain from this type of comment. Regards

you will get one of two responses one he will be on best behaviour or two will list a barrage of abuse which will be evidence .

either is a win

Give a man enough rope... Let him rant. Every message is your dd a step away from him

.. At secondary school they won't force anything on your dd.

You are going to have to resist rising to the bait.
As he is abusive, it is to DD's benefit that he hardly sees her. Just document all of his failures to interact with her and stop talking to him about it. Tell him to call your lawyer with any complaints he has and ignore any of his whiny, accusatory texts. He is actually projecting- accusing you of having money motives because those are his motives.
You can make arrangements for visitation via an app like MyFamilyWizard so you don't have to speak to him other than at child pickups. If he gets verbally abusive at those times, turn on your heel and walk off.
It might feel good to put him on blast, but he's hoping you will so he can strengthen his claim of parental alienation. Do not give him what he wants.

Keep good records, screenshots, mark in a diary when he cancels/sees her, any notes.

Hes not really angry at you, he’s angry at himself as he knows he’s a shit parent but can’t/wont change. These are a key few years for him because soon no one will make DD see him.
He’s just another in a long list of crap fathers who put the blame on mothers for their own choices.

Also, document his verbal abuse. Date, time, place and what he said. Keep all his abusive texts. You may need it for court.

YANBU to want to. You would be unreasonable to actually do it, just because it’s not in your DD’s best interests to have that drama added to her life with the potential for it to influence any court proceedings.

He sounds awful. Your DD is lucky to have you in her life instead of having to rely on him.

It's all noise from him. She's old enough to choose where she goes and who she lives with.

His opinions are meaningless.

It's only noise.

Bribing her to talk to her father is awful. Stop doing that. You need to listen to her.

Ignore all his shit

Stop sending photos

Only communicate if you have to.

Stop trying to facilitate anything with him.

I bribe her and send him photos/videos so I can't be accused of not encouraging the relationship I was advised to do it by my solicitor.

As others have said, follow your solicitor’s advice and wait it out. Unless he steps up his parenting, your DD will choose not to see him in a few years and the court won’t force contact. He’s bringing this on himself. 🤷

the courts will rule in your favour and not send your daughter to him full time do you think?
I hope that doesn’t happen and you shouldn’t have told him about the DLA it’s none of his business he only wants your daughter so he can claim the money for her. The waste of space that he is by the sounds of it. Save all correspondence and don’t give a reaction. Your daughters voting with her feet stop bribing her if she doesn’t want to call don’t make her, I wouldn’t send photos either or videos.

YANBU to want to give him a piece of your mind, absolutely. But you know it won't do any good

Your description of your interactions/messages to him is hilarious. I know it is all advised by your solicitor but it obviously ENRAGES him and there is nothing he can do 👌

Pictures of days out, holidays, clubs, parties. And all he does with her is sit indoors on the PS 😂 My God! He is telling on himself, big time.

It won't be long until DD will be able to tell the court she doesn't want to see him & be taken seriously. You're doing brilliantly.

the courts will rule in your favour and not send your daughter to him full time do you think?

@ull Unlikely given that he’s flitting between two houses as he falls out with his family. He couldn't provide his DD with a home.

This is correct. Always be child focused and be seen to be trying to encourage contact because if you don’t, it will give weight to his claims of parental alienation. Although the courts are supposed to be all about the child’s best interests, the reality is that they always lean heavily towards parental rights. So, if you’re seen to have been encouraging contact but the child is refusing despite that, it shows you are being child focused in their eyes. Ridiculous, I know but that’s the way they work. Do not engage with him. Don’t give him any ammunition. Stay child focused. Document everything.

If he’s taking parental leave then he must be working. Time to put in a CMS claim.

Are his parents not ashamed of him?

I'd be tempted to ask for a contact centre when he sees her so zero need to contact you.