ExH is “sick to death” of me and wants to stop me seeing DD

[ExIsSickOfMe]

Split with ExH in 2017 due to his violence and extreme control. Share DD now 10 with him.

We ended up in court and were granted 50/50 but he never ever sticks to it and probably has DD 2-3 nights per fortnight but will do everything he can to get out of it.

He never takes DD anywhere, they literally sit at his mums house playing Playstation or Switch while his mum cooks and cleans and takes DD out to the park/shop/whatever for an hour.

I have never chased maintenance because I doubt he’s working. He lives in between his mums (his dad lives there to) and his grandparents so I doubt he has any actual money – he goes to the other house when he falls out with one house and just flits between them, DD has a bed at Ex-PILs house but ExH isn’t always there when she is – DD occasionally (maybe a few times over the longer holidays (so summer, easter and Christmas)) asks to stay with her grandparents without ExH and I always try and make it happen.

DD has a medical condition that causes some SN and disabilities and was awarded DLA last year. ExH took me back to court for full residency with no visitation for me within days of him being made aware she now gets DLA (HRC and LRM for those in the know). I applied for the DLA, got the evidence together and spoke to all the involved medical professionals to ask for reports/contact details. I also do all appointments and fit work around DD – ExH will take a parental leave day for any surgeries but never actually comes to appointments/surgeries.

Cafcass are involved and have spoken to both me and ExH and are waiting to speak to DD.

ExH has said he is fed up of me, I always do all the fun things with DD so he never can – we’ve just done a 10 day holiday; 4 days in Wales and 5 days in Cornwall – I made sure this didn’t clash with ExHs time but the court had already said I could take DD as long as I make up any missed contact afterwards. I also take DD on days out throughout holidays and she’s also a Girlguide (will start Guides next year as they start the term they turn 11 here not the term after they’re 10) so I help her with interest badges. He is “sick to death” of me being in DDs life, thinks I’m money grabbing and using the DLA to have fun and doing activities that DD doesn’t really like – every day out we do is chosen by DD or with DD in mind, every holiday is planned around her needs and routine, even appointments are planned around her activities so she can do everything she wants to do.

I’ve suggested days out for him and her, even paid for them, but he never takes her. He just accuses me of spending her money on expensive nothings that don’t benefit DD. I encourage DD to call her dad on holiday and she never wants to and I have to bribe her, I send him photos and videos while we’re away or on days out letting him know what we’re up to.

DD has told school she wants to see less of her dad as she gets bored with him, but is ok seeing her grandparents and great grandparents once or twice a week. ExH has sent me a long rambling message about being sick of me and how I’m turning DD against him and he can’t wait for me to “no longer be in her life”.

I have to rise above it because my solicitor says if I bite then I look UR and could end up being accused of Parent Alienation but honestly I want to wind him up more. I don’t hate him I just don’t like him much, and wish he’d just sod off.

But IABU to really really want to give him a piece of my mind?

Hopefully the court will listen to your daughter

I've no legal advice but you sound like a brilliant mum OP and I'm so sorry you & DD are lumbered with such a waste of space.

I think it's wrong that your daughter is forced to do something she doesn't want to, just so he can't say you're not letting him speak to her.

He's never paid maintenance??? What a cunt.

I'd ignore him and only communicate though email/parenting app. But I wouldn't pay attention to a word he says, the useless git.

Of course you are not being unreasonable, he sounds like a complete arse! But he is baiting you so if you snap and have a go at him, he will have got what he wanted and will play the victim, say you're abusive etc. I would hold your tongue and play the long game. Gather all your evidence (not having DD 50/50, evidence that you keep in touch and inform him what's going on with DD, how you facilitate his contact with DD etc) and make sure you're really well prepared for court - I doubt any court is going to hand DD over to him full time and not allow you contact. He's just being an absolute twat and I'm pretty sure a judge will see that - they see this all the time. If your DD is 10, they will have to give consideration to her wishes also.

He’s an absolute prick and the only person who is alienating his child from him is him. But you know that already yourself.

For now, listen to what your daughter is telling you. She doesn’t want to speak to her dad between visits and she wants to see him less. There’s a reason for that. She’s told staff at her school the same thing. Make sure you screenshot any messages and don’t bother replying to any of his rants. There’s no point, he’s not interested in anyone but himself and also the more he sends you that you don’t reply to, the more deranged he looks. Which given your daughter wants to spend less time with him can only be a good thing.

Oh and keep a diary of contact, if you’re not already. As in, the times daughter is with you and when she goes to her dad specifically. You’re currently meant to have 50/50 and he’s not really bothering. I think the court needs to see that record seeing as he wants to have full residency. He’s batshit if he thinks a judge won’t see straight through him.

Get a folder and copy every text and email and write down every interaction. Get a calendar and mark all the days he has his dd.
Do not rise to it, unless he asks a direct question about your dd do not respond to him.
The courts won't appoint him single residency to your dd as it's not in your dds best interest. It's quite clear he's just after her DLA money. Tough it out for the next few years and then take it back to court and ask for your dds opinion to be taken into consideration.

Yanbu to want to tell your ex to jump off the nearest cliff. Yabu to give him the time of day. Ignoring him will irritate him so do this. Keep a record of all he says or dues and when he actually sees your dd and for how long.

If you have to send him photos send him boring stuff, going to supermarket, doing homework. Share nothing of your life/nice activities. None of his business

How does he know about the DLA?
He must be working if he takes a PL day , so claim maintenance.
He's another useless Dad we see on MN all too often.
I'd use an app for communication and block him.