Husband trying to compete which grandparents see DC more

[hmhwd]

More like, is he being unreasonable or is this a normal reaction from him?

DC Is 2.5. My family is quite wealthy, his is pretty average. In laws live closer so we see them for day trips once a month, my mum lives further so I will visit her overnight for a couple of nights but also about once per month.
Sadly my DF died when I was a teen but he was highly successful, left a large inheritance to my mum and I. My mum, having raised me, now mainly travels the world, enjoys life and helps me out with raising DC when I need it. On a few holidays (3-4 per year) she will invite me and DC along, DH is invited too but can't join for all of them because of limited annual leave, he does join for probably half (sometimes joins part way through a holiday, sometimes doesn't join at all and sometimes joins for the full length). These holidays are fully paid for by my mum. When not on holiday, I'll sometimes go to stay with my mum for a night or two if DH knows he will work late - her house is large enough for DC to have their own room, all the "child" equipment that I need can be and is stored at hers. On other days, my mum will just pop over to ours to help out, play with DC etc - this doesn't affect DH because he is out at work and it'll be in the daytime.

My ILs see DC far less. They can't afford to take us on holiday and my DH wouldn't pay for them to go with us. They visit maybe once a month. Staying at theirs is more difficult because a) it would need to be over a weekend when DH can come and b) the house is a squeeze, we don’t have anything there that we need (baby chair, cot, all the nappies / bottles / aprons / toys) so have to bring everything. I guess I also don't ask for help from my ILs the way I do from my own mum (for example if I need someone to watch DC whilst I have a doctors appointment - I will ask my mum or move it, never ask my ILs), largely because I just don't have that kind of relationship with them. We are civil and no arguments but we don't "get on like a house on fire" in that we have very different views, not many common interests. I find their visits tedious and exhausting for many (very subtle but many) reasons - none because they're terrible people, just that I find them difficult to be around, we run out of conversation fast and we have to fake agreeing on topics.

I've noticed recently my husband really tries to compete and compensate. He's trying to squeeze us into their house at Xmas (as opposed to hotel like we've done previous years) even though that meant 6 adults and 1 child in a 2/3 bedroom house (3rd bedroom is a study that will have a blow up bed in the middle, the bedroom we stay in will mean either someone sleeps on a floor mattress so we physically can’t open the door or walk around until mattress lifted, or all 3 of us sleep in a small double bed). Or he is irritable when he sees that DC will run towards my mum shouting GAM-GAAAAAAM ("grandma") or when the two have little inside jokes or games. If I ask about it he claims he's absolutely fine and just wants DC to give "gam-gam" a rest (my mum is thrilled with it, doesn’t want a rest). I can just feel resentment towards my mum for being able to spend more time with DC?

I feel sorry for your in laws. They don't have the resources to provide you with holidays and high standards of comfort and convenience, so you are relegating them to second place. You married a man from a less wealthy background than your own. His parents small home is part of the package, and you have no right to block his attempts to take DC to stay with them on that basis, even if you don't go yourself.

Why on earth would you get your mum to baby sit for a Dr appointment when she lives so far away that when you visit you have to stay overnight? Even your ILs that require a day trip to visit are too far away for that.

You have an unhealthy relationship with your mother that's going to destroy your marriage especially if you continue to treat your husbands parents with such resentment.

Would you prefer he left you and had 50/50 custody where you had no say in where your child spent half their Christmas mornings? You are being very cruel to your husband, they are his parents. How would you like it if he actively prevented your child from seeing your mother? Your child isn't your possession.

@AquaFurball 50/50 custody seems unlikely when I'm a SAHM and he works full time, child doesn't go to nursery

@FarmGirl78 could have exactly the same memories if we arrived in the morning but got to stay comfortably. Perhaps better memories as their mum won't be stressed

@KarmenPQZ not on mat leave, I'm a SAHM and don't plan to go back to work any time soon

To those asking why my mum babysits - she has a flat in London that she stays in when she visits us (we live in London, both sets of grandparents outside)

This. Your DC is lucky that your DH is actively facilitating a great relationship with the baby’s grandparents. You sound like a crashing snob, and you can bet your bottom dollar your ILs can see it too. You can put up with the odd Christmas being squeezed in, or heaven forfend, invite them to yours!

Don’t forget, your inlaws made your DH who he is….

I think that you should stay in a hotel. It's unusual to be taken on holiday etc, rather than your DH reaction being normal ifswim. He needs to build up the relationship with his parents. Then decide if you all want to combine a holiday, with you all paying for yourselves. What is strange is that you don't ask his family to babysit. Did they set that tone or you?

Give over. It's sitting in my Grandparents bed everyone in jammies eating chocolate biscuits while my Grandad read the newspaper on Sunday mornings that I remember from childhood. Turning up after everyone is up and about would have totally negated that memory.

If you are worried that your childrens day will be spoilt because you're unable to stop yourself being a grouch then perhaps you should stay at home and let them go with their Dad and wider family without you.

But why would you when you can afford a hotel close by and that way everyone gets the space, break and sleep they need?

I feel like my situation was similar to yours OP but my DC are a bit older now.

I put my foot down about staying as I get migraines from poor sleep and wouldn’t want to trigger a migraine if I can possibly help it. We would go round before 8am and leave at bedtime. No stockings in ILs house and presents aren’t opened until mid afternoon.

I did ask ILs to do childcare so I could go to the dentist/smear test/doctors appt. It was easier to ask my Mum but I made a conscious effort to ask ILs so they felt wanted/included.

Holidays- I’d look at one night away first and build up. Personally we don’t holiday with the ILs as we can’t agree on what we want from holidays. TBH I haven’t gone with my parents for a few years either as they don’t want to pay school holiday prices and I refuse to take DC out in term time.

Because when you're a child having everyone together and squeezed in is fun? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you thought that maybe his sigh when he sees your child with your Mum, isn't one of resentment but of wishing your child was closer to his parents?

And note, I didn't say "closest", I said "closer". It seems like there's only you making this into a competition. I feel so sorry for your child, and his side of the family.

I think if he is working then it would be kind of you to try and help your in laws see their GC. I was in the same situation and I didn't much like spending time with my in-laws but I did it for my husband who was working extremely hard for me and our kids.
What might help,is if you encouraged your DH to take your daughter to his parents on his own.

You don't like your IL, that's obvious, and you're letting that hold you back from your DC having a relationship with them

Of course DH is jealous of them running to your DM calling her "Gram Gram". He can see how you are facilitating this relationship at the expense of one with his parents.

And 3 or 4 holidays PER YEAR with your DM is excessive and not normal.

It depends on the personalities involved. My GPs wasn't the type to allow biscuits in bed. They were lovely, my GD was a very gentle, well dressed Italian man, I didn't ever not see him fully dressed, except for when he was dying in hospital. There was a 'correct' way of doing things. My Aunt owned her kitchen and it wasn't pleasant if you overstepped. Some people don't take the lead of the children. My sister has had to be told straight in the past, it's the children's day. Which is why I asked has the relationship been set by the paternal GPs. The OPs child is a toddler. There's plenty of time for sleepovers etc.

@FarmGirl78 riding the cat like a horse would also be fun for our toddler, as would drawing with markers on the walls, but we don't let them do that, do we...

Do you think maybe you are just used to a smaller family unit?

You didn't mention siblings. You could have 7 for all I know and/or have grown up with a large extended family. But I just wondered whether you've just spent a significant portion of time with your Mum and now you've got more people wanting your time etc.

I only mention it because my parents came from different backgrounds (not financial, different family sizes and frankly very different family personalities). One parent definitely struggled with the changes.

Your husband can and should take the lead involving his family. I assume there is nothing stopping him visiting them with your toddler and you can have a day to yourself. I would encourage that.

Regarding the Christmas visit - I agree with you. I wouldn’t be staying over with anyone at Christmas time. Especially when there is no space. I think it’s good enough of you guys to even stay nearby in a hotel. Do you plan on spending Christmas at home in the future?

Regarding everything else - I would try and get into the habit of visiting the IL’s when your husband is at work for one day a week - say a Tuesday morning/or afternoon for a couple of hours.

I'm out. You win. You're right and we're all wrong. I have no idea why you posted because you're right and obviously came on here for a rant rather than advice.

I pity your husband and in laws who have to tolerate your absolute self righteousness.

Riding a cat like a horse would hurt the cat.
Drawing on the walls is destructive.
Having a sleepover at Grandma's is not in the same vein as the above.

OP since you're not going back to work, it will fall to you to facilitate the relationship and it sounds like you just don't want to.
Your husband can't make you but he also has to work so it's not like he can do it instead so he and his parents will suffer. Your DC will also suffer.

When my grandparents died, I had tons of lovely, fond memories of my mum's parents (sleepovers, day trips, baking, parks etc) and very few of my dad's parents. Us grandkids were asked to share memories at the funeral and my brother and I felt awful as we only had a couple whereas our cousins had loads. I felt guilty and divided.

@Ponoka7 i guess my mum volunteered when my DC was super young, when DC was a newborn my mum would come in saying "how're you both? I've brought a lasagne over!" and offer to help with washing whilst ILs would arrive asking for black tea with milk and some biscuits whilst holding the baby (often asking to hold baby before washing hands)... that set the precedent that she'd be more helpful, would come over more.
That, and the fact that I'm way more comfortable in her company when recovering post partum, meant she came over more often and it just carried on.

Your husband should take your child over to his parents at weekends. You don't need to go to unless you wanted to. Give them an opportunity to spend time together.

It's certainly not all on you to facilitate. You don't need to host them or attend all their meetings ups. But I'd definitely encourage him meeting up with them. A good relationship with both sets of grandparents is a positive experience (provided they are kind people etc).

Not at all the same experience but you don't want to play fair....I'm guessing by your comments on income it's money related you've never mucked in and it's beneath you.