Husband trying to compete which grandparents see DC more

[hmhwd]

More like, is he being unreasonable or is this a normal reaction from him?

DC Is 2.5. My family is quite wealthy, his is pretty average. In laws live closer so we see them for day trips once a month, my mum lives further so I will visit her overnight for a couple of nights but also about once per month.
Sadly my DF died when I was a teen but he was highly successful, left a large inheritance to my mum and I. My mum, having raised me, now mainly travels the world, enjoys life and helps me out with raising DC when I need it. On a few holidays (3-4 per year) she will invite me and DC along, DH is invited too but can't join for all of them because of limited annual leave, he does join for probably half (sometimes joins part way through a holiday, sometimes doesn't join at all and sometimes joins for the full length). These holidays are fully paid for by my mum. When not on holiday, I'll sometimes go to stay with my mum for a night or two if DH knows he will work late - her house is large enough for DC to have their own room, all the "child" equipment that I need can be and is stored at hers. On other days, my mum will just pop over to ours to help out, play with DC etc - this doesn't affect DH because he is out at work and it'll be in the daytime.

My ILs see DC far less. They can't afford to take us on holiday and my DH wouldn't pay for them to go with us. They visit maybe once a month. Staying at theirs is more difficult because a) it would need to be over a weekend when DH can come and b) the house is a squeeze, we don’t have anything there that we need (baby chair, cot, all the nappies / bottles / aprons / toys) so have to bring everything. I guess I also don't ask for help from my ILs the way I do from my own mum (for example if I need someone to watch DC whilst I have a doctors appointment - I will ask my mum or move it, never ask my ILs), largely because I just don't have that kind of relationship with them. We are civil and no arguments but we don't "get on like a house on fire" in that we have very different views, not many common interests. I find their visits tedious and exhausting for many (very subtle but many) reasons - none because they're terrible people, just that I find them difficult to be around, we run out of conversation fast and we have to fake agreeing on topics.

I've noticed recently my husband really tries to compete and compensate. He's trying to squeeze us into their house at Xmas (as opposed to hotel like we've done previous years) even though that meant 6 adults and 1 child in a 2/3 bedroom house (3rd bedroom is a study that will have a blow up bed in the middle, the bedroom we stay in will mean either someone sleeps on a floor mattress so we physically can’t open the door or walk around until mattress lifted, or all 3 of us sleep in a small double bed). Or he is irritable when he sees that DC will run towards my mum shouting GAM-GAAAAAAM ("grandma") or when the two have little inside jokes or games. If I ask about it he claims he's absolutely fine and just wants DC to give "gam-gam" a rest (my mum is thrilled with it, doesn’t want a rest). I can just feel resentment towards my mum for being able to spend more time with DC?

Regardless of any of that though what’s the issue with op wanting to stay in a hotel? That’s the point.

Reading this thread made my brain hurt. You and your Mummy are wonderful perfect and RICH, Dh Mummy and and Daddy rubbish and poor. you are so obviously must be 😂nouveau riche. No one with any class would brag as much.

Fucking hell. 😂 you clearly haven’t met the aristos’ offspring I went to school with. Humble they ain’t.

But OP and her mummy are so perfect. This thread is the longest brag in history. Poor Daddy is just crap he needs lessons from his perfect wife, OP can teach him all about slow walking looking at leaves and squirrels. I have never disliked anyone so much without even meeting them. Smug common .

Maybe you should stop reading the thread. You’re a bit too emotionally involved. And triggered it seems.

But why can’t your husband and you cook, there would be plenty of people looking after your child? Or he could cook, and you look after the child. Or you all contribute with a dish each?

It’s really not difficult, you just don’t want to.

My family is quite wealthy, his is pretty average.

Ouch!

Because her DH wants to stay with HIS parents so HIS child can spend time with them too?

Maybe OP can stay in the hotel alone and make the extra effort required to join them??

@bluewatermelon I would be completely up for my husband cooking, he's not volunteered. Doesn't solve the issue of everyone travelling in and the Xmas get together being shorter (certainly not a few days long the way it would be if we travel to them and stay in a hotel).

It’s funny how you say you are wealthy and they are not, but you still let them pay for and do all the cooking because you couldn’t be arsed to.

Surely they can afford a turkey and some veg, they get fed / taken to restaurants plenty when we meet in the year

@Bushmillsbabe Plenty of people work exceptionally hard and aren't wealthy. So please don't say "my parents are wealthy from hard work" because it's implying that anyone who isn't, doesn't work hard or hard enough!
An element of success is luck and chance. You can work your socks off at your business but if there's no gap in the market for example or you've put your heart & soul into a company you're an employee of, but they go bust, then you won't become wealthy. There has to be a place for your success and coming across that place is sheer luck.

Well so can you though, and it sounds lile you have the space and it sounds like it’s your turn to have Christmas at your house? It’s not just the cooking to afford, you have to cook and plan everything else too. Wih only one child and not working you have plenty of time to do it all. And get the benefit of not going to their house.Taking people out to restaurants is making no effort, it’s your turn to make an effort by the sounds of it.

Everything is so transactional with you OP....

Do you live in a 1 bed flat? I presumed from your posts you lived in a reasonably large property that would be able to accommodate your in laws?

You could always buy a pre done Christmas lunch, there are loads of places which deliver it in a way where you just have to put it in the oven. Or DH could cook if you feel unable for whatever reason.

This. Poor DH. The arrogance is dripping

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld his siblings are adults, none married or have kids but some have boyfriends / girlfriends

@Bushmillsbabe not a 1 bed flat, but doesn't mean I want to have all his siblings and parents at once in my house for a few nights?! They're very welcome to come in the daytime but I'm not playing host for a few nights.

It's not implying that at all. I never said that people who are not wealthy haven't worked hard. I said my parents money comes from working hard rather than having inherited wealth. My father got made redundant twice, lost lots of money when some people he was in business with turned out to be shady and took all the money including his money out the business and went abroad. My mum had to sell her engagement ring to make a mortgage payment so we didn't lose our home when my Dad took a few months to get a new job. So I know all too well that there is an element of luck, an element of talent/ability and an element of hard work involved.

I work for the NHS and work flippin hard and definitely not wealthy, so would never imply that someone who wasn't wealthy hadn't worked hard.

"I won't do this and I won't do that"

You don't seem to want to make ANY effort to accommodate seeing his family.

I'm able to put boundaries in place and ensure my interests aren't overlooked, which is no bad thing.
I'm not asking them to provide appropriate accommodation for me or DC (a room where we have to jump over our own stuff and without enough bed spaces doesn't count as appropriate accommodation) so why should I pay for a hotel for his parents and siblings, especially when they wouldn't pay for themselves and DH won't pay for them?

Well, they are offering you a room... its just not up to your standards

You aren't even willing to offer them that.

You're being an arse tbh. Your dh sounds lovely, the fact he's so accepting of all the stuff you want to do with your mum and you can't let him have his way once, to wake up up on Xmas morning with his family. Why don't you let him take dc to stay at his mums house and you spend the night in the hotel and meet them there on the morning?

OP, I’m in an uncannily similar financial/SAHM situation as you, with an uncannily similar discrepancy in wealth (and, bluntly, class) as my DH. I’ve had EXACTLY the same conversations around Christmas / space / travel times etc. My DC are all much older than yours.

YABU. Some things are much, much more important than your physical discomfort. A close relationship with, fun times with, family times with your ILs count as one of those thing. Suck it up with the mattress on the floor. You’re not too good to budge up with the rest of your husband’s family just because you can afford not to. That’s very hurtful to your husband’s parents, your child’s grandchildren. No wonder your DH feels like he has to compete. (Also, it would probably be a child’s dream come true, squished in with parents and family all around.)

Your DH not wanting to take his toddler over to his parents of a Saturday morning is different. That’s his loss, his problem. It’s between him and his parents. Of course he can’t cope as well with a toddler as a SAHM mum can. That’s toddlers for you. It will get easier, and he will do this more and more, and he doesn’t have to put in the time with DC as a toddler in order for this to happen. As the child grows up and becomes self sufficient, so he will feel better able to manage these visits.

It’s also entirely normal that as a SAHM you want to be with your own actual mum than with your MIL at random points in the week. Who wouldn’t? Your toddler goes where you go at this age, hence the disparity or “favouritism”. It’ll pass and even itself out over time.

But Christmas is another matter. Just be mindful to prioritise what really matters: not your money, not your temporary discomfort, but the loving ties that are in your child’s best interests. And your husband’s. You come across as having got your priorities wrong: you’ve done well to protect your financial independence. That’s done and sorted. Now move on to what really matters. Don’t let the tail wag the dog.

Your husband needs to learn to be a parent and be able to put his own kid to bed and look after them etc. it’s not a choice he has to opt out of.
you do sound a bit of a princess.
maybe DH is fed up of spending time with your mum

the road does go both ways and IL could come over to visit their son and grandchild at the weekend.

@Vabenejulio thank you!

Can I ask, how did you sort / what did you land on with the travel times, Xmas, space disagreements?