Husband didn't come to hospital when child was ill

[Lil2424]

A few months ago my DC got ill with croup, at the time we had had no experience with croup before and from our perspective at the time he seemed to be having trouble breathing properly and making a raspy sound when he did and was constantly unsettled, he was only 9 months old at the time. It started up from just seeming like a cough and a cold in the day and got much worse at night so we called 111, who called an ambulance for us and we didn't know if the paramedics would just tell us it's a bad cold or something and we had to just ride it out and keep giving him calpol, but they told us it was probably croup, and because he was so young they were going to take us to the nearest hospital.
This was at 1am in the morning, my husband had work the next day (he works on sites and gets picked up in a works van every day to be taking to a site along with his colleagues), he needed to be leaving for work at 6am the next morning. The paramedics told us to bring bottles for him as we might be there a few hours, then told us it would be best if I ride in the ambulance with him and my husband takes the car and follows us so we have means of getting back home. However my husband told them and me that he couldn't come as he had work the next day and he was half worried that we would be at the hospital so long he wouldn't be back on time to get picked up and also getting some sleep before the next day, now at the time this was all a very rushed situation and I had to just go along with it really, he said he would call his dad and ask him to drive us back from the hospital, I would just need to call him and let him know when we needed to leave, but I don't really get on with his dad so I just said I'd call my parents and ask if one of them could pick us up instead, I knew one of them definitely would be able to anyway. So at the hospital I was put in a waiting room with his car seat and his bag next to me on the floor and my 9 month old on my knee still breathing raspy, waiting to see the doctor, I was walking him round the waiting room for an hour at least then saw a nurse who gave him steroids then told me I would need to keep waiting to see one of the doctors, by this point it was almost 3am, and I thought I might be able to leave soon so I called my mum and just apologised for having to ask so early in the morning and asked if she was okay to pick us up, she said yes and asked if I wanted her to come now so u wasn't on my own, she said it was fine as she was awake anyway, so I said yes please and I'm glad I did as we were there another over two hours, my arms where aching from constantly walking him round, so I'm glad she came to take him for a little but also. So after the whole event and we were home and he started to get better and we were just putting it behind us thinking we would know better what to do next time and know what it was I could just drive him to hospital myself without calling an ambulance. But I kept thinking, and people kept saying to me that my husband should have gone too so I wasn't alone with a sick baby there, and if it meant him missing a day of work his boss should understand, and if it meant him still being able to go to work but he hadn't slept, he would be fine for one day, I sort of agree with them now but I'm not sure what to think of it?

My DH didn’t want to go to bed and leave us downstairs when I was waiting to hear back from 111, there’s no way on this earth he would have left me to take DD to hospital alone and get grandparents to pick us up.

Croup is terrifying, especially the first couple of times.
But to be honest once those steroids are in them it starts to get better my lo has had croup countless times he's been blue lighted to hospital and I've managed myself at home but I've always gone by myself we have another child and I've had to take him with me once and once my husband has gone instead of me. It doesn't need two people really but I do appreciate that even if he doesn't come my dh will take the next day off work considering I've been in a hospital all night (doesnt always) he will have ds who by now is happy as Larry and eating us out of house and home. The paramedics have always given half the amount of steroid before we leave or in the ambulance which does help my decision though if he was still struggling whilst leaving I probably might want dh.

I know how you feel though and it's hard but just be proud of yourself, you done it and it will always be scary but please don't be upset that he never went with you I know it's easier said than done. You were home and lo was OK I'm sure if it was more serious he'd have called in to work.

I think he was quite sensible. Only one parent needs to go to A&E unless the child is in life-threatening condition

This. It’s so much less crowded if only one person is with people in A&E or it can get a little bus stationy in the triage and waiting areas, and can be a real hassle especially when in cubicles. The only exception is when people are in a life-threatening position and then it’s absolutely fine for more to be there. Your child had croup. That required one parent only. If it turned out it wasn’t croup and was something easily dealt with and was life-threatening then you could have called him to come in.

As PPs have said, one of you in A&E was sufficient.
you refer throughout to 'my child' - if your DH isn't the child's father seems even more unrealistic to expect him to accompany you in the middle of the night.
Don't really understand calling DM at 3am for a lift if you'd not been discharged at that point TBH.

It's just my personal view but I would have zero respect for a mam who would prioritise his sleep/day at work over accompanying his wife to hospital with their sick baby!! WTF??

It’s nice to have support in A&E but I’ve generally gone alone with children (or my husband has) if one of us had work and it wasn’t serious- ie: croup.

When my child really was seriously ill (general hospital, transferred to a children’s hospital, 8 day stay) we both took extended periods off work and supported each other.

I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to miss a days pay/put lives at risk for this scenario. If I was working, he’d of taken the child.

Try not to listen to what other people think. You know if he’s a great supportive Dad, don’t let others shade your judgement on a situation which sounds like he made the right call.

I've been to A&E and out of hours doctors many times with ours, mainly DC1 who had recurrent tonsillitis. I can only remember DH coming once. If you have more DC will you be getting them out of bed to cone too or will DH be alright to stay at home and then to sleep?

I think you might be being a little PFB

My children have both had multiple A&E visits and only one parent ever went.

Even when we only had one child, one would go and if it took longer than expected then we would swap over.

DH took DS the other week after speaking to 111, although DS is a fair bit older than the OPs DC.

I went back to bed as I'd been up for hours either him by then and had work the next day.

I only came home to work from home as it was clear DS wasn't getting out any time soon and the poor DDog wax alone.

DS is recovered now thankfully

I've been in this situation about 20 times as my child used to suffer a lot, even from the first time I insisted my DH stay home as there was no point in us both having no sleep and jobs being affected. However, on the occasions it was something more serious and there was worry with it, he would be there.

I think at this point I would have declined transport and drove DS myself yes might have been a SS report but that's a problem for another day. I can see why DH didn't go but we have a very much is it life threatening....no.....okay take the drugs and get on with it attitude.

He should have come with you.

Why? He had work a few hours after and as far as I can see one Parent was already there.

If the OP had more DC woukd you have expected them all to go or would her DH been ok to stay home then?

My DH would have come but he can miss a day of work without any consequence or issue (for a baby that needed to go to the hospital in an ambulance). If your dh missing work would cause an issue with his employer or he’d not get paid, I can understand him deciding with his head rather than his heart.

Also, and no idea if this is the case here, but I have known people seemingly pull away in stressful situations and appear a bit uncaring, when in reality they were overwhelmed and felt useless/powerless and just didn't know what to do, so kept themselves at arm's length. Could this have been your dh? Could he have (wrongly) thought you were all your baby needed and not felt confident about what he could do in the situation? Might not be relevant, but it does happen. More with men than women too, because I think they don't like feeling scared or vulnerable.

I can’t understand him tbh, no way my husband would have stayed at home. As for getting enough sleep, how could a parent sleep when their baby is in hospital

I think you might be being a little PFB

Christ, she was in A&E with a baby with breathing difficulties, not giving out about MIL giving the toddler a lick of an ice-cream.

Show some compassion.

I know that construction managers etc can be very harsh regarding unplanned leave etc due to tight time constraints to deliver projects so maybe he was worried that croup wouldn't be seen as serious enough to warrant both parents being there?

It does sound horrible though OP and I wouldn't like to be in A&E on my own with a sick baby for hours through the night either. I'm glad your mam came to support in the end.

“I don't think many mothers would pack baby and daddy off in an ambulance, go back to bed and then head off to work as normal leaving others to help with lifts and baby wrangling. So it shouldn't be ok for fathers either.”

This!! @WickieRoy you’re on the money! My DH always comes to A&E situations with ours, he wants to be there.

I think some of you are assuming that the DH in question can afford to lose his job.

Another thing to consider is that if OP is on maternity leave, she'll be going back to work soon. Then there will be days where their child is ill and one of them will need to be off work. If the DH is reasonable, those days will be split fairly between the two of them. With a small child at nursery, those days can quickly add up. It doesn't make sense for him to use up some of his boss's good will now when he doesn't actually need to, when he potentially has quite a few child sick days in the near future.

We don’t know how caring and understanding your DH is in general and how demanding his job is. My DH would definitely go and went usually but his job is very different- more flexible and office based. Also he would worry and wouldn’t be able to sleep at home anyway.
And I’m the type of person who would need someone for moral support but e.g my friend would go on her own ( and always did) it wouldn’t occur to her that 2 parents were needed.
People without personal experience often underestimate how uncomfortable is A&E environment, they can’t imagine that it often involves long wait just on a chair and another adult is really helpful to get you a drink or let you go to the toilet or give you a break in holding DC. Maybe your DH just hasn’t realised how tricky it’s for you.

However my DSis ex always slept through DC being unwell/ visits to the hospitals/ etc etc because he was a twat - it wasn’t about demanding job at all. That’s why he is an ex.

I would have expected him to go with you, although our local only lets one parent in anyway.

My mind is genuinely blown by people saying oh 1 parent would take a baby to A&E, not to say it’s wrong, but there’s no way my partner would go home to bed and sleep while I was in A&E with our baby. I get it if you had multiple kids and one of you had to stay in the house with them, but if that’s not the case then I’d expect my partner to be with me yes.

It depends what the situation is. My child took croup badly and I drove him straight to A&E. Husband asked if he should come and I said not to worry. It was clearly croup and he was seen and sorted quickly. I suppose if someone doesn't know what croup is, the strange coughing can frighten them. We have been in and out of hospital and A&E with breathing problems so we're used to it now. I know when he's needing steroids/oxygen and to be monitored. I can tell when it's serious. If we were genuinely frightened for his life we'd both be there of course.